Hi Paul, I understand when you say sometimes it feels like a distant time in your life but as we go around our daily routines, it is always in the background for me. I’m retired and around my home much if the time with all my lovely memories which help me but also reminding me of the loss. Also I know time doesn’t stand still. We miss them so much. This may not feel the same for everyone but even though I have my wonderful son and my beautiful Grandchildren who give me so much joy, and other close family members, I sometimes feel that I have lost everything and I feel guilty for thinking this. Such an emotional roller coaster. They are there to pick me up. I hope you have a nice break away.
Hi Paul, yes it’s so hard is n’t it. I’m also finding it difficult realising things are moving on, but Chris is not joining in. Chris and his mates would regularly go out for breakfast trying out different venues, and rating the breakfasts !
His friends very kindly now occasionally ask me to go, and it’s always been a good experience, with shared experiences including Chris being talked about. But I’ve noticed now, more and more conversations are about what they ve been doing and Chris is not part of it. How can that be ? I’m no where near accepting that.
I’ve got quite confused about it because I know Chris is still around in energy form, but I find it difficult to talk about without sounding desperate !
I have been struggling since Freddy (the dog ) died but recently have felt a great strength which I know is not mine. It has helped me get through this time, and I actually booked a holiday to Sicily, for next year - somewhere I’ve wanted to go for years .
But am I mad ? I can hardly put one foot in front of the other at times but I feel it 's something Chris would want me to do - getting on with my life. But I do question whether it’s me deluding myself that I can be part of a 'normal ’ life .
I hope you have a good time in Gdansk with your friend I think, and hope it does help to get away from time to time.
Thank you for your very kind words . It is easy to feel isolated by grief . Being able to touch base with people in the same situation has and continues to be a source of comfort and support and I’m very grateful to you .
Hi Anneka thank you for replying. As I type this the day is just beginning and it looks like it’s going to be another hot one. We try so hard don’t we to make good use of our time for our own sanity and because we know it’s what they want us to do , but it’s so bloody difficult and exhausting to keep it going . I can go for quite long periods of being ok but then it all comes back, like it did in Brighton . Sometimes the nicest things carry the saddest sting , because our kids are not there with us as they should be to join in . I try not to mix with nicks friends for the reasons you mentioned. It’s a bit easier for me I guess because most of his friends have now gone off to university whereas Chris’s friends being older had been through that stage and were more established. With James I feel the need to occasionally recall funny incidents involving Nick that are relevant to the moment. Although it’s a sad thing , for a brief moment when im recounting and recalling them I feel a real connection with him , like he was actually there with us . I don’t do it too much because I don’t want to upset James . Hes off to Beijing soon for a month on a university exchange program so he’s very excited . I want him to be happy and I think he is but his girlfriend told me he thinks about Nick a lot so I know he’s walking a tightrope too and I don’t want him to fall off. I think holidays help and im sure you’ll enjoy Sicily. Do you think you’ll get another dog ? I’ve got two cats , Ben and Slug . They are getting on a bit . Nick and Slug were especially close . I always used to think it was because they were the two youngest . He was brilliant with them and I’ve got videos of him messing around with the cats and the love and the empathy that he felt comes out along with his wonderful sense of humour . I’m dreading the day when they go but I’m also thinking of it as another turning point in my life when I can move on to the next, post nick stage. Speak again soon . Regards Paul
I liked what you said about Chris and his mates ’ rating ’ the breakfasts. That’s a very lad type thing to do and the sort of thing Nick and James would do . I’m getting a clear picture of Chris from the things you’ve said about him . In many ways he sounds like a older version of Nick .
Thank you , it’s a lovely thought that Nick and Chris have similar ways. What you said about Nick and your cats also reminded me of Chris who loved our dogs and cats.
We had one litter of pups when Chris was about 6. When it came to letting them go to new homes, one of the pups would always be missing, and we would find him hidden in the attic, or under a bush etc. We came to realise it was Chris removing him from the litter so he would n’t be chosen ! We ended up keeping the pup, Bobby. He and Chris adored each other and grew up together.
Chris and Freddy also became very close when he came home ill. He was always an early warning signal as he would not leave Chris’ side when he was ill, and was with me and Chris when he was dying. I wonder now if it was that experience that triggered Freddy’s illness.
I still do have a cat, Winnie.
Was Brighton somewhere you, Nick and James went together ?
Do tell me about your trip to Gdansk.
Hi Anneka. Got back from Gdansk on Friday. It’s a great place Virtually destroyed in the war and since been rebuilt as it used to be . Great weather too. Went to a seaside resort called Soport and sat on the sand and went in the sea. I really love going in the sea when I get the chance
Did it with James when we went to Brighton. It’s so calming , feeling the water all around and floating in a world of your own regardless of how ever many people might be there, with a blue empty sky above . Nick hadn’t been to Brighton . Remember going to the Vendée with them a few years ago and pulling into a car park next to a beach on a perfect sunny day and hearing nick say to James ’ how good is that ’ . And it was . Got a great video that nick made me take of him digging a hole in the sand which he was really proud of and then standing in it up to his waist and then getting me and James to fill in up with sand . There’s a lot of laughing from all of us on the video I remember . The vet thinks one of our cats , Ben has got early stage dementia . I wasn’t sure at first but I think it’s possible now . He recognises me James and Slug our other cat but he has a slightly distant look in his eyes which I don’t remember him having before. It doesn’t matter of course ; we all love him but it reminds me if I needed to be reminded that this stage in my life whilst not yet completely finished is coming to a close and soon it will be time to go on to the next part . But not yet . James has gone to Beijing for a month on his university exchange thing and the house feels quiet and empty. I’m going to have a cup of tea and plan my day . It’s good to be able to talk like this , it helps a lot .
Gdansk sounds like an interesting place - did you find some sort of peace when you were there ?
Change just keeps on happening does nt it, in all sorts of different ways.
My thinking has been quite confused recently - I think I’m going through some sort of transition.
I don’t want to accept that Chris is not here physically any longer, but all the evidence is there and hits me hard day by day.
But he is around me in energy form, he shows me this time and time again in dreams, thoughts, in the sunshine, the breeze, the stream - and that is intensely joyful and inspirational.
I am beginning to want to do things which are not Chris related, but feel disloyal and afraid, but then it’s too hard to keep going on like this without making changes, and change is inevitable/ essential is n’t it ?
When you say about moving to a new stage of life, have you any idea what that might be like.
It’s really good to talk and to hear of your lovely stories of Nick.
Hi Anneka, you put things so well in your post. I also feel a kind of “transition”, starting to try to do other things but feeling I shouldn’t. Buying new things even clothes which I need, brings strange feelings. I feel afraid and disloyal so I am reluctant to do it. I start to become confused about how I should be feeling. Many things that I should be proud and grateful for yet sadness she isn’t still continuing to live life. I do know it’s a different life, a new life, a parallel life. This is compounded by the fact that I don’t see some of the people who I thought of as friends which tells me life is different. I have loyal friends and when I see them, it is feels nice to do normal things for a few hours. Life has altered in so many ways yet I feel stuck even though it’s very obvious that time isn’t standing still and much is going on around us. I am just about coping with the parallel life so maybe i will feel better as time goes on.
Best wishes to all. X
Hi bir, it’s so comforting and reassuring to know I’m not the only one thinking as I do, thank you for your message. It is so valuable to have this site, and know that I can express my thoughts and receive so much support in response - and know that could only come from people going through a similar experience.
Wishing everyone here some peace and comfort x
Hi Paul, I was thinking of you, at this time of year, and wondering how you are doing.
I was curled up on the sofa recently, having a bit of a contemplative moment, when I had the feeling of great warmth all around me, my physical and emotional pain vanished. Chris said 'Mamma ’ in his adult/ boyish way. It was a moment of great peace and inspiration to go on.
I know your relationship with Nick is similar.
I understand this. My son died suddenly tw weeks after his 20th birthday. It’s hard. At first I went into numbness…then autopliot as a single mum with only my daughter who’s a year and 11months older than my son. Autopliot to deal with all the arrangements alone that I had no clue about…walking in his footsteps and meeting all his musician friends…crying at night and holding it together during the day. And then returning home with my son’s ashes and his guitar…his pride and joy. I continued to throw myself into work…i had so many financial commitments…one was finishing paying for the funeral. I didn’t really feel the full impact until my daughter ended up in a car crash…and I was talking with the surgeon where I heard the words die over 10 times in his sentence…my daughter had 50/50 survival…and the accident was on the 6month anniversary of my son’s death…but autopliot again…working hard…back and forth from the hospital…now job to pay things off…until one day on my way back from work I had this overwhelming feeling of loss…and I broke…i couldn’t talk anymore to my friends because this is something that’s apart of me now…something that I need to learn to live with…my daughter is ok…she survived. I on the other hand miss the sounds in my home…want normality around my friends but still want to talk about my son… him and I were close. I take a day at a time…and it doesn’t get easier…its nearly his 21st and then two weeks later will be a year since I lost a huge part of my heart. Some days are ok…some even good…i still find sleeping hard because I’m waiting for a knock on the door like I had that night… he was beautiful, talented, warm hearted, always thought of others first… I read his emails and messages still where I’ve sat up waiting for him to return home safe after his gig…and one said…im ok mum…just making sure a friend gets home safe first as they’ve had a few and then I’ll make my way home. That was my son at 18 years old. Sometimes talking is good…some times I just don’t have energy and just flow through the day and get through the nights…some days I want to hear the discussions he had with his sister, his friends…i want to talk about him…not from the memory of the day I lost him…but from the days I had him in my life…the pride of watching his smile and hearing him talk…the sound of his guitar early hours…just to hear his voice say mum…some days I just want to share my lovely memories of him…it helps when I have bad days xxx I understand xxx
Hello deejordan, from what you say, you have been through a devastating time, and coming up to the first anniversary of your son’s death must be very difficult.
I have found it has helped through the dark times to be able talk in a positive way about my son, and hearing of others in the same situation. I find it offers support and celebration of their lives.
I was walking the other day and the weather seemed to reflect my life at the moment.
To the south and east, the clouds were black, heavy, and stormy, while to the west and north, the clouds were lighter, scudding around in the wind. There was every so often a glint of pink and gold on the clouds western edges, as the sun set.
I have to hang onto those moments of astonishing beauty to move forward.
It is like that on this site, it can give hope and perspective to work through the darkness and devastation when being buffeted by the winds of life.
Do tell us more about your son. He sounds like a fine, talented young man.
Wishing you well for peace, Anneka x
Thank you Anneka x I love talking about him x being around his friends who told me all the stories…most of all how my son would always be there for anyone…did not matter their age, what they looked like…i met one of his musician friends because he was helping her…he knew that I had been working all day and might say no…but he didn’t want to chance having to turn a friend away when she had no where to go…so he sneaked her in…in the morning I went into his room to check he was ok…he usually came straight out from his room as soon as he heard me come in the front door…when in his room I saw feet at either side of the bed…my son pipped his head up and I just say calmly we needed to talk…after I went downstairs and made a coffee my son soon followed…he talked so much about his friend…being in a bad relationship…nor having no where to sleep…i could see he wanted so much to help her…so when he had finished I said ok…go and ask your guest if she would like breakfast…and make her a coffee or tea…he looked completely shocked…releaved… I’m proud that he had this warmth…for his birthday I will be on a boat with his musician friends celebrating his 21st… it’s hard though…because I never got to wish him happy birthday when he turned 20…and I never knew it would be his last birthday…he died from an undiagnosed heart condition…i always remember the good times…and miss the sound of his guitar and singing on my home…i miss him wak8ng me up late in the night with his practicing and saying musicians are more alive at night and creative…i miss when I got him back and woke him the same way…ear phones in and guitar around me playing air guitar and singing off key…we laughed so much at that day…and I miss him saying he did not care that he was a mummy’s boy and what people thought of him being one…because he knew it was true…my heart misses him…
I cant find any one to talj with I lost my 6 day old granddaughter 3 weeks ago I Am so unhappy I cant function I Cant help my daughter and partner as they are in pain and I feel selfish as Isabel is their daughter But I met her and feel shes part of me as part of my daughter