Hello @orchard39, I’m so sorry for the heartbreaking loss of your son James. He sounds like an amazing person - thank you for sharing a piece of your story with us.
I wanted to share this thread with you - it’s a very active support thread for parents who have lost children and who will understand some of what you are going through. Loss of our son aged 27 You might wish to have a read through it and share your experiences there too, when you feel ready.
There is also an organisation called The Compassionate Friends who offer support to parents who have lost a child. Their volunteers are also bereaved parents. You can find them here: https://www.tcf.org.uk/
Please keep reaching out, you are not alone.
Seaneen