Hi Lyn,
In totally agreement with you. If you’ve lost a dad - or in my case a mum - I think you’re entitled to be completely selfish and indulge your feelings. Who do you need to put on a brave face for anyway? Good on you for being so honest. But I do hope now that you’ve got at least one of the big sad landmarks behind you, you’ll feel a little bit more at peace - if only temporarily.
Hugs
Marigold
XXX
Hi Lucy
Thank you so much for your perspective. The dioreha comment is very useful in case she ever does go into hospital. Never thought of that! The fact you say I will get through it means so much to me too after what you have gone through. In fact the words of wisdom on here remind me of what my mum would say so I feel like I now have a bunch of virtual siblings to see me though all this. Thank you all.
I know what you mean Marigold about death not being the same on tv. My dad was in the bathroom, drooling and slumped over with faceas on the floor when I got there. So glad I did get there in time to hold his hand but the sight was so distressing for such a proud man.
I think the bit about a move to the hospice I worry the most about is seeing my mum look around the house she loves for the last time. That terrifies me so I understand what you mean about that Lucy too.
Anyway. Another day. I will try not to be a shit…and it’s because of this forum so thank you!
Ann xx
Hi Ann,
Sadly death is rarely dignified and is always frightening- as you both say it is nothing like they show on tv.
You saying about your mum looking around the house one last time is so very sad. My mum was in hospital and then moved in a nursing home but she said she wanted to go home. I was scared to even drive her past the house at first but one day I asked if she wanted to go and have a look. We sat on the drive for a few moments and I was expecting Mum to be very sad and upset but she wasn’t.
It was as if she knew that this part of her life was over. She did not ask to go in which I thought she would. In fact she said it looked unfamiliar to her and she hoped the people living there now would not mind us sitting on the drive. Mum did not have dementia but her brain capacity was affected by the illness I think.
I suppose I am trying to say that maybe it would not be as bad as you imagine. If your mum is confused at the moment she may not relate things together in the way she used to. It will always be distressing for us as their family because we are living the process so closely with them but I found that my mum did seem to understand and accept that she was better off not being at home in the end.
Like others have said, maybe you could visit a hospice without your mum to talk things through. Maybe a respite placement would be available so that you can have some more support too.
I like the idea of virtual siblings!
Must go as work beckons - speak later.
Caroline xxx
Late evening all,
I am having a major missing my Mum moment tonight. No real reason other than just hating not being able to talk to her.
Hope everyone is ok.
Caroline xxx
Hi Caroline
I thought I’d just send a quick note before I head off for bed. It’s horrible when your mum’s not there to talk to. We are poor substitutes for your mum but you’ve got the gang here to lean on.
Hugs
Marigold
XXX
Thank you Marigold- certainly not poor substitutes.
Caroline xxx
Hi Caroline.
Just wanted to say good morning and hope you are ok today. It is like a tide when those emotions hit but hope the tide is gentle on you today.
Ann x
Morning Ann,
I am ok - thank you - just knackered all over again. Grief is just so exhausting.
Thank you, and Marigold, for the messages - just what I needed.
Caroline xxx
Morning Caroline
Hope you are ok today? Make sure you get some rest as yes grief is both physically and mentally overwhelming. Missing your mum is a natural feeling but such a hard one to process.
I have not had a good start to the week. Sunday evening I went to bed and had raging toothache so Monday got an appointment with my dentist who said my tooth is infected and needs to come out so was given antibiotics (I have had these antibiotics before) so took 2 and by Monday night I had a severe allergic reaction to them.
I had a rash all over my body, my face, lips and eyes swelled up and I was shaking and burning up. It was horrible, I was so scared. I phoned my male friend who lives a few doors away and he took one look at me and said need to go to A&E but there is no way I could go back to that hospital where dad had died so went to a pharmacy and they said it was a common reaction and it would clear up in a few days. I have another type of antibiotic to take now but apprehensive about taking it. I am still feeling crappy and worrying about having to take time off work whilst I am still on a phased back return.
The worse thing was wanting to pick the phone up to tell dad as I always turn to him when anything goes wrong and I find it so heartbreaking.
Hope everyone else is doing ok…
xxx
Morning Lyn,
I am ok, thanks - working which always takes my mind of stuff.
Gosh was a frightful experience with the antibiotics - I hope they get your tooth fixed soon and that you feel much better. Don’t worry about work, they will understand and it is not your fault.
Yes, so many times I have reached for the phone to tell Mum something and then realised … totally heartbreaking as you say.
Hope you get some rest and feel much better soon.
Caroline xxx
Thanks Caroline
I still look like the elephant man but it will take a few days so I am just resting and will start the new antibiotics tomorrow and thankfully I don’t have any toothache at the moment to contend with.
I understand about working taking your mind off things as I was just starting to feel a lot better after returning back to work but guess setbacks are all part of life.
The sun is shining and it’s getting a bit warmer so hope that will lift all our spirits
xxx
Hi everyone
Had a bad day today and missing dad so much. Just gone through all our text messages and it’s just like we are having a real life conversation and I get to the last text and it’s just so devastatingly final.
Looked at all our photo’s and again time just stands still. The photo album is closed. No more to be added. It’s just so unbearable at times and no way through it, round it, over it or any answers.
Just needed to let my feelings out
Hope everyone is doing better than me today
xxx
Hi Lyn and everyone
I understand just what you mean. I have been taking a few days to try to make sense of it all, but it just does not make sense. I wake up and say “mum” every morning literally the second I wake so it must be on my mind all night as I do not have to wake up and remember. My mum did not text. I have photos next to me and ask my mum where she is.
At work people will say have a good weekend and I wondered why they were saying that to me. How can I? But then I have seen a couple of wishes from you all for a good weekend and that made me realise that is what we need to try to do so I am trying to give that a go with a cd, dvd and book for the weekend and although I could not really understand doing so I ventured out with friends for a meal at the weekend.
Xxx
Hi Lyn,
I am so sorry that you are struggling and I sympathise and empathise. This is such a tough journey.
The finality is the thing that is hardest to take. Nothing will ever be the same again without our parents that we loved so dearly.
It was one of nephew’s 28th birthday yesterday and last year Mum went out for the usual meal with the family. As I say, life is not the same.
I hope that you are ok and that tomorrow will be a better day for you. Thinking of you and sending love and hugs.
Caroline xxx
Hi Jane,
I have found myself ‘talking’ to Mum regularly asking her where she is and it is odd as Mum and I had conversations about where my dad went when he died 33 years ago. She could not make sense of him being here one moment and then just gone the next - this is where I find myself now.
The ‘have a good weekend’ idea is, I suppose, said in hope that all,of us will be ok. But I also agree that we do have to (whether we like it or not ) try to move forward, step by step. Getting back to some things that you do enjoy is also part of the journey and our parents always enjoyed seeing us happy.
I am a couple of months on from when you lost your Mum, I think, and it does change over time. I cannot say it is ever easy but it does get easier to bear. I was talking to my husband about it last night and we both admitted that it is going to be tough as hell for a good while yet.
Sending you love and hugs too.
Caroline xxx
Sorry to read about your mum…and the loss u now feel…u have come this far…u only know your reaction when it happens and u are forced to keep going or give up.u are stronger than u think. Keep putting 1 foot in front of the other.
I lost my mum very suddenly,when i was 11, suffered a brain haemmorage,she was only 28… didn’t get a chance to say goodbye and tell her how much i loved her. When i did see her and say ‘goodbye’,it was in the funeral directors.
Stay strong and all the best.
Hi Lyn
Just a quick good morning. You are so entitled to have a bad day. I just hope today is easier for you. I keep using the analogy of feeling like I have been run over by a truck. Then another one…It is the only phrase that sums up for me the intensity of it all so I do understand the depth of feelings you have been going though.
Hi Jane
I also understand your feelings to the phrase have a good weekend. For 9 months people have been saying it to me without thinking and I just look back blankly or even laugh. I will have gòod weekends in the future as I owe it to my wonderful parents to do so, but just not yet. Little steps like DVDs and friends sound great though. Well done. Even if you are going through the motions at first, you will get there. We all will.
Ann x
Hi everyone
Thanks for your support as always.
These dark days that we all have just seem to hit like a tidal wave without warning and literally knock you off your feet don’t they?
I have been off work sick this week so I have had lots of alone time to think about everything and try to make sense of it and Jane, as you say, I agree nothing makes sense, how can it?
I agree with Caroline re good weekends, for us saying it to each other is a different meaning. It is simply hoping we get through them the best we can and are ok.
When anyone else says it to me outside of our group on here, I am like you Ann I just look at them blankly.
Jane a CD, DVD and a book sounds comforting and also some distraction as I do believe we have to take small breaks from all this grief to keep us healthy. I used to love reading but not been able to concentrate, however, I might give it a go myself this weekend.
A friend bought me a book for Christmas and it looks really good. It’s called After the Snow by Susannah Constantine and the reviews say fans of Downton Abbey will love this book and I love Downton so thanks for the tip Jane, I am going to do it.
Take care everyone
love and hugs
Lyn xx
Hi Lucy
Not heard from you for a little while? Are you ok?
Thinking of you
xxx
Hi Ann
How is your mum? Have you sorted anything out with care?
Hope you are managing to get some rest as you must be exhausted
xxx