Darling Magpie,
I reply as a husband, a father, my service in the army left me with ptsd, I have lost both of my parents and parents in law, most recently in June my Helen to covid. Mixed with cardiac and respiratory problems as a result of the virus. Helen had slowly towards her 70th, in April diminished in her health, strength and muscles due to a number of complications. A case of being her carer for nearly 20 years.
Helen had entered hospital alone, she moved to a care home, which towards the end began to mention the need to pay towards her care. The weeks cost equivalent to a fortnightâs earnings. Then she passed.
I am trying to place my own self within a similar situation but without the dementia.
My heart and feelings go out to you with my best wishes.
Like y written expressed feelings have helped especially rereading them now 6 to 7 months past.
I am on here with occasional comments or experiences that through being aired provide a release or relief.
I have done a lot of walking, taking the dog for his first, then on leaving at home, just then walking, going through the thoughts and possible activities to deal with the achievable.
All the best.
Dear Magpie, you let me know when you are ready and I will send them, I know itâs hard xx I joined soon after, I was clutching at anything really and at first I could only read one or 2 posts and Iâd be in tears, but as time went on they helped me feel like I wasnât alone, all the things they write, thatâs just what I feel, even down to silly things, we arenât alone. You feel among friends there, theyâre walking the same path as us xx Huge Hugs, take care 
Iâm struggling with Christmas looming. I have a friend who is being supportive, but hasnât experienced losing her mum yet. She messaged me saying she had put her tree up. I said my daughter keeps asking if we can put ours up early. The thing is I just canât face it. Tho I donât want them to see me sad and in despair, theyâve had such a horrific year. I messaged her back and said I just canât face it, she said âI know but you also have to give the kids some normalityâ. It made me so angry and upset. I felt like screaming at her, you donât know, how the hell would you know how Iâm feeling, when you havenât experienced the hell of losing a parent. Itâs so frustrating, I donât think she meant to upset me but it was just so flippant, when she doesnât know that the bottom just falls out of your world when it happens.
I hear you PGE, people just dont get it. I was told if I let myself give into grief then Iâm just being self indulgent! I think some people are able to compartmentalise to a degree that I just donât understand. Like you I do things for the family and plod on and unawares something triggers a memory and I am choked. I am beginning to realise that not everyone is as attached to their parents as some of us, not to diminish their feelings but âthe more you love the more the lossâ. My dad used to say âI wish you didnt feel things so deeply, because things hurt you soâ but Iâd rather love that deeply. The first xmas after my dad died I though would kill me but Iâm still here, take heart they are watching over you and hoping to give you strength to get through.
Know that there are people who understand how you feel such a shame we cant hug each other but I send you a virtual one. I do count my blessings but it doesnt stop the tears. I will be thinking of all the people like us whose hearts are a bit broken and hoping that christmas brings each some cheer despite the loss. Keep talking to us its the one thing I have felt helps a lot. Xx
Dear Colin
Such a lovely reply, you will appreciate mt dads story he was in the dday landings, he said he wasnt a hero cos he was in the second wave! Two weeks after arrival when heading up a supply convoy he was blown up. After 12 weeks recovering with bits of shrapnel never removed he went back to europe and carried on till two years after the end. I tell you this because as an ex service member you will understand what he experienced. Like you he remained the kindest, gentle and caring person. We were so close, he died four years ago from his war wounds!!! I know how weird is that, a piece of shrapnel moved and perforated his bowel and at 91 he wasnât strong enough to fight off the infection. I was privileged enough to take him home and nurse him myself I think thatâs why not being with my mum has hit me hard. You have been through so much itâs incredibly brave of you to find the wherewithal to be supportive to me. PTSD is so often not understood by the general public but I have been very lucky to hear the stories of my grandfathers both in WW1 and my dad and his 3 brothers all in WW2 all survived the wars but not without lasting effects. I do hope you get some support from those around you and know your words really made a difference to me. Please take care of yourself, all good wishes to you.
Shurls
Ps Its nice to know that someone else finds walking/trudging helps too. Losing your partner is a blow that I canât even begin to imagine, I too am a carer. My husband has a long term illness and is 11 months into waiting for a hip op and a heart op (covid has some many knockon affects). This is the only interactive media thing I m doing for the next month, binned facebook, whatsapp and all news except essential updates this is because of unpleasant posts and responses and I decided I need to read uplifting stuff etc for a while. Its a bit burying my head in the sand but all I can manage at the moment. This forum has been the best most positive thing Iâve come across, hang in there, thinking of you.
Dear Magpie,
Many thanks for the reply, and its contents, all of which I have a connection with. I will not delve into it all, just a bit on my PTSD, usually triggered subconsciously by a questionable situation, a conflict of ideals. I will start with 93 and 95, At the end of 10 years of being employed by a local and national government association/organisation, I had studied and achieved a âdegree qualificationâ, as a part time student whilst working for this Lgo/Ngo. During which government goals altered dramatically.
This conflict led to many sleepless nights, usually 2 hours in total, the first 7 years gave great satisfaction, the last 3 deep desire to jump ship. My Helen would listen to the verbal, observed the restless movements when I had gone to sleep.
Often I would fall asleep, and not know.
The dreams were circles of confusion and desperation.
I left the association at a high, with earnt respect etc, and went into a time consuming role, that earnt really good money. The cost, the time lost with my kids.
For several reasons the PTSD would return, for various lengths. I via a strange set of circumstances got into a discussion with a senior padre minister in the U S Marines, he actually recognised my symptoms in one glance, talked for hours, and on many occasions via telephone calls. He hit the nail on the head. From his one reasoning, or suming up, he defined and helped the understanding of the reasoning. By his efforts I, with help, got to grasp the control of my life back. I state to anyone I am not perfect, but I am the best I can be. I still get reruns of the sheer violence I witnessed, I occasionally return to the situations, but I learned to follow the dream or nightmare all the way through, to find the source of my confusion or conflict. Facing the gaoler/jailer.
I had to put this down as it would be a niggle for a confused moment later.
Apologies for the blab and blurb. At the end the best thing anyone can do for me at that moment. Hold me, hug me and probably tell me its alright. 
I wish you well from the bottom of my heart, I send you my Love, stay safe corvid free, have as good a Christmas as you can, I will raise a glass of strong sherbet on Christmas eve as it goes into the day, equally the best wishes again for the New year. God bless, to you and all others on here, may I suggest a glass on a prominent place, as a tribute to the departed loved one. Again all the best xxxxxx