It is good that your colleagues are being nice, but still very tough for you to come home to an empty house. Well done on getting through the first day back.
Hi Janey
I’m glad everyone has been nice to you at work, it can be a bit overwhelming, but it’s nice that people take the time to fuss over us 
Over the last 2 weeks people who I hardly know have stopped me in work to say how sorry they were and asking how I am, and even if that’s upsetting it’s better than no-one saying anything about it.
I know what you mean about coming home to an empty house after work, you just miss someone to tell about your day (good or bad) and ask about theirs, or even just to do the daft chit chat we do with our loved ones. I always say hello to Gordon when I get in, and some days I’ve walked in and just burst into tears, but I can’t not speak to him even if it upsets me, cos it would feel weird walking in and saying nothing. When I’m at home I give Gordon a running commentary about everything I do, cos when you’ve lived with someone I don’t think you can suddenly stop talking to them just because they’re not physically there any longer.
Just remember, all we need to do is get through each day and don’t try to think too far into the future as it is too soon for either of us to do that.
Take care, and I’m here as long as you need me xx
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Thanks Louise like yourself I’m finding it hard to cope I’ve got a good circle of friends and family Robert was one of 10 siblings so I don’t feel I’ve no support but I’m just missing Robert terrible I know you feel the same about Gordon it’s just one step at a time for both of us maybe in time the pain will ease for us both i do hope so you take care speak soon I’m here if you need to talk xx
I lost my hubby in March x I have also lost my mother in law and sister in law in the last 7 months x I was the main carer for my sister in law and my hubby x now they both gone x we had six children but I feel lost x when my children are here I feel they are not feeling how I feel but when am alone I can’t cope x am also sorting everything out for hubby and sister in law (she could not have children) and since my hubby is gone everything goes to my six children x it’s a nightmare x some days all I want do is sit in the garden and cry x but my kids think am weird lol
I hope you reply
Mandy
Hi Mandy
Sorry to hear about you losing so many family members in such a short time, it must have been hard enough already before your husband passed away. Unfortunately no-one can really know how lost and alone we feel, even family, because their relationship with our husbands was different than ours.
Don’t beat yourself up about crying a lot, anyone in our situation is emotionally up and down all the time, when we’re busy or with others it’s bearable but as soon as we’re alone it can come back and hit you really hard (I speak from experience). Just remember, it’s ok to be upset and miss them, it would be weirder to not be upset. Take care, Louise xx
To those of you who have been talking about going back to work, you might like to know that we have had some more posts on this subject from Baggiebird62 and Johnboy412000 here: https://support.sueryder.org//community/coping-death-loved-one/going-back-work
Hi Louise and Janey
I’ve just read your posts and I’m so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband last May and returned to work way too soon, after 5 weeks. I was in the loo crying most of the time. Although it’s nearly 15 months I still call out ‘I’m home’ when I return from work and also call out when I leave. I got a couple of memory bears made with my husband’s favourite clothes and a cushion with his photo that I can cuddle. I have a running commentary all the time at home and when I’m out. I’m afraid sometimes people might overhear me and think I’m mad - no one will realise I’ve lost my best friend, the love of my life and I’m still grieving. It’s a robotic existence! Our lives will never be the same, we just have to learn to live a different kind of life without our loved one. It’s still early days for you and to be honest a long painful journey. I still cry and sometimes it suddenly hits me that this is forever not just a short period. It’s only after the 12 months (in May) I finally gave up hope of waking up to find I’d been having a nightmare. Just remember it will take time, grieve, cry and talk about your husband but most importantly be kind to yourself. Take care. Libby x
I forgot to mention, the first of everything - Birthday, Wedding Anniversary, Christmas etc will be really hard so don’t feel you’re losing it, it’s all part of the grieving process. I started a ritual for each of them. I also have a toast at the grave on special occasions and a small birthday cake with a musical birthday candle. This year the local Hospice had a Butterfly release ceremony in memory of loved ones. Coincidentally, it was on John’s birthday and it was really nice doing something different. Christmas time the hospice organized a Light up a life - a candle is lit on the Christmas tree for a donation in memory of a loved one and they had a brass band and carols. Check out what is on offer in your area. I found New Year very painful as it made me realise that from this year on there would be no more new memories of the two of us. Yes the paperwork is endless and because we are not of pensionable age we are not entitled to our husband’s state pension although you will be entitled to a Widow’s allowance for 52 weeks. Keep an eye on your tax code as that will come as a shock when it changes and they do make mistakes so make sure you question anything that doesn’t look right. I got mine changed as they had duplicated the widow’s allowance, not the payment, just the tax! Take care. Thinking of you. Libby x
Hi Libby
I’m sorry to hear you lost your husband last May, you’re a year ahead of me so it’s quite comforting to hear you’re still doing some of the things that I’ve started doing since Gordon passed away : I always say ‘I’m home’ when I come in and also give him a running commentary of what I’m doing or thinking whenever I’m at home (out loud) or outside (try and do inside my head but sometimes I speak out loud too), and I still look for him watching me out of the window when I’m gardening.
I sleep cuddling one of his sweatshirts and have printed photos of him that are all round the house which upset me at the moment but I also like having them around me because I feel he’s still near me.
I do understand about feeling you’re living a robotic existence, I feel like I’m just going through the motions whenever I’m doing things, and most of the time I feel like half a person. I also agree that most people can’t even imagine the pain we’ve gone through, are still going through and will continue to go through for a very long time. I try not to think about him in work as it sets me off, so I imagine most people think I’m coping ok as I hide it away, but once I come home it hits me again every time.
Thanks for caring enough to take the time to write to me, take care of yourself, Louise xx
Hi Louise I wanted to write to you because it seemed important for you to know even a year on the pain is still there, it will ease a bit and then hit you again when least expected so don’t be surprised if you suddenly find you’ve taken 10 steps back. There is no switch to turn it off - Grief is a roller coaster! I also got a small photo blanket (12 photos) through Groupon or Wowcher they both have them on offer, I sleep with my cushion and blanket. As I can’t take the cushion the blanket is good to take away with me when I visit my son. I too have loads of pictures dotted around every room our wedding photo is the most painful for me in a strange sort of way I welcome the pain. My son wanted a collage at the wake which I have downstairs. There’s also a website that does 3d and 2d key rings with photos, a friend presented me with two of these with one of my favourite photos of John and me. I too have John’s T shirts and pyjama top that I wear in bed. Most of his clothes are still in the wardrobe and personal things everywhere. I can’t bring myself to put them away, I’m just not ready! I’m glad work helps. Returning to an empty house is a terrible feeling, I was sobbing the first time. People don’t understand and after a few months they will expect you to carry on as normal. One lady said to me ‘it’s time you moved on, no one can help you’. It’s true, no one can take away the pain, but a kind word, a gentle touch or a hug doesn’t cost anything. Some people ignore you because they didn’t know what to say, some just don’t think about it. Take care and look after yourself. Hugs. Libby xx
Hi Libby
sorry, missed this email when I was last on. Thanks for this advice, and the suggestions of what you do on special days. It was our wedding anniversary 5 weeks after Gordon passed away, and so I bought a card, wrote it and took it to the cemetery along with some roses, but it upset me so much seeing it the next time that I went that I brought it home, and I’ve decided that I’ll take flowers in future but not the card, as that was always a big thing between us, finding cards that said just the right wording for our feelings. The local hospice is near to where I work, so I’ll have a look this Christmas to see if they do anything similar to yours. Take care, Louise xx
Oh Libby, it’s so weird, you’re basically a year ahead of me in the ‘grieving process’ and yet what you write resonates so much with me. I’ve told my family that Gordon’s clothes and belongings will stay where they are for as long as I need them there, because they aren’t taking up any more room than they did when he was here, and it is comforting to see everything where it always was.
What I find is, as long as I’m busy I’m ok, but then as soon as I stop and just sit down I start crying and miss him so much. I find myself apologising to people if I start crying while talking to them, which is daft, because I should be crying over this, and I need to stop apologising so much because I’m not doing anything wrong, and if it makes people uncomfortable there’s nothing really I can do about that. Take care, Louise xx
Hi Louise. The bottom draw of my bed is full of cards from John and myself to each other. I have a lever arch file jammed wirh letters from John that I also read from time to time. We loved exchanging cards for no apparent reason, it was the wording on the cards that was important. Never did valentines, John always said ‘everyday is Valentines for us’ we didn’t need just one special day to prove love. I still take a card for special occasions and there are fresh flowers always as I visit the grave every werk. It’s 15 months today. John’s sister-in-law asked me earlier in the week if I was going to get rid of the medication in the bathroom and said ’ I suppose you still have his clothes in the wardrobe?’ Yes I do I said I’ll sort things out one day when I’m ready. You’re so right, it is comforting to have something looking normal. I hate changing things around which I’ve had ti do with the spare room and it still upsets me. You take your time, do what you have to do to get you through this traumatic time. It’s your home, yours and Gordon’s. I find myself refering to it as ‘Our’ home, force of habit. It was quite a painful ordeal when I had to go to the silicitors to change the deeds of the house. I broke my heart to leave just my name on it. I still phone home to listen to John’s recorded message. Sad, I know, it’s like an obsession. Hope you’re ok. Take care.Hugs, Libby xx
Hi Libby, hope Sunday was ok for you ;(
It’s funny, I had a friend round last night, and she was admiring the flowers in my living room and I said they were a mirror image of what I had on Gordon’s grave, and she said, quite surprised ’ do you go every week?’ like it was something weird… I said that of course I went every week, but I thought, unless you’ve been through this (which she hasn’t) you really don’t get it, that going to his grave, even though I cry like a tap while I’m there is a comfort cos I feel close to his physical self. I take Gordon fresh flowers and have a couple of plants on his grave, and I can’t get there as much as I’d like but try to go at least twice a week while there are still light nights.
I’m just starting looking at changing the deeds to our house, and just thinking about doing it makes me cry, because everything I do like this feels like I’m getting rid of a part of him. I’ve got a couple of 5 second movies that I shot on my camera and watch them sometimes, but I can’t bring myself to watch our wedding video or anything like that.
Listen, there’s nothing wrong with anything we’re doing, and if it makes things easier for us that’s all that matters, because we’re the ones who have to live with this every day. Take care, Louise xx
Hi Louise. Thanks for thinking of me, I know how hard it must be for you right now. You will go through so many phases. Sometimes it will take you back 10 steps but hang in there. It’s a treacherous journey ahead. I am lucky John left me a recorded video message and a goodbye letter. He knew it would end this way only I wasn’t prepared to accept the inevitable. So I watch the video every evening, it’s like watching and listening to him on Skype. I too have a few short video’s that are precious to me. I went to the grave yesterday as it was a lovely evening as I don’t drive it’s not easy to go on a whim but I make sure I go every weekend any extra visits are a bonus. Before I went back to work I visited the grave every day. You’re not doing anyone any harm go as often as you like. Take care. Hugs. Libby xx
Hi Libby sorry it’s took me so long to get back to you thank you for sending Louise and myself a message I’m finding it really hard to cope at the moment I just can’t seem to take in what has happened sorry for your loss also I hope you are taking care of yourself I just hope one day the pain will ease for us all I’m here anytime you want to talk xxx
Hi Janey. Please don’t apologise. I am fully aware of the kind of hell you are going through right now, just be yourself and take each day as it comes. Don’t try to please people, take your time and grieve any way you feel comfortable dealing with it. I am here if you ever want to talk, sometimes it’s easier talking to strangers than people you know. Here on this site you will not be judged so feel free to post. We have lost a loved one and know how hard it is. I wish I could tell you when the pain will ease unfortunately, it’s different for each one. Although it’s 15 months since I lost my husband I still have times when an incident, a song or photo or anything can feel like a someone plunging a knife into my heart and twisting it. Our wedding anniversary is coming up next month, same day as my birthday, I’m really not looking forward to it. So many memories! Take care of yourself. Hug xx
Hi Janey. Please don’t apologise. I am fully aware of the kind of hell you are going through right now, just be yourself and take each day as it comes. Don’t try to please people, take your time and grieve any way you feel comfortable dealing with it. I am here if you ever want to talk, sometimes it’s easier talking to strangers than people you know. Here on this site you will not be judged so feel free to post. We have lost a loved one and know how hard it is. I wish I could tell you when the pain will ease unfortunately, it’s different for each one. Although it’s 15 months since I lost my husband I still have times when an incident, a song or photo or anything can feel like a someone plunging a knife into my heart and twisting it. Our wedding anniversary is coming up next month, same day as my birthday, I’m really not looking forward to it. So many memories! Take care of yourself. Hug xx