i everyone,
I’ lost my mum may 2022 coming up to one year. I was adopted at 6 by mum and dad. Mum was extra special. I am still grieving and cannot get any councelling . Everyone tells me it get better after time but I’m not feeling like that I’m struggling To eat properly and just staying in my bed not wanting to go out I feel I’m a failure and letting my mum down. Unfortunately secondary cancer near my mum till the end my mum fought so hard as she did not want to leave me or dad. Unfortunately my mum had a bad seizure due to the cancer in her brain bd from that she was rushed to hospital and unfortunately never got better. I was doing he night shifts my dad the day shifts I can’t forget what I witnessed looking after mum me and dad did not want mum to die alone. Mum went into the hospital Friday Saturday was my cousins wedding and Sunday family paid there last respects mum was a fighter she kept holding on and on the Tuesday as hasn’t been sleeping stayed in the hospital dad said go get some sleep i was due at 9:00pm dad also went to get some rest my auntie and uncle stayed unfortunately mum passed away 8:00pm I would never forget that day. I arranged mum’s funeral flowers and mum had already made and planned her funeral I was unaware regarding this. I said a speech and two poems . I’m only 33 with mental health illnesses and physical disability full time powerchair. After funeral mum’s family don’t see or speak to me I feel so alone the time you need others around you the most I had to deal with it all by myself. Never knew what grief was really like till mum died December my grandpa died then may mum died had no time to process I just feel completely alone cannot sleep and if I do wish I never woke up and I could be with mum. Grieving is different for everyone but I never realised anger was a sign of grief and still grieving today. I would suddenly cry out if nowhere my mum was not just my mum but best friend. I miss her dearly every single day a part of me has gone with her as I’m so broken 
Hello @Lesley21, I am so sorry for the loss of your mum, I can hear the pain that you are in. Thank you for being so brave and sharing what you’re feeling with us here. I really hope that you find the community to be a support to you.
There’s a busy support thread here for people who have lost their mums - you might want to have a read and introduce yourself, if you feel up to it: Dealing with the sudden loss of my Mum
@Saraht23 and @Craigbst have also recently shared threads about losing their mums, if you would like to connect with them.
I hope that these Sue Ryder resources can help you through what you’re going through right now too:
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Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
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Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
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Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat. You’ve mentioned not being able to get any counselling, so if this sounds like it would be helpful please do have a look.
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Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
Take good care, @Lesley21, and please keep reaching out - you are not alone.
Seaneen
Wow what an emotional rollercoster you have been on, you sound like a strong person and its ok to have down days we have all been there when we dont get dressed or avoid people or make plans and cancel.
Like your mum my mum had a seizure that made her health detoriate .
I sometimes think family pass away when your not with them as a way of protecting you i believe this with my nan.
And your right i have never experienced a feeling like this before sadness brokenss and lonleyness.
One day at a time it dosent get easier but i think we learn to manage our feelings in different ways and grieve in other ways