Dear Meebee.
Thankyou so very much for your heartfelt reply and I really felt emotional when I read that you had gone through the same experience as me especially at the end when my dad passed and seeing him in so much pain beforehand, he just wasnt himself and just seeing him in tha much pain was so distressing. I wished I could of taken his pain away at the time as seeing your loved ones in pain is heart wrenching. It does comfort me somewhat though knowing he had me beside me holding his hand and although he was heavily drugged up with morphine and semi conscious, I like to think he knew I was there as his whole body was limp. Him crying out in pain between his shallow breathing was utterly soul destroying and the hurt I felt inside was indescribable. When he took his last breath, I couldnāt comprehend it and didnāt think it was happening, it seemed like a bad dream. I thought to myself " he cant have gone ", someone who has always been so very strong and always thought of others before himself, used to love and care for my mum and although he had issues way before his investigations started, he didnāt want to worry mum or me. He was so very brave even till the very end and still tried to spare me somehow from me witnessing his symptoms. I wanted to show my dad how strong I could be although inside it was hurting me so much seeing him in so much pain.
I am so sorry to hear about your dad too but is a very comforting feeling when you are with them and when their most precious family are there with them. I have a good support of network through friends and also registered to see a bereavement counsellor too so just waiting to hear back from that. My clients too are very supportive and do treat me like part of the family which is nice, I dont unfortunately have many family members which does make it difficult. When I think of Christmas for this year, I am dreading it as that was always when I spent it with them, although the actual day wasnt all Turkey and trimmings, the most special thing is that we spent it together as a family and just used to watch films and joke. I noticed that book called the orphan club and did purchase it so I will look forward to reading it , always helps when the author goes through the same experience and they draw from their own feelings.
I am looking forward to hearing from you more about your thread.
Thinking of you too and have a good evening.
Karen. X
Dear Abdullah.
Thankyou so much for your reply, it has been a rough ride with the council as they have been very heartless in terms of the bungalow and not allowing me any time to get myself together really. The hardest part was stripping out the carpets and all the memories so just left the shell of the home which was my family childhood home which really hurt. I cant even bear to drive past the road at the moment as thinking about the council going into what was our home is just breaking my heart.
It is comforting to speak to people on here though too about how I feel. Days I am up and days I am down.
Best wishes.
Karen.
Dear Karen,
It must have been a truly awful experience - it being your childhood home just makes it so much worse. It is cruel what they did, but sadly that is how councils often act.
Totally understand how even going past the home must be so difficult at the moment. I am glad talking about it is helping you.
@Karen1978 and everyone else
I hoping you have a much more positive day today, itās sunny here and Iāve just done done morning yoga with the patio door open. It lifts my spirits to do some do breathing and stretching, plus it helps my bike injuries (long story).
Iām trying to look after myself a bit more and hoped some of you might join me?
Iāve set myself daily targetsā¦
- Drink a glass of water when I first get up
- Morning yoga (10 mins)
- Do my daily physio
- Bedtime yoga (10 mins) after which no technology
- Read a chapter when I go to bed
Iāve been going for over a week now and I feel it helps. Iām more thoughtful and the morning and evening just clears my mind.
I found a free yoga so just called Yoga
What do you all do?
Have a lovely day filled with sunshine and good memories of those weāve lost xx
Dear Abdullah.
Thankyou for your reply. I now find not going past the road helps alittle but still knowing the council will be in there tears me apart. I was told today by the neighbor next door that the council are in there making alot of noise and it made me feel sick to my stomach as I felt they were invading our home even though we are no longer there, itās such an awful feeling. Itās been in the family for 40 years so has been so heartbreaking losing that too.
Hope you are having a good day.
Kind regards.
Karen.
Hi Scarlet.
Thankyou for your lovely reply. Its sounds as though you have the perfect balance to help you cope with your feelings and thoughts.
I will have to check out the yoga as heard it can be wonderful for the mind. My mornings are pretty much routineā¦
- Get up and have the same sort of breakfast and needing a cup of tea to help me function.
- Get dressed and ready for work.
- Evenings I try to go for a walk as have some lovely footpaths around me or I try and see friends.
- Always make sure I drink at least 2 litres of water a day to help my mind function.
Hope you are having a good day too.
Best wishes.
Karen. Xx
Dear Karen and Meebee,
Iām glad Iām not the only one who has little links back to our childhood homes. That was so lovely that the same colour ducks were there Meebee. My Dadās roses were also yellow Karen. He used to cut the first rose of the year for my Mum. My Dad was a big strong fellow, but soft as butter! I too tried to take a cutting of it to grow in my own garden, but it didnāt take and I was bereft. I have since discovered that roses do not liked to be moved about.
When we lost my Dad in 2016, my Mum and I were with him. He had a severe stroke in 2015 and was in a lot of pain. I was devastated to lose him, as we were really close. However losing my Mum so suddenly last year was a hundred times worse. She had a water infection, so was slightly unwell and was prescribed antibiotics. There was a mix up with them and so she didnāt start them until a day later. I had rang the GP surgery to find out what to do if she needed another prescription over the August bank holiday weekend as I live away and was told to just ring 111.
I last spoke to my Mum on the Sunday and she said she was tired. I never spoke to her again, as I thought she was just resting. I travelled on the Monday morning and when I got to the flat Mumās neighbour was outside on the phone to the ambulance. I could see she had gone. I am really cross with myself for not going sooner. After that I had to deal with a GP complaint and a very unhelpful Coroners officer.
It has been a very tough year. Like Scarlet, I did try and have a daily routine but that has gone wayward at present. It will be a year on the 26th of August and I just want to get past that date. These milestones are very tough and I found it easier when I had my Mum here.
Iām glad you got the adult orphan book. The writer Flora Baker lost both parents by the time she was 30. I was crushed at 44, so it is an interesting read (to me).
Well done all on getting up and getting through - especially on the yoga. I have ran today, but it was hard work!
Take care all
Claire x
Dear Karen1978
I am really sorry my actually original heartfelt response was 6 paragraphs long so you are very kind to say that from only a part of it and though I have tried I have no idea everything I actually said I am sorry I really wanted to say something profound to you because you are of a similar age and situation as me. I am glad you say you have a good support network of friends. They really do count at a time like this. With me most of my friends have drifted because of looking after my mum, my own earlier illness and my unusual shifts. But I do have a good support network too between on here and my work collegues and a few relatives who keep in touch.
When I first read your post I was very worried about you and I understand. I am glad though that you do have those precious memories shared with your dad while he was ill. He will so appreciate the love and care that you gave him during this time. Yes he was in a lot of pain at the end as was my dad so I can understand the feelings of helplessness you felt. But please donāt dwell on that he doesnāt feel that pain anymore people just take the emotions with them the physical pain is gone. I am sure that he too was comforted by the fact that you were there to hold his hand. I donāt know what you believe after death but I am not trying to push my beliefs on you but if it gives you comfort then take it, if you donāt believe its okay too. But I believe that someone always comes for you when you die and that it is always the closest person who has also passed so it was probably your mum and they are both together now. Cancer is a very difficult disease for both the patient and their relatives, both my parents had versions of it. And yet somehow it can also be something that gives us precious time, But I really feel for you as you are hurting twice over. There are quite a few of us on here. I have met a few in the same boat on here and one person said they felt guilty when they grieved for one and not the other and they didnāt know who to grieve for. I myself found myself grieving for my dad even though he died 6 years ago when it was my mum who just died so I too felt guilty I now realise why it was because in being strong for mum I held in some of my grief and I felt when mum went I just needed my big strong dad who knew everything.
Visions of guilt are hard but you have nothing to feel guilty over, you looked after your dad the best you could and he appreciated it and loved you for it. So everytime you cant get those visions out your head and they are causing you mega distress (now I am afraid I have advised a few people about this but it can help to some extent and its worth a try when you are struggling). force the bad memory out and replace it with one of your good memories (pavlovs theory I think)and over time your body will stop forcing to relive the pain and sorrow part and you will focus on better things. It is a gut reaction to the helplessness you felt and it is a perfectly natural although very difficult part of the grieving process.
My other message also mentioned that I am sure that your clients wont mind you breaking down in front of them as they probably know your circumstances. I hope that your job has been understanding with you. Sometimes you need to take time off and sometimes you need to work to stay sane I know there were times that I did. I wish I could remember everything I wrote before I think I asked if you were an only child or not. I think you are being amazingly stronger than you realise especially as it was so soon and you must be so raw. I am glad you have a memory box it is these things that can make all the difference the sentimental items and photos that keep them close or maybe a painting or ornament that they cherished that was always there. Its seems to keep them that bit closer doesnāt it.
Being kind to yourself is very important right now. Yes it will change a part of you forever as it has happened to you so young but you will also catch yourself doing something one day and stop and think oh thats so my dad in me or my mum would totally have said that. And you will find that in some small way they are still a part of you and what you do. It will make you look at life differently because you realise how precious and short it is.
Yes it is a positive thing that you are managing to get up and go but donāt take on too much either I hope your work is understanding because you may just need some time off to recuperate later. Day by Day is good because it certainly knocks you for six some days. I know what you mean about Christmas and Birthdays, Dad didnāt really bother and mum never really got it right so I began not to bother but as I first lost dad and then mum I realised how important they are when your parents arenāt there to mark it with you. I am lucky in that I have an Uncle to spend it with (my aunt died end of last year, my dads sister) but my aunt and uncle were my mum and dads best friends. So it is very hard for him too because my dad was much younger than him and he was like a surrogate brother as well as a friend to my Uncle. So I guess I am a little scared of losing him too sometime it makes you realise how vulnerable you are and the other people in your life are. You just want to protect them and not lose anymore people. I hope you have other relatives even a cousin or even a friends family to spend Xmas with it will make it a bit easier to bear if you are not completely alone. Make your own Birthday special somehow in honour of them do something really nice for you. This is silly but I have cards written in previous years from my mum and my aunts who died and I was thinking of putting them out anyway at my next birthday so I will have some cards even if they are from previous years.
What you said about parents being comfort blankets is so spot on. I am so sorry about your home that is truly heartbreaking on top of everything else especially when it wasnāt just your parents but grandparents. That is so heartless that they wouldnāt let you keep it on. Oh Karen when I read that my heart just broke for you how very difficult for you. You are an amazing and caring person. I am thinking of you.
Meebee
Dear Karen,
I know my dad too had shallow breaths at the end I think that is very common well according to the nurses at the time and I guess they would know. I felt so helpless because I didnāt want him to go. I felt his spirit leave his body and go up. Its hard I remember saying i love you dad dont go. But and you might think this is weird - and now I remember telling you before - because my dad was quite strong willed and very protective of my mum it was as if he willed himself to die when it was me sitting by his bedside rather than when it was mum in order to protect her. I was the one who had to phone her and tell her and I must admit that was so difficult. She came and just sat there for a few hours just very quietly occasionally asking questions but no the truth is even though she loved my dad very very much i know she couldnāt have coped with being there then and so did he even unconsciously on the morphine. She did feel guilty for not being there so in a way i felt guilty for being there instead of her but she also felt relief. So well the thing is they are together again now. I am thinking of you and sending you a mega virtual hug.
Dear hotspur,
My dad was also a big strong fellow but had a big gentle heart. He was full of common sense and wisdom and I miss his counsel. Please we all have things that we wish we could have changed but its not your fault and you couldnāt have changed things no matter how much we wish it. Believe me its something we all do if only. Its hard. I am sorry for your difficulties with the GP and coroner. My mum and dad also had problems with misdiagnosis in the beginning and I have done the what if they had been diagnosed sooner. Unfortunately it wasnāt to be. Sometimes unfortunately official people can make things more difficult as I too know.
I too am trying a partial daily routine. I used to go to the gym for a bit but now I go for a walk everytime its dry by the sea. I have found the sea to be a calming influence. Milestones are the hardest for us all I have already given lots of advice on this but basically it amounts to this donāt work on a milestone. Make plans of how to make it a special day for you to remember your loved one. Everyone has a different way. Chose whether you want to be alone or with others and make arrangements. Weirdly try to make it something to look forward to like a continuation of their lives. The hardest milestones are your own because the ones you have lost arenāt there for you on those days. So try to find at least one person who is donāt be alone on these days.
Blessings to you all and take care.
Meebee
Dear Meebee.
Thankyou so much for your heartfelt words, they always bring me to tears in a good way. You really do feel what I feel and knowing you have gone through the same process as me really helps as we both know how each other is feeling. I do totally believe too that our loved ones when they pass on, they are reunited with loved ones, family members and I also believe that they watch over us on a regular basis and is so comforting knowing they are there with a arm wrapped around us if we are feeling sad. I have had things happen before hand to me like a sign that I believe was my mum telling me that my dad was close to passing away and that I need to be with him. Little things I noticed was that my jewelry box was open and I never leave it open and also later in the evening I felt something touch the side of my face and I even told my dad about this and he felt it was possibly mum trying to let me know something which was a comfort. I think the most comfort I have is that I said to dad a few weeks before that I wanted him to let me know when it was time as I wanted to be there to hold his hand and he was so brave as I felt he held on for me to be right beside him as it was literally minutes after i held his hand that he took his last breath which meant the world to me that he held on. My dad was there holding my mums hand when she suddenly passed away and I wanted to make sure I was there holding his hand, I wanted him to know how much I loved him and that he wasnt going to be alone and I wanted him to know that all my life he has been such a wonderful dad to me and a wonderful husband to my mum. I wanted him to know I would be there for him no matter how much inside it would tear my heart up seeing him take his last breath. I was like you and almost didnāt believe he was gone and I wouldnāt let go of his hand and kept telling him how much I loved him and how special he was. I sat with him for over an hour, the most amazing experience happened aswell when he passed was that a single tear rang down his face and I was so touched, i felt it was that maybe he saw my mum come and take him up or that also he was sad to leave me and also the release of pain and knowing he would soon see mum. It was such a profound experience and something I will always cherish. The other lovely experience I witnessed was at the time of his passing, he had a painful frown to his face but as the hours went, that pain went and his face changed from a painful frown to a peaceful smile which I will never forget. Those memories also stays with us but in a comforting way.
Please be comforted too that you was able to be with your dad too at the last stage of his life and having you with him would of bought him such peace in his heart. It is always so hard losing the two most important people in your life. The people that bought you into this world and taught us everything about how the world works. My parents and I had little sayings and nicknames we used to call each other but now all those little sayings I used to have with them I canāt bring myself to say those sayings now as itās just not the same and doesnt have the special meaning. One thing I have also done in memory of my mum and dad is that I have got myself a personalised number plate with initials of mum and dads nicknames and the year they were married and underneath I have put in a special slogan which I am really excited about getting as it will feel as though they are with me wherever I go. I guess also to help us through this stages or stages is that we need to keep their lives and how they were alive as best we can and their memories alive too. Like you say I think itās a lovely idea to get Christmas and birthday cards out for them each year as will feel special as I always keep their cards from every year they got me cards.
I do have 2 brothers but they are miles away and dont drive, one of my brothers is a lost cause too so has never been very supportive, I have distant relatives but do seem too preoccupied with their own lives really so I donāt like to bother them too much. Itās so hard isnt it as although you have lots of friends and good support around you, nothing ever fills that empty void that your mum and dad filled and they just complete you in every way. They make you a whole person. I guess for me, I only feel a small fraction of the person I used to be when they were alive. I do find that book does help quite alot although it often reduces me to tears but I guess thatās a good thing rather than bottling it up. Itās so lovely to talk to you as we are very similar. I also feel that going for a walk along the sea is very calming, hearing the waves crash and feeling the gentle breeze of the wind is such a wonderful feeling. Your dad sounded like a wonderful man too and very similar to mine, mine was always so caring and compassionate for other people and always worried about others before himself.
I also feel very similar to you in that with the covid situation going on, my dads investigations were put on hold as he was due a biopsy and because he wasnt allowed in hospital due to the risks, I feel he could of been diagnosed and treated quicker which could of given him a chance. It has been a very difficult year for me, also losing the family home but it all really started end of last year as my dad had a hernia which he had been keeping to himself as he didnāt want to put that worry onto my mum, he suffered with that for 7 years but last year was when the symptoms started and after being told the waiting list for a hernia operation would be quite a while, me and mum decided to get dad in privately as would be done quicker and we wanted dad to have some quality of life back and be pain free as he often got pain from it but it was literally after the operation happened that the symptoms started from weight loss to horrible symptoms and then the investigations started from there so as you can imagine, me and mum were beside ourselves as thinking we gave dad the quality of life back he needed from the discomfort of the hernia but was then told he could have something else going up that was picked up. It has certainly been a rollercoaster ride for us and I think we just have to take it day by day and not be too hard on ourselves if we are having a bad day and treat ourselves when we are having good ones.
Thinking of you and sending you a virtual hug back.
Karen. Xx
Dear Claire
Thank you so much for your lovely reply.
I am so sorry to hear about the terrible ordeal of your mum and finding her I canāt even imagine how painful that must of been for you. It doesnāt help that the GP and the coroner wasnt helpful either as its then you rely on their support too.
I try to have pamper days but is difficult at the moment and all I can do really is do the best. I suppose just getting up is an achievement I feel for me.
On the 26th August be kind to yourself and take the day off , just relax and chill out if you fancy or have a nice meal for her.
That book is a brilliant read and I am so pleased you recommended it to me too.
Have a lovely evening.
Thinking of you.
Karen. X
Dear Karen
Tried to post this last night alongside other message but it wouldnāt send . I have noticed that you have sent me a really long post like I do. Unfortunately I am signing off just now and donāt have time to give it the consideration it deserves but I will look at it later when I get back. Thinking of you in the meantime
My heart goes out to you over the house I have a similar thing in way as in my brother has house so I also try to avoid it (that situation is already posted on other posts). Although I too have to go past it to get to my Uncles house. But yes the council can be heartless it is a shame that your mum and dad didnāt get you put on the renters agreement before they died . And it is a shame that they didnāt just buy the place. That is what my dad did when he was dying because he knew mum couldnāt afford the rent on her own so he cashed in all his pensions when he was dying and bought the house. it was his way of taking care of her even after he was gone. (oh god am so silly am welling up here) . Anyway a friend at work also went through this when his mum died. The councils can be so hard especially as they take ages to sort out a house but yet throw people out real quick when someone dies. He also only had a couple of weeks to sort things out and his brothers couldnāt help as both live abroad and one is quite ill. So even though he has brothers it was all on his shoulders. I am so sorry I am sending you another virtual hug. You have been through so much in such a short time and yet you are so composed. I think you are really remarkable.
Thinking of you
Maree.
Dear Meebee.
Oh wow I was overwhelmed by your very kind words saying you think I am remarkable, I guess I try to stay strong although inside I feel like crumbling, alot of my friends think I am amazing because of what I have been through in such a short time frame but a part of me thinks I want to make mum and dad proud of me and I know they would want me to try to keep strong and also I want their spirits and essence of them to live on in me and by doing that, I want to try when am stronger be able to go places and do all the things that they wanted to do but were unable due to illness, I want them to see everything through my eyes as their essence lives on in me. I do struggle and think some of my pain in very deep. I often wake up thinking its just not real.
I know that mum and dad wanted me to stay on at the bungalow but because they were tenants and were able to buy it through a silly reason the council gave them, they suggested a few times about putting my name on the tenancy but I just time slipped away and I thought that mum and dad would be here forever, I guess we all do and a part of me wasnt sure simply because of the upsetting memories I had in my mind from when my gran was unwell there and passed away there too and also upsetting visions of my mum when she was first diagnosed with m.s, she had horrible symptoms too. A part of me wanted to stay but a part of me thought the sadness was too much to bear, maybe in time when I was strong enough, i could of overcome those feelings. The council are very heartless arent they, they are very quick at getting people out regardless of what they have been through but never bother coming out when there is repairs needed doing. My appetite is shot to pieces at the moment too, one day I will be so hungry and just want to eat and the next day, I will feel too nauseous. Stress for me always goes to my stomach and it takes ages to settle down again, every time I would see dad suffer, I would panic and my stomach would be in knots so trying to deal with that as best I can without having to take lots of pills prescribed by my doctor.
Sending you a massive virtual hug too and look forward to speaking to you later.
You are so remarkable too.
Karen. X
Dear Karen
I will get back to both your msgs as soon as I can I have had a wee bit of a hard day today and I feel I want to give both your msgs to me the respect they deserve I keep starting your amazing long reply and get called away but I havenāt forgotten and wanted you to know I am still thinking of you in the meantime.
Blessings
Meebee
Dear Meebee.
Thankyou so much for your lovely reply and thats totally ok, I will look forward to hearing from you in a bit.
Thankyou so much for your lovely words too saying about my messages.
Thinking of you and sorry to hear about your hard day.
Karen. X
Dear Karen1978,
How are you doing? I havenāt been online for a while. I think I just wanted to get past the anniversary of losing my Mum. I didnāt really know how to spend the day, but I travelled back down South to lay some flowers at the cemetary. It was quite peaceful sitting with my parents. I took my lunch and a picnic chair. Iām not sure what the dog walkers thought! I feel a bit better now the day has passed. I have started reading Flora Bakerās book again. All of her words ring true, especially when you feel like you are doing ok, then it all goes to sh*t again!
I have started to go the gym again. As Scarlett alluded to having a routine is helpful. I know that Iām just trying to feel good again with exercise and not have such negative thoughts, but it is so difficult.
On my Mumās anniversary day, I had left a compost bin out on my drive to give away. The lady who picked it up said she had inherited an allotment after her Dad died. I mentioned that it was the first anniversary of losing my Mum suddenly.
I returned home after a long and emotional day to a bag of greens and a bunch of cut flowers from the allotment. The kindness of strangers did really lift my heart.
Take care all.
Claire x
Dear Claire.
Thankyou so much for your lovely reply. I am sorry to hear it was your mums anniversary recently and my heart goes out to you as can really feel how painful that day would of been for you but how lovely to take a picnic and sit at the cemetery, she was with you as you sat on the chair and how lovely to come home to a bunch of flowers and some greens tooā¦ people have the kindest hearts sometimes.
These last few weeks have been hard on me to be honest, I am struggled physically and emotionally, I often have very upsetting dreams which I wake up near to tears, it got to the point where I was struggling to eat because of the emotional trauma of everything and reliving visions so I spoke to my doc and he recommended I take a low dose of antidepressants to help not just my mind but my tummy too, he says I have an depressed tummy too which will help sort it out and I have been on them for 4 days now and already feeling more uplifted and able to face things, my appetite is coming back too as when you are struggling with a loss, you want to be able to eat to regain some strengh so I am making up for my appetite now so I can now put the weight back on that I have recently lost due to the emotional upset.
Yesterday I had my first counselling session too which went very well, she gave me some tips and some breathing exercises to do which helped, I am having weekly sessions at the moment which is helping me to process the grief of losing both parents in such a short space of time as I often wake in a sense of disbelief and thinking they are still here but really hurts and hits me hard when I realise they are not.
I am reading a book at the moment called " when parents dieā¦ how to cope when losing a parent" and it has some really good strategies in there. I also have the book that you are reading too by fiona Baker, I wanted to stack myself up with as much help as I could get to help me process this.
Take care and look forward to speaking to you soon.
Karen. X