Thanks Trevor, we just do what we feel we have to do. Not quite sure why I became almost manic to get everything sorted and out of the way. I have always been a worker. Brian said I went at everything ‘like a bull in a china shop’. once I started I could never stop until it was finished. Sorting through his things was tiring as well as distressing. I think I might have thought that if I got everything in order I could somehow get on with my life but that hasn’t been the case, In fact I’m worse. I simply don’t know how to relax or what to do with myself if I’m not busy.
About all the things you have in your shed and loft. Brian was a collector, as well as an artist, photographer, musician and kept just about everything for years. Our shed was loaded with things and we had a big clear out a few years ago. About the loft, well it’s a wonder the ceiling didn’t give way. He kept so much and some of it much more valuable than I could (or him for that matter) have imagined. I’m pleased though that it’s virtually finished. Again thankyou.
Hi.
Mothers day was so empty. We always would have the children round on that day, my youngest and her partner came on Saturday to be fair and they stayed for at least a couple of hours that I enjoyed. Sadly the other two older children had other commitments yesterday. It was just another thing that hits you right in the face when loosing the love of your life, things change but not for the better. To crown it all a local friend who I was talking to later in the day went off on one of his rants that he does every now and again and that did me no favours at all and has pulled me down even further. I’m not that great so far today. I did some shopping this morning just after nine as I didn’t sleep that well and got up at seven. The day outside is dull, cold and depressing, no great purpose in doing anything. One step forward and three steps backwards over the last couple of days.
Hello Trevor.
I was really touched by your post and can empathise with your situation as I am in a similar position.
I lost my wife in mid February and I’m feeling lost, heartbroken and directionless.
Been feeling very tearful and agitated all weekend and searching the internet for some sort of support.
I have family and my son has been a fantastic support over these difficult last few weeks but necessarily people have to return to their lives, their work and families and its left me feeling very isolated and alone.I do spend limited time with my beautiful grandkids but my son lives quite a distance away so its not always easy.
Mothers Day was tough and although irrational, you feel a sense of resentment that others are here, living to enjoy the day when the person you have loved and depended on for so many years is not here to share in the joy.
I do realise its early days and lots of the emotions I am experiencing are perfectly normal but it doesn’t make it any easier to bear.I have never experienced such pain.
I keep the house tidy, shop when needed but I am finding it hard to eat well and not neglect myself at times. I am not sleeping well either.Some suggest I go to see my GP but not sure how she can help and don’t want to consider medication at this juncture
I was very happily married for nigh on four decades and we had lots of plans and ambitions for the future the primary one just being there for each other and I feel an extreme sense of unfairness as to how my lovely wife has been robbed of 20+ years when she had so much to give and live for.
At the moment I am just trying to concentrate on existing hour to hour, putting one foot in front of the other and just breathing. People advise for me to be kind to myself and eventually carve out some sort of new life for myself, its what she would have wanted they counsel but the way I feel at this moment in time thats going to be a massive ask.
Take care
Davos, Trevor,
We are all in a similar situation - it was exactly three months last Thursday since I lost my darling Hilary, and that combined with Mothers Day has made it a tough week or two. It is early days, and all our emotions are to be expected. I have started to accept the situation, but that has just led me to tell people that I now accept my life is s*** - so maybe not very helpful! My daughters came over yesterday and I cooked a roast, it was nice, but when my 2-year old granddaughter looked at Hilary’s photo and said “Nana” over and over it nearly broke my heart.
I am still working (self-employed, which is easier) and being busy is helpful, but the evenings are very lonely. I am grasping the nettle in June and going on holiday on my own, so I have a target to aim for to be sufficiently ‘OK’ that I can enjoy my trip. For now, definitely not ‘OK’ but I know that Hilary wanted me to make the most of my life, not easy but honouring her wish keeps me going.
Good luck guys.
Simon
Hi.
I’m not sure if this works and if not can I ask if the post can be removed.
This little card give me comfort but It does make me tearful.
I’m hoping that as I’m sharing it here it may be of comfort to others.
Hello Simon.
Firstly can I just acknowledge that I can identify with all of the posts on this thread and my heart goes out to you.
I had a similar experience with my three year old grandson last Thursday in the park me and my wife often took him to.
I got him on the swing and he asked if gran got poorly and had to go away?
I said yes and he said, " Poor Gran is she coming back soon as I miss her so much?" and it cut me up and made me very tearful.
This is just some of the hard stuff you have to navigate your way through as you want to be both honest and at the same time protect your little ones.
Just the process of trying to get your financial house in order, ringing utility companies, banks etc, removing names and closing accounts all very mundane everyday tasks but rendered extremely emotionally challenging when speaking to someone on the other end of the phone.
My wife was in receipt of PIP in the last six months of her life and this being the case we were awarded a blue disabled badge and an exemption form road tax.
On her passing I went into the post office to tell them our circumstances had changed and when asked why and I had to inform the lady behind the counter of her death it just blindsided me and I became really upset and there was quite a sizeable queue to the rear of me.
Because I recognise my emotional brittleness I have been trying where possible to conduct my affairs and correspondence by email. Its ok to break down in front of loved ones and necessary to get those tears out but it makes it very hard to do business with relative strangers.
I read somewhere the other day that bereavement and grief is like been forced against your will to exist in a hostile, unfamiliar and frightening place where you are a reluctant refugee.
I feel strongly that the world I function in at the moment is very strange and alien to the one I was so used to.
I feel very vulnerable and certainly dont feel comfortable being there.
Take care
Hi.
The above will work if you copy the link after the number then paste it after the link in blue and re-submit the full line.
Davos, just a small practical comment, as I recognise the pain of constant letters and calls to up-date accounts etc. - if you haven’t done it try the Government’s Tell Us Once on-line scheme. It does feel a bit like deleting your loved one from the world, but it means you can register lots of mundane official things once without making a difficult call or visit.
Simon
Or just copy and paste the full line into your browser. Sorry I’m new to photo sharing.
Thank you Simon but I was advised and did use the service by the registrar when I went to register her death.
Sounded like it would work seamlessly but afterwards received letters from work pensions etc which had complex and sadly inaccurate calculations of widowers benefits to be paid so had no alternative but to ring to rectify the situation which wasn’t easy.
I found some of these institutions left a lot to be desired in regards to training their employees in how to deal with in our situation. One notable example after a tearful conversation was telling me to have a nice day.
Hi.
I used the DWP “Tell us once” line and I have to say they were really helpful and very kind. I did have some issues with the council though after the registration of Anne’s death. Although you are so busy at this time some official things really are hard to do and make you upset. Anne’s life insurance was a nightmare to do and it was so upsetting for me. I am glad all this side of things is over but the fact Anne is now a “non” person is really hard. She had accounts with Very, JD Williams, her own mobile number and E-mail, all these i have closed down and it’s hard to do with so many thoughts that upset you, I have her mobile with all the lovely photo’s she took, her Whats-app messages still there and other messages, I charge her phone and look at things now and again, sometimes I smile sometimes I cry. The emotional swings are at times hard to deal with.
Yes Trevor I do exactly the same with the old phone, WhatsApp and photos. The videos of my wife where I can see her and importantly hear her voice are irreplaceable.
One company I would single out for praise is O2 who were superb when I rang to cancel her phone.
I know I am on a high emotional state but dealing with others at times made me feel I was being penalised for losing my wife.
Take care
Hi Davos.
Yes the videos are I would say a lifeline. During the last week between her diagnoses and passing I took some sneaky little videos, they do fill me with emotion, sometimes I smile sometimes I get sad.
You know sharing on here does help and although I wouldn’t wish what we are going through on anyone, it is comforting in a strange way that we are not alone in grief.
I have to agree with that last sentiment Trevor. I have been absolutely floundering over the last few days and feeling a little desperate both in my self and in the search for some support. Reading yours, Simons and others sad stories has made me realise I’m not alone in experiencing these painful and difficult to deal with emotions and it has given me a degree of comfort. Not in others suffering but in the knowledge it is shared by so many people in similar tough circumstances. I absolutely ache and hurt not just for myself but for everything my wife had to offer and enjoy over the coming years that she has been so cruelly denied.
Take care and stay with it.
Hi
Somebody just mentioned something in this thread that struck a chord with me. When a loved one passes on the most heartbreaking part for me is the deletion of them from this world. Literally days after they pass their name is removed from society. Their accounts are closed. It’s like their very existence is wiped out. After their funeral that’s it. The paperwork is done and their name literally disappears from the face of the Earth. It’s done neatly, quickly and only their memories are left in the one’s who loved them. This hurts because we are all dispensable at the click of a button. An expensive button as well. All that remains is a photograph on a mantlepiece that visually says they were once here. Time is like quicksand and one day I will be just a photograph on a mantlepiece…
That’s true but it’s a fact in our digital world. We though have memories, items of real meaning of our loved ones and of course the love that lives in us, no one can delete that.
That’s one of the reasons that I get so annoyed when people seeing me for the first time just say ‘Ooooh, how are you?’ without mentioning Hilary by name. My counsellor says it’s my one piece of ‘anger’ - just so offended that her name is avoided now after she had such a colourful, vivacious life. I know some people find it difficult to say - but I don’t care (it’s much worse for me)!
Simon
I’ve had that too Simon, perhaps they think we will be upset? Thing is they may never have been in the situation we are going through.
Hi Trevor
Of course they will always live on in us and our memories can’t be deleted but like Simon I find it personally upsetting when nobody mentions my loved one’s name. Society tries to push you on and it’s hurtful. I had some counselling very early on and one of the first thing the counsellor said to me was “well Lyn sadly he is gone now and we now need to focus on you” I know she was only trying to help but that stung and bought tears to my eyes.
I don’t want to ‘slot’ back in to life as society expects me to. This is my life and a changed one and I won’t be rushed through my grieving process by people avoiding all mention of my loved one. That’s why people seek out bereavement sites because grief is lonely, isolated and traumatic for many where they have no support during this heartbreaking experience.
Hi Lyn
I totally agree. I’ve already had one person actually say “are you not over it yet?” A very callous question I thought. I don’t see me ever getting over it as Anne was so special and made a huge difference to my life so she will always be with me in my day to day existence and yes it’s an existence. I did get a very unexpected call from an old friends wife who I’ve not had contact from for a number of years, she is now 80 and Jim her husband passed around 7 years ago, she moved after and I lost contract. The call was inspiring she gave be good advice and her story gave me faith that although I’d never forget Anne I will given time feel much less pain. She also advised not to constantly call people who think you may not be able to move on as so many really don’t know what to say or even cope with a friends grief. She agrees that the counselling will help, it may be hard in the first instance but overall will help.
The problem is every one grieves in a different way and there is no right or wrong way to deal with death or how you cope etcetera. For me it’s very raw still as it’s only just over nine weeks.