Thankyou. I know I am driving people I know crazy, obviously noone says this but I am such an emotional wreck people don’t want it or know what to do with it.
Like I said a few days ago at the 2 week mark most of the messages and calls stopped.
Thanks again x
Hi Norma, I have been so upset that I have asked him for help otherwise I can’t get through this.
He was so poorly our front room had become like a hospital ward, the oxygen concentrator, cylinders and ventilators have all been returned I still have his hospital bed, myself and our son aren’t ready for it to go until after the funeral, the room has a familiar comforting smell.
So I go in there sometimes to feel close to him, sometimes it is just too painful.
When I asked him for help yesterday I found an old memory card which had 2 photos of us from many years ago, until then there was only 1 photo of us. So, I am telling myself that was him helping me. Silly I know but anything that eases the pain.
Thankyou your kindness even though you are going through your own awful pain.x
Hi Tom, I kept busy for a few hours looking through a bag of paper work as his friend asked me to find some letters she wrote him. I did find them.
Tomorrow we have a meeting with the minister regarding the funeral so that will fill the afternoon.
I hope you have had a good day and hope you have a restful night.
Thankyou x
Hi Nigel, I am truly sorry for your loss and I appreciate you messaging me.
Like you situation Dave had been poorly for about 4 years. He contracted covid and ads he had asthma it damaged his lungs and his deteriorated so much over the following years resulting in type 2 respiratory failure and end stage COPD.
He was admitted to hospital a few weeks before and we almost lost him but he pulled through and came home feeling better than he hadn’t months. The consultant told us he had weeks to months, I didn’t think it would happen when it did.
Sorry I am rambling on.
My partner believed in God, as does our 13 year old son. I don’t, but it gave him comfort, he said when God wanted him he would take him.
If I didn’t have our son to look after I don’t think I would be here as the pain is too much to live with. I don’t know how to carry on. I actually hate this life.
I honestly thank you for reaching out. It means alot x
Dear Toni - you will not believe this to be possible but one day you will start to feel stronger. You will be then helping other people who are just beginning this lonely, lonely journey. I’m so glad I found this community. X
Toni i really really understand what your going through, i feel the same every waking minute, i lost my husband of 25 years in january. Each and every day i am in pain, i never knew anyone could feel so much pain. We have 4 children and 5 grandchildren and they have all been fantastic even though they are greaving themselves. I feel so guilty that as much as i adore them all they are not enough to make it stop. Im back at work now and work in hospitality so every day people ask me how i am, if im coping and if im doing ok, i say yeh im ok but im really not, im not coping and im not doing ok, im broken forever, i lost the love of my life my best friend and my soul mate all at once and i dont feel like ill ever feel any different. Ive always been a strong woman and have dealt with so much in life but this is by far the worsed thing ever
I know exactly the feeling you describe Ruth. My wife died on 4th June and the funeral is tomorrow. I’ve got my two sons and the grandchildren here and they’re all being great. I just can’t get her out of my head though I keep remembering times we spent together with the family. No one can understand the loss and the pain who hasn’t been through it. Just hoping time will take the edge off. At the moment it feels like someone is twisting my stomach.
Hello Ruth 85, so sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost my husband of 35 years in March. What you describe is what I am feeling too..i have 2 children and 2 grandchildren, they mean the world to me, but what I need is my husband, he is the only one who can fill that void in my heart. My husband was everything to me, a part of me died when he did. I just don’t know what to do with my life…this site has helped me express my feelings cause every one understands how were feeling. I hope it helps you as well. Take care and God bless you 
Hi Ruth, I am so sorry for your loss.
It is honestly unbearable. I hate this life. It has been 3 weeks and 1 day the funeral is this Wednesday.
I understand when you say about your children and grandchildren, I can honestly say if it wasn’t for them I would probably not be here now.
I have never felt pain like it, I don’t know how to get through it.
I hope you are ok with going back to work, it is difficult when people ask how you are. When you are not ok. I work in a school so am not going back until September as they break up 2 days after the funeral.
Thankyou for your kindness x
Dear Toni things will improve but by bit even if it feels impossible at the moment. I hope you find the strength you need for the funeral and you both have a peaceful week. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best
Tom 
Dear Toni,
I feel for you, I really do. So early in your journey too. Hand on heart I can honestly say you will get through this, step by step, one day at a time.
I lost my soul mate nearly 3 years ago, she was a sudden death victim who passed away in front of me whilst we were talking, there one second gone the next. The shock and pain is breath taking.
In the first month or so I was in a very dark place, did not want to be here, I wanted the pain to end, deaf to everyone trying to support me. What stopped me?… the memory of my wife, what she would be saying to me, how upset she would have been if I left our children without any parents at all. Moving my pain and suffering to the kids… it would have been so selfish. I just thought it would have been so easy to end my suffering but now I feel so guilty, knowing my children and grandchildren would have to endured the grief, and I would not wish it on anyone.
I decided to get help with a counsellor 1 to 1 sessions, not very good at talking but I needed help. I can honestly say it was the best thing I ever did. Her name was Grace and she walked at the side of me on my journey to support me as we talked… its so good to talk! That was 2 and a half years ago, I am now part of a bereavement support group who meat up once a month and help each other on our grief journey. I find now that I am helping myself whilst helping others, we get new people all the time and I do see a difference as we walk together over the months.
I think what I am trying to say after all this, it really does get easier even from the darkest place. You will get through this Toni, I believe and know you will! You never walk the journey alone!
Best wishes, Gee.
I am sorry that you lost Grace.
That is all that keeps me here is my children and grandchild.
I am so heartbroken. I miss him terribly and can’t see how I can go on.
Right now all my thoughts of him are guilty thoughts, our son is feeling the same he has cried most of the day saying he told him he hated him a few months ago. I told him to try and not think that way that Dad knew he loved him, but I can’t stop feeling that way.
I really appreciate your kindness x
Hi Tom, I honestly don’t feel that way.
I haven’t posted for a few days as I don’t want to burden people who too are grieving.
But here I am 3 weeks and 3 days in and it’s 1am and I’m still sobbing all night, when I do fall asleep I wake up crying. How can you cry in your sleep?
Thankyou again for reaching out x
Dear Toni when I said things improve I didn’t mean straight away. There was for me and I think most of us a period of time when everything looks bleak and it is difficult to see an end to the pain. If you go and read old post from people most will describe the first two or three months as the worst.
You really are sweet trying not to burden the people on this site but I think it isn’t necessary to be so careful as the whole reason for this sites existence is to help people when they most need it.
Wishing you all the strength you will need and sending hugs
All the best Tom 
Hi Toni, again so sorry for your loss. Don’t worry what other people think about you being emotional. What you’re feeling is normal for someone grieving, especially so early on in grief. I’m nine months in and I still spend days in tears.
Everyone deals with things differently. What I’ve come to realise is that others who haven’t lost a beloved partner/husband,/wife really haven’t a clue what it feels like. It is probably one of the hardest losses to bear, you probably feel as if your heart has been ripped out. Keep posting on the site. People understand loss. Take care.
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