Hi @emdoodles, I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your big brother when you were so young, and that you are feeling stuck in your grief. I’m glad that it feels good to write things down here - it’s so important to have outlets for your emotions, and not having anywhere to talk about this stuff can actually make grief worse.
You mentioned that you have been looking through posts for someone whose situation is close to yours, so I wanted to point you in the direction of this post by @JeanH Feeling ashamed of my grief after brother’s death. She lost her brother when she was 13 and he was 18, and it sounds as though you might have some things in common. She hasn’t been active on the site for a month or so, but if you wanted to post a reply to her, she should get a notification and might return.