Today I go to register the death of my wife, twelve weeks (tomorrow) since the awful day that I lost her.
The delay has been due to the Coroner’s inquiry, and I only received the final pathology report a week ago.
Now, the point of starting this thread, and entitling it as I did, was to try and explore whether the shock of a sudden death can be somehow ameliorated by the thought that a loved one has been spared a lingering decline, probably into dementia. I mentioned in my post of 26 October, above, that family thought they detected some behavioural changes in the weeks before death.
The pathology report mentions patchy atherosclerotic deposits in the Circle of Willis blood vessels in her brain. My GP, with whom I discussed the report two days ago, confirmed for me what I suspected, that this is a sign of oncoming Alzheimer’s and/or vascular dementia.
Hard as it is to say it, the family (and friends who know) feel that Eileen has been spared from worse.
Your musings took me back several years ago to my father’s illness. Soon after he retired he became depressed and eventually that got worse. Eventually he developed Alzheimers and my mother feared for her safety. He spent the last couple of years in a home and I visited him weekly. He didn’t know who I was but he still responded to my mother. During the same period I was visiting another relative in hospital and then at home, and he was dying from cancer. Many times I wondered which of the two was on the hardest journey. In some ways it was easier to visit the person who knew how I was but eventually I realised that I was looking at it from my perspective and how it affected me. My father didn’t seem to have much physical suffering. I still ponder the question and hope I don’t have to face either.
My thoughts are with you Edwin. How do you feel? Does the pathology report and your understanding of it give you some comfort?
I think you’re absolutely right YorkshireLad, we do look at loss from our own perspective. My husband suffered a massive cardiac arrest without any kind of warning - bang! - gone. The consultant assured me that this was definitely the best way to go. But of course he was looking at it from the patients point of view. For me, it was utter shock and disbelief and agonising heartbreak. Having said that, my brother died a horrific death with pancreatic cancer and it was awful to watch him die. To have a loved one with dementia who know longer recognises you must be soul destroying. All of this from the perspective of those left behind. So, which is the best way to go? I really don’t know.
Xxxx
Dear Crazy Kate . My husband too suffered a totally unexpected cardiac arrrest 18 weeks ago today . We were fortunate enough to have him in the critical care unit for 3 days which gave me and our three daughters a little time to adjust to the reality of the situation but the shock is massive . How someone can go from being so active and talking to you one minute and then collapsed and needing to be brought back to life the next is unbelievable and unbearable for the rest of us . My husband was 60 and appeared to be in his prime . My world has been turned upside down with no warning whatsoever and it just beggars belief . My dad had cancer over a period of 20 years . That was terrible too but he and us enjoyed many lovely times during this period and he didn’t die till he was 78 . From a purely selfish view I would much prefer that to have been Mark’s fate not the way he went . He would have been here for me and my girls and still been able to oversee the business . Instead he has gone in an instant at the age of 60 and that is that . Sending you a big hug . I know you understand where I am coming from cos you have experienced it yourself . Much love . Romy xxx
I do understand Romy and know exactly where you’re coming from. I would have been prepared to look after my husband in whatever state but that’s the selfish me and it wasn’t to be anyway.
Sending love xx
It really is difficult to put yourself in the place of the ‘victim’ or should that be the sufferer. My wife was diagnosed four years ago with a Glioblastoma. Although she put on a brave face for me, our children and grandchildren, I often wondered what she was thinking when she sat staring into space or lay awake through the night as I was sleeping. She had been told it would kill her and probably within the year. There is no doubt she lived under a cloud. How large and dark it was only she knew. If I asked how she was the answer was always “I’m fine”. If I put my selfish hat on I thought it was wonderful that she lived for over four years from prognosis although she faced two brain operations and extensive chemotherapy plus radiotherapy. Were it me and I was given the choice I would choose to go quickly and not live under a cloud like that and not have to go through the treatment and the side effects.
On a similar note my cousin has suffered with Parkinsons for many years. Three years ago she went through a wide awake craniotomy to have an implant inserted deep into her brain. There was a 70% chance it would improve her quality of life. I discussed it with her and she decided to go ahead for her husband and grown up sons. It has had some benefit. Had she made a decision for herself she said she wouldn’t have done it and accepted an early death. Two very brave women who put the needs and concerns of others first.
Not ignoring your posts/questions Kate and Yorkshirelad, but just finding it hard to frame answers in a way that will not seem provocative or upsetting to people who may not agree with my take on the matter.
It’s true that my family and I feel comforted that Eileen has been spared from everything that goes with a slide into dementia. There’s no need for me to elaborate, we all know what those things are.
I can see, though, that there is a possibility that we are all assuming a position of faux-noblesse to cover our own selfishness - overtly claiming to be thankful that she has been spared, whilst covertly being relieved that we have been.