I have been up since 4.30 wondering what the dickens I’m going to do with myself for the next 48 hours. Weekends seem to be the worst.
Danny died of Leukemia in The Duchess of Kent hospice near Reading on June 7th. For a few weeks I thought there was something wrong me because I was coping so well and then last week - bang - it was like I’d been hit by lightning and the floodgates just opened and I’ve been unbearably sad and lonely ever since.
Yesterday a well meaning ‘friend’ said I should be grateful that we’d had 54 years together but it just doesn’t work like that. Whether it is one year or 71, loss is loss and it blooming well hurts. The one person you could just do nothing with is gone. The person you could spotaniously jump in the car and head off to the river or seaside for an impromptu picnic is gone. There are friends and acquaintances and family (if your lucky enough to have them close - which I don’t) but all these people need arrangements made to accomplish anything, and there’s always a chance they’ll be busy and you’ll end up crushed.
I thought this site was local to me but I notice that Dave’s June died in a Peterborough hospice. I know of a group in Norfolk who call themselves F.I.T. Men and Women ‘Facing It Together’. I was going to suggest meeting up for a coffee in Reading but that’s obviously not possible. One of the hardest things for me is getting out of my own front door and I would happily have got on the next bus.
I turned to this site for some comfort and kind words in an hour of need and found a community of folk all experiencing the same thing. What a wonderful organisation Sue Ryder is. They care so well for the dying and the bereaved.
I found comfort in knowing I’m not alone and I hope I can offer words of comfort to you. With Love. Wendy
I’m sorry to hear of your loss of your husband Danny. You are correct a loss is a loss and no one knows how such a heart wrenching and emotional roller coaster we are all going through with the loss of a husband or wife that you have spent the majority of your life with. I’m at that stage of going to bed around 3 and get about 3-4 hours at present.
I thought the same Wendy when I registered that this was local to Peterborough but soon realised we some of the replies I received that it is national.
So many lovely people on this site have made it a little easier for me.
You did so amazingly well with your grief from June till now, I have to commend you for that as I know it’s a struggle for me in these early days and weeks. But bless you that it has now hit you hard, but as they say no two people’s grief is the same and I’m sure Danny’s strength and your own over the 54 years you were together was one of the reasons you coped so well.
Many thanks for the steer on the F.I.T I’ll give it a look.
I would have gladly had a chat over a coffee to share our experiences, it is easier for me and I’m sure others talking to strangers over their loss as friends and family we all tend to get upset.
immstarting counselling in a couple
If weeks as my company health insurance gives me that and I will also pay for my two daughters and their husbands to have this counselling to.
You are spot on I too as said earlier found comfort in this community site.
You take care Wendy and be strong as you already have showed, we will get through it and learn to live without our loved ones but we never forget them. I and others are always here for a chat.
I know exactly how you feel. I lost my husband in June and am finding it hard to come to terms with. I have 2 beautiful daughters who are very supportive but they don’t live at home and it’s when I’m by myself I find it difficult to cope. I cry most days I just can’t help it. We had 33 wonderful years together and I would do it all over agin in a heartbeat. Each day I try to be stronger but sometimes I fail. I have such wonderful memories of my wonderful husband and they help to get me through each day. I try to stay strong but it’s not easy.
Sorry to here of your loss in June, you like me have two super supportive daughters and both mine live away, my daughters are married and my eldest has an 18 month old grandson which June adored. We to like you had 33 wonderful years and without question I would swap hell and high water and all my worldly goods to bring June back. I find the mornings and evenings before and after work very difficult indeed, inalsoncry most days and I talk to June’s photos I have around the house difficult but strangely comforting. I’m sure like yourself we had so many plans and I find that particularly difficult that June will not be around with me now to see these even though I’m not sure I can go through with some of them even though June would have wanted me too.
I’m starting counselling in a couple of weeks in hope it helps a little to tak to strangers more than getting upset with family and friends.
Always here for a chat if you wish, and I must say the people on this community site are so supportive and it has helped me to message people.
Keep strong Shelly we will get there and learn to live without our loved ones but we will never forget them.
I’m now into week five of losing my beloved husband and thought I was coping. Luckily, I have a job that I enjoy, working from home and have been pleasantly distracted getting back into the working routine. Mornings, evenings and weekends though are particularly hard.
I don’t want to get up in the mornings at all but do, only because our two cats paw my face because they’re hungry.
I still can’t handle that Alan isn’t in the bed with me.
I feel for you all as this is the most painful time of our lives. However, in my case, my head says that Alan was suffering and really wanted to go. My heart though can’t bear being without him. Empathising with you all.
Hi tamsin it’s 5months this Wednesday Robert died and I’m still not coping too well so I sympathise with with you my heart is broke I just miss him so much I’m working at the weekend as well as during the week just to fill up my day I agree with you the weekends for me also are very hard it’s going to be a long process but hopefully in the end we will get there I never thought at 54 I would be on my own just trying to adjust to a new life on my own is the hardest thing to do you keep your chin up and try to stay strong take care x
Hi all, it’s coming up to six weeks since I lost my lovely husband Ted and some times I think I’m doing ok until a few days ago I was in Marks and Spencer’s food hall looking for something quick for my tea as I sometimes can’t be bothered to cook just for me and I started crying. I walked round for a while until I’d composed myself and thankful nobody had noticed. I feel that the only people that would understand this are you all on here.
I’m pleased for those of you who have deen able to back to work, I took redundancy not long after Ted became ill. I’m trying to find things to fill my day but just can’t fill the gap that he’s left. I’m still not sleeping and I’m awake until 4 or 5 in the morning. Thinking of you all.
I don’t sleep either! I also had a meltdown in M&S a few weeks ago. I just can’t cope with buying food just for me. This time last year there were 4 of us at home now it’s just me and it’s hard to get used to. My daughters both moved out a few months before there dad died. He was told he had approx 2 years and we were grateful for that but sadly 2 weeks after being given that news his condition deteriorated and he passed away quickly. Myself and my daughters were with him and thankfully it was very peaceful . I’m just hoping that I will start to feel better soon but it’s not easy. I teach and my job has kept me busy. Wishing you all well .
Hi, my husband died at the Royal Bershire hospital in Reading in June. Do you know if there are any groups in Reading where people in our situation meet up for a coffee and a chat.
Shelly, we were told that Ted had a few months to a year and we were lucky in a way that we had him for 19 months. It is hard and being on your own in the house is one of the hardest things to get used to. It’s early days and it will take time. I’m in West Yorkshire but the idea of somewhere for people going through this to meet up for a coffee and a chat is a really good idea. Wishing you well.
Hi Tamsin
Gordon bought me a diary last Christmas (which he’d never done as I haven’t used one for about 25 years), and I came across it after he passed away, and although I couldn’t use it for about the first month, I now fill it in with details of my day as if I’m talking to him almost every night before going to sleep, and even though it makes me cry doing it I feel him buying it was fate, and I do get some comfort from telling him about my day or how I’m feeling, so I can recommend doing this just as you do.
What is it about supermarkets that bring on the tears. In my case it was Sainsbury’s! My favourite saying is ‘This too will pass’. When we are in the middle of unbearable sorrow it is hard to believe it but it is true. I started the weekend absolutely dreading the lonely hours ahead. What actually happened was a friend invited me for a coffee and wander round a garden centre. A neighbour invited me in for a cuppa. My daughter in law invited me for dinner. And, after sobbing down the phone to my far away daughter, had a really positive conservation (I sometimes forget that she too is grieving) and as a result have started a project. I am changing my sleeping arrangements. Danny and I had twin beds pushed together with a supersize duvet. I have found it really difficult sleeping on my side with a big space beside me. So. I am moving into my second bedroom that looks over the garden. This involves decorating my small bedroom and moving my second bedroom ‘office’ into it. Buying a new double bed and making a pretty room for me. The twin room will remain as it is for family and guests and perhaps students next year (to help with income). Well, that’s the plan …
Much love to all. Shelley. If you fancy meeting for a coffee in Reading let me know. I live in Woodley.
I hope that you’re doing a bit better but doubt it somehow. I spent Friday night writing a list of things to do over the weekend and probably achieved about 3 of my list of 20. Crap! But I did get some washing done, the bird feeders filled and bird baths cleaned and watered. I have a cheeky squirrel climbing the iron bird feeder which Alan had previouly greased and I haven’t yet, because I can’t find the grease.
The weekends are crap. I still check that he’s there every morning and of course he’s not.
I watched two films today to try and take my mind off of things. It didn’t help.
Feel for you with you getting upset with supermarkets but unfortunately it seems these things happen just when you least expect it, I find I can be absolutely fine and then as you, smack ! The emotions hit you like a tonne of bricks when you least expect it. Indread the evenings and weekends but had as you lots of invitations this weekend and a lot of first’s that made me emotional, Friday night was mine and June’s godson’s 30th Birthday, I went as it was the thing to do and I know June would have wanted it but boy it was hard and a little emotional a couple of times during the night. Saturday spent with my daughters and had all the best intentions to go shopping for some new trainers and shoes but when got their just couldn’t do it as was first time shopping without June, and today my mate invited me to play golf which I gave up for a year to look after June, was fine all day until finished when got upset as I would text June normally to let her know I was in my way home. I try and take these as positives of dealing with first’s. That is hopefully a positive step for you on embarking on a project to revamp your rooms and a positive step on looking forward to the future with renting it out.
Such a lovely touch also to suggest a coffee meet up with Shelly, shame I don’t live closer to Reading.
You take care and keep strong, we will all get there somehow in our own ways
I know exactly what you mean I have an every increasing list of things to do and Inhave with the best intention to do them but when it comes round to it just can’t be bothered.
I don’t really know what to say about your weekends, I’m in the early stages as today is only 4 weeks to the day that I lost June and all my friends and family are being supportive and trying to keep me busy and inviting me for tea and out.
I’m like you with Alan still think June will be there, this site and the lovely people on it that have communicated with me have certainly helped me somehow as I just feel they are an extension to my family and friendship even though I don’t know them, it’s a comfort.
I’m with you and particularly the mornings and evenings are horrible for me. Not sure if it helps but Intalk to June’s photo and yes I get upset for 10 minutes before I go to work and when Income home but it is what I would have always done when she was alive and it just seems the norm still, it’s not getting easier but it again just feels right for me somehow.
Always here for a chat
Dave
Hope you find a group for a coffee and chat and nice that Wendy suggested a possible coffee meet with you.
Im with you all the way as our situations are so much the same in respect of we both had 33 wonderful happy years with our loved ones, we both have two beautiful supportive daughters and our diagnosis we were both given 2 years, albeit sadly this we both had cut short myself a year long battle but the final 3 weeks happened so quickly it was unreal and yourself sadly only 2 weeks.
It is early days for us all I’m only 4 weeks today down the new lifestyle road without June and yourself only 3 months.
I’m too hopefully going to join a group through Cruse once my counselling is finished.
Shame I’m not closer to Reading for a coffee and a chat
Keep strong and always here for a chat if you wish, hope you find that group.
Weekends are certainly tough, I think for most of us. 3 out of 20 WOW! That is really good. Try for 4 next week. During the first couple of weeks of being alone I binge watched Gilmore Girls on Netflix. 7 series of 11 programmes each . That’s around 60 hours of television sat wrapped in a blanket. Sometimes it’s good not to think, not to plan. I’ve just got the image of a new fern branch, all curled up tight until it’s ready to slowly, slowly unfurl until it is fully open and able to enjoy the sunlight. That’s us. xx.
That is some serious TV watching. Mine is baseball as always loved that sport and June was planning to take us back to New York next year to watch a game.
And have to say what such lovely words and thoughts of the image you have, that was so heart felt.
Dave
Ah Dave. It is all so raw for you. 4 short weeks. Sounds like your girls are looking out for you. Thank heavens for daughters. I’m going to visit mine in Cornwall on the 8th October. I’m really missing her.
There are so many ‘firsts’ aren’t there? ‘They’ say that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. You’re going to have such muscles Dave.
All the very best to you as you start your Cruse counselling. It can help a lot because they are strangers and you don’t have to worry about upsetting them.
Wendy, the image you spoke about is such a lovely thought and one if you don’t mind I will try and keep with me as some how I think it will help. Take care.