Hi Pah,
Arrh thank you for the cyber cuddles and when you put the lovely sounding Susie - Hope that touched me asshe is I feel my only hope and fur baby my only reason to carry on and it’s such a painfull struggle!!
Your friend sound like she has been really kind and supportive to you do you see her often? Or if you don’t maybe a idea to see her more as she helps even if it for a little while but I really know what you mean about when you leave and home and alone again you just wana put the blankets over your headand shut the world out and stop the pain. Now for me at home I have Susie hope at least I said to my gp I don’t know how I even stayed in the home alone before I got Susie . I couldn’t be here alone now so she does provide good comfort . I like you when gp and crisis team spoke tome kept encouraging me to get a puppy / dog as will give me a reason and company but I kept thinking saying I can’t don’t take of myself so not fair on dog and at first ESP with her being a pup and needing traing etc it was a struggle and did question if it was the right thing for a good month but then got into bit of routine and she was the one who did put I that bit of structure and distraction and now I wouldn’t be without her! I don’t eat or sleep right or anything and I’m in such a low place everyday I dread and question how am I going to get through this even with all I’ve just put about Susie hope I do think that the pain of being without mum is just too strong too painfull and the memory’s of her being so ill haunt me keep getting more flashbacks and just cry everything feels like a long battle and it’s exhausting and overwhelming. I know I’m getting more anxious as it nearly firt birthdaywithout mum and just putting that brings me to tears I just dreading it it’s so very painfull . Like you I think won’t hear her voice again hug her and that is hard to get your head around as it’s heartbreaking.
Your words are comforting in what someone told you about how mum dad always be part of you. I wear a peas in a pod necklace everyday and my mum has the other part and I kiss mine every night and say love you mum miss you. You have your mums hankie at night that made cry when I read that as its such a simple but caring and touching thing for you and yr mum.
Sending back big cyber hug to you and thinking of you
Love from Tray xx
Hi Tray
I like the idea of wearing a piece of Mum’s jewellery as well but am frightened that I will lose it and then will be upset about that too.
What sort of dog is Susie Hope? You mention on another thread she is still growing. I used to have dogs but only little ones as the house is quite small with small garden too. I have a cat who wouldn’t take to a dog or would get another one. Something for the future for me when I find somewhere else to live.
I hope you had a good night and the weather is good where you are. Sunshine out here so walk later for me.
Xx
Hi Pah,
Nice to hear from you.
I too worry about wearing the necklace it is a phobia of mine about losing it but I find it a great comfort so I try to just keep that it mind but I really do know what you mean! . The necklace I got one for mum and one for me a set for mothers day in March this year and we both wore our own everyday every night. Necklace is peas in a pod as that’s what we were are . Maybe you could buy a little something doesn’t have to be expensive in your mums memory and love . I’ve got a ring/ necklace that got for mum( I loved buying things for her there not worth much in money terms but sentimental value they are priceless and mean world to me ) I’m gonna thread ribbon through them and hang them over a picture of mum or next to my bed or something like that, not sure yet as haven’t done it.
I did even think of getting a very small discret tattoo done for mum ( on the inside of finger maybe) and I don’t have any tattoos but it was just a thought that went through my mind.
Susie-Hope is a Rottweiler so going to big large breed dog . Always had larger breeds but love all dogs and animals. Did I tell you she won 1st place cutest puppy about 3 weeks ago . She won a medal and a trophy it was out of 16 pups so she did really well. I’m going to engrave the back of medal and dedicate it to mum. ( sorry if told you’ll that before I can’t remember??)
You have a cat what’s yr cat called? Did you go for your walk ?
I’m dreading tomorrow got really upset earlier hope I sleep tonight as lack of sleep makes things even more emotional and harder to cope.
With love, Tray xx
Hi Tray
Thinking of buying myself a birthday present that can in my mind be from Mum. I saw a handmade kingfisher necklace advertised recently and know if Mum had been here and I had shown her she would have got it for me. Yes I was the same as you, always buying little things for her when I went away. I used to save them up and fill a Christmas stocking for her. Silly things like fridge magnets and pens, little glass cat from Venice that sort of thing.
You are brave thinking about a tattoo, I am not good with pain. A little discreet one would be nice though.
No you hadn’t told me about Susie-Hope winning cutest puppy, wow! How proud you must be of her. Rottweilers get very big don’t they but good idea to have a bigger dog when you live on your own I think.
Had a lovely walk today but am starting to have panic attacks a lot the last week or so. Not just when I am out, couple of times at home. Very unnerving and not sure what to do. Have started a thread on here to see I get any advice.
Sleep well tonight, ‘tomorrow is another day’ as Scarlet O’Hara said in Gone With The Wind.
Xx
Happy birthday, Tray. I hope you are having as good a day as you can under the circumstances and you have found a nice way to mark the day and remember your mum. Just wanted you to know that people on the Online Community are thinking of you today.
Hi Tray. I am thinking of you and hope your birthday - though difficult - is less difficult than you thought and that some positive things for the future come to you today. I am actually in the same boat as you, as my birthday is Wednesday this week. I’m planning a quiet day and going for a meal with my partner to a restaurant my mum also happened to love, in the evening. Not feeling great so far this week I have to admit.
xxxxx
Hi Priscilla,
Thank you for you post and thinking of me today. I feel so sad. I’m on my own with Susie-Hope. Just sat here crying. Don’t know what to do. Just so low missing mum so much she would always come in a say here’s the big birthday kiss which meant the world to me. This is horrible. Feel so unloved. Just want my mum know I’m a adult but just want hug from mum and her here and well.
I just don’t know what to do feel so alone but thank you so much for your post I really appriciated it . Just this first birthday without mum and just don’t wannabe here in this low and alone . Every birthday was just me mum and may our dog we lost in feb this year. Just so alone sad feel unlovable . Love mum so much she was my world. Thankyounagain . Tray xx
Hi Caracara 14,
Thank you so much for your post and wishing me happybirthday . It’s the first without mum and we always spent it together just me and may our labrador dog who lost in feb this year. I’m just sat here crying alone in so much pain and loss I miss her so much this is so very painful I’m so alone and empty . Just want her here to give a big hug. Can’t stop crying .
I hope yr birthday goes as best as it can it sounds nice what you are doing and a place that your mum loved so that’s nice meaning. Sorryhopemy post not depressesd you more as yr bray we’d just I feel am so alone can’t stop crying.
Again thank you for thinking of me means a lot.
Love from Tray xx
Hi Pah ,
I think you should treat yourself to the necklace your mum would want you to i think you get it for yr birthday with your mums thought its a lovely meaning thing to do even if you worry too much about wearing it you could put it somewhere where you always see it.
I’m feeling so very low today I can’t stop crying I feel so sad and alone and empty and painfully miss my mum it’s first badly without and every single one it has been me mum and our dog May who died in Feb this year she was our world. I miss her beyond words just sat here crying alone. I get panic attacks too and anxiety so I know what you mean and how you feel and they are awfull and can be very scary and tiring .grief losing mum and how she suffered is the most painfull thing in the world universe.
I’m really struggling today . Feel sick with crying so much. So low. Just want big hug from mum . Instead just alone and crying in pain. Sorry for going on. With love and thinking of you. Tray xx
Hi Tray
Hope your Birthday is going alright. I won’t say Happy Birthday for obvious reasons. I am thinking about you today and sending you hugs. Have you gone for a walk with Susie-Hope? The weather has been great here so maybe with you too.
Have sent for the necklace!
My day has been quite bad as a friend of Mum’s died just after her and I have been to the funeral today. Didn’t think I could do it but got there and sat quietly to one side. Very painful as one of the hymns was the same as Mum had.
Xx
Just wanted to send you Birthday wishes, bit early I know but in case you don’t come on this site on Wednesday. A meal where your Mum loved sounds good and a great way to remember her.
I have the same situation coming up later this month. When Mum was first taken ill she said we’ll go to this restaurant when this is all over. I suddenly can’t face it and have asked to go somewhere else with less memories. Will try for her Birthday later in the year when less raw.
Hi Pah,
I’m so pleased you have sent for the necklace your mum would I’m sure be so pleased you did that aswell . With you mentioning the necklace it made me think of something I could get today so I ordered 2 charms that go onto a bracelet . My mum got me the bracelet and all the other charms I got ones you can engrave on .orderd them just now before looking at emails.
1 says . Mum and may always loved xx and the other one I’ve put Susie hope saviour ( the saviour part as my cpn nurse says thats what she has been to me ).
We did go for walk and I was talking to my mum in my mind and crying . Spent whole day crying. It’s red raw. So painfull.
You did so well to be able to go to the funeral that must of been a really tough thing to do and really emotional for you as one of the songs was same as your mums it’s a really loving thing you did today as many may not of been able to face it.
I’m so glad you got the necklace! Will leave it here for now as I’m feeling so exhausted emotionally mentally physically. I ve just lit a candle in other room next to photo of me and her as it night time will put out later and have few more words.;
I’d give anything to have ahug from mum now. So very painful
With love from Tray Susie hope xx
Hi Caracara14,
I’m posting tonight incase the Internet goes down 2mrow( it does sometimes in village) I wanted to wish your happy birthday and that will be thinking of you. I know the happy part is not how feeling and will be a difficult day but hope you like the meal night you are going on with your partner . Your mum is always there in your heart and mind.
Birthday hug sent for you xxx from Tray xx
Thank you all so much for the kind birthday wishes. It was not a day I was looking forward to at all but it worked out much better than expected - got lots of lovely messages and cards and an unexpected rose plant present from my neighbours. Later in the afternoon my partner came over for some beer in my garden and then he and I went out for a lovely Chinese meal. Now tired and I think I’ll sleep well. None of it’s easy but am trying hard to live as my mum taught me to and as she would want xxxxxx