My mum died over 6 months ago. When it comes to friends etc it has been very mixed. Mostly disappointing and other times surprising. During the initial weeks of mourning certain people got in touch but only later did I realise that they weren’t sincere.
Since then I feel I have no true friends in the city I live in. Yes have one or two but seem to have distance themselves too busy with one thing or another. I feel isolation and no outlet to talk about my mum or my absent dad, who I found out this Feb he died a month before my mum.
My sister and her family live 40miles away. Both of us with health issues. She has 3.5 year old and her hubby which means there’s people around sort of.
I have amazing carer of 9 years yet she is mouring the lost of her own mum coming up to a year now. So I avoid saying much if late.
Have a mate who supported us during the week my mum died as well as since the funeral and calls weekly yet since Feb cannot talk about anything relating to grief as he disengages. The dynamics also changed since Feb and abandoned is one way to described how I was left.
To be honest I feel invisible with no real friends who could be there for me and ditto. Just seems people just take care of themselves and maybe I did too.
Have long way to go in forgiving myself and others as I blame myself due to behaviours over many years probably related to trauma, living grief and now complex grief.
I have no idea how to form connections, maintain what is left and questioning if I bother.
I can honestly say that as person in my early 40s, single childless that if I had an accident at home over the weekend, no one would know and these days I feel no one would care either to bother.
I try to keep up with some activities with people there but I always feel like an outsider and not usually invited to things.
The years of loneliness have intensified over this past year no matter what I do.
Being a Sci-fi fan I think of the line feom Aliens 'No one can hear your scream in space well no one can hear me scream cry fall apart on earth.
May you continue to forgive as much as you are able to presently. This inspires me to do the same.
Forgot to say that I am feeling worst this week as its the first one without her. It was going to be her 80th Birthday on Mon 17th June.
Besides my sister no one seems to give a rats how I am. When my sister goes home to her family on Monday evening, I’ll be utterly alone again in an empty home with no too take to or be comforted by.
Sorry if this all sounds like self pity and yes some of It is and other parts I am fed up of alwayst being alone greiving. No hugs, no one to offer tissues, no one to make a cuppa to sooth. Living alone for so long adds to this exhausting state.
Yes exactly…seems they are around leading up to or wanting details of the funeral-cremation service, then once that is over no family, nor friends, nor help is to be seen, you are left alone, seems as if they only liked the person who has just passed away, that it seems they dont like, or never like us, doesn’t it, its as if they done this out of respect for the person who has died, they dont give a thought for the person who is left, yes I too had some new friends who gave me help and advice, but where are they now, my door is unlocked for these same people to pop in, come and check on me, as I am disabled ( MS ) I cant get to them, and they well know this…
Well we certainly do live and learn…
Jackie…
Yes, I agree with you. But so much of this apparent disinterest is down to embarrassment. People just don’t know what to say, so being afraid of their own emotions, they shy away. The old saying comes to mind. “Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry, and you cry alone”. It’s so true. But we must avoid despair at all costs. It’s a very depleting emotion as is self pity. But who wouldn’t be pitying themselves at a time like this. We have to live with our emotions, and if on our own it seems so much harder. But I wonder if we are as alone as we may think. I feel unseen helpers are there, including my wife. Hugs may not be physically available but you can have virtual hugs on here. We seem to be a hugging lot! And why not.
It’s being close to someone that’s been lost. We can’t be physically close but we can in our minds and our presence on this site where so many help each other.
Take care. And may I give you a hug!
Jonathan…
…oh i do so agree with you that we are getting, still are getting help from up above, otherwise how would I have reaches so far, as I had often told Richard, " if you go before me, I wouldn’t have a clue as to what I must do…" well here I am 9 weeks down the line, I have achieved a lot, partly on my own and party down to unexpected helpers who seem to have come out of nowhere or people I have met only recently, yet have come forwards and offered their services from the goodness of their heart, yet the ones who are closer, live closer dont want to know…
Jackie…
When my daughter died a year ago one f our friends - one we see the most - said - what time will the funeral be over - I lose a pound if I miss a table tennis session - what a friend! He camebut was looking at his watch - some people have dreadful priorities!
Louise…
…is he still your friend? with friends like that, one can do without…we live and learn…That was so disrespectful…
I feel the same way, people that come to les funeral are hypocrites, they never even bothered before she died and didn’t bother after she died, my so called friends don’t contact me, i have no one to support me or visit me, i have to do it myself
Shazza…
…we have to stand strong, show them we can do it, we can do it without them…in the end we will come out as better people for it…One thing I have learnt in my 68 years is " look after number one " because no one else will…I call it " the art of survival of the fittest…"
Jackie…
Jackie…
Same here. Most of those at the funeral haven’t given me a thought. Including Brian’s family. His daughters, grandchildren and near family have ignored my letters and phone calls since funeral. Never had a cross word in thirty years so very confused. I know I’ve always given the impression of being a perfectly capable person but I too would love to feel as if someone cared. My Grandson and wife have been very good and only live about thirty minutes drive away but I only see them about once a month, they have their own life with work and children so I don’t make any demands.
Your so right Jackie the art of survival is something we all have to learn now and it’s so hard even with all our good intentions. Pity we don’t all live near each other, what a wonderful network of friends we would have then. Life could be so different.
Pat xxx
Oh!!! For goodness sake. What sort of people are we dealing with in this society? It’s almost unbelievable. But I have heard this so often. It makes me feel sick that anyone could be so uncaring.
When I went to our favourite café after my wife had died, I was met with so much kindness and understanding from complete strangers. But I have also been subject to cutting remarks from those closer to me. Some people are blessed with real empathy. Others don’t even have sympathy. I don’t wish bad luck to anyone, but perhaps, one day when that guy is at a close relatives funeral, he may meet someone who says what he said to you. It was not only cruel but uncaring.
Please don’t store the memory of that incident. It’s past and we have to look forward. I do hope you fell just a bit better. A bit can be a lot in bereavement.
My dad died last month and I experienced the same re friends. All I wanted was a simple sorry to hear message but only a few bothered.
The worst thing about it was that some who didn’t were ones that in the past I had sent messages / spoken to when they were going through troubles.
There’s no accounting for people… Someone I know sent me two messages when our daughter died, both saying “get in touch if you need to talk”. Foolishly, I took her at her word.
I rang and had a 5 minute phone call. 30 seconds for her husband too call her to the phone, another 30 seconds with her telling me how awful I felt and the remaining time hearing all about her poor state of health, with special emphasis on how she didn’t like to make a fuss! Am I selfish? I’m sorry she’s unwell but I simply can’t take on her problems at the moment, especially as another, much closer, friend is going through the mill with her daughter being seriously ill.
Never again.
Jeannie…
…yes they know when to pick their time dont they? you are speaking to someone over the phone in tears then they go off on telling you about the neighbour down the street or next road who has just died or going backwards and forwards to the hospital for x amounts of treatments or operations, they carry on talking as if this is the right time to be telling you…They will tell you about " so and so," whether you know this person or not…
Jackie…
Oh yes, Jackie, that one’s so familiar! I hope I’ve not done that in the past, except occasionally, in case of illness, I’ve mentioned that someone else has had a good outcome after treatment, so there’s hope.
I’m also sure that some of the offers to talk have been prompted by a kind of proxy excitement, a desire to be involved in the dreadful details without having to feel the sorrow at first hand but maybe I’m just cynical.
J xx
Your right Jeannie, selfish or not, we are just not strong enough to cope with other peoples problems at the moment. I meet a lovely lady when out walking but her life is always full of drama. You know the sort. Leak in the new bathroom, builder not turned up, done the washing and it’s now raining, washing machine leaking. Am I bothered ??? Perhaps she’s just trying to make conversation but I really don’t need it. My daughter lives in Spain and contacted me to tell me all about her problems and lack of money and could I send her some, this was only three months after losing Brian and trying to sort out everything. And don’t get me started on the continual moans about the weather. Five people in ten minutes this morning. My Brian would have loved the weather regardless !!!
Pat xxxxx