My 46 Year Old Wife

5 to 7 months were very up and down for me too. I seem more settled right now but that could change. There are definitely longer periods between the grief waves.

I wasn’t in a good place just before he died, various reasons and I was unusually off. He was also sleeping a lot, we put this down to other things, now I know it was a symptom of his heart failure. I now focus solely on that and not all the great days we had. I hope they will come back to me, although I do wonder if I block it, to save me more pain.

I do sometimes have memories pop in and I do smile but they are brief.

@Ali29 I’m sure analysing & doubting ourselves is all part of the grief process. I just hope after all the good times we had that the good memories outweigh the not so good ones. Sending hugs.

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@Jan17 Have to agree with Ali, and from what I have seen on here it seems universal that we all go through a stage of shock at the start that lasts for many months. I felt as if I was coping, rebuilding, getting through things and then I just felt it all rapidly slipping away again. It was hard, the hardest part being that it made me feel so unsure of my confidence. I thought I was getting through. Another doubt to hang above me. But it did pass, I have got here. Somehow it feels more stable now, I’m hoping it lasts, so far so good. Hope it goes this way for you to, we are all here if you need us.

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I did a module on grief with my counselling studies and, although everyone is very different, many do follow this curve. That’s not to say you won’t enter into the different sections at different times

https://www.psycom.net/stages-of-grief

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Is it worth doing a video then ? Honestly i took a video of my husbands last holiday and so glad i did . Its lovely to remember him and see that lovely cheeky face ! Xxx

I agree, I watch the videos my wife recorded on her phone for my son and I every day - many times over to be honest.

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If it’s at all possible try make videos or take photos of your husband in everyday situations even if it’s painful to do,when he is no longer with you looking at him and listening to his voice will at first cause you pain but in time it will prove something to treasure. Of the many things I miss the most my wife’s voice is near the top of the list.
It may be difficult to do but think about it.

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Sorry debs just seen this. We have lots of videos from over the years and that’s how I want the boys to remember him (playing with them outside etc) not stuck in a bed not being able to do much atall and wasting away :cry:

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We have videos over the years which is how I hope the boys remember him rather than how he is now. I’m going to get them all downloaded on a hard drive and give them to both boys to keep

Aw … i know and thats good you have them !!! Xx

This isn’t aimed at you, but when these things happen with a terminal illness, there’s so much pressure to “make memories” “write letters/videos” etc that it can all seems so fake. I would have been the one writing letters/birthdays cards etc but it’s just not Matt. I’ll just have to make sure I talk about him loads

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It might seem that way now - but I wish my partner had made me a video log - I searched everywhere in the hope she had. Someone’s perspective changes when facing their own mortality and there will be things he wants to say that didn’t seem necessary before.

It’s not about how they look in the video - my partner was a shadow of herself at the end compared to when she was healthy physically, but that’s irrelevant to me - it’s her. She will always be beautiful to me inside and out regardless whether she was at her peak health or close to death.
I wish I had something more detailed and personal that is a permanent record of her - her voice, her mannerisms, how she was, how she phrased things.
With time memory will start to become a bit hazy.
Home videos are of situations, usually with other people there - not a personal conversation they have with you - you don’t do that in normal day to day life because you just say it to the person in the moment - there’s no reason to record it

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Yeh fair enough . . Each to his own :slight_smile:

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I think they are going through so much whilst battling this, it’s probably not their main priority. I would also imagine that it would be so hard to do the video for them. I can’t imagine just how hard those words would be.
I really feel there is so much pressure put on those who are terminally ill. “make memories” “do letters” “make a video” when all they are really trying to do is stay alive.
It doesn’t mean they love us any less, and whilst our memories will fade to a certain extent, we still have pictures and we will always remember the important things. X

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My husband was not too bad when we did our video … at the time i thought it was a bit crass but now im so glad my daughter in law did it … it was of all of us not just my husband … x

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It’s not something I even considered before - it’s retrospective.
If I’d have asked, she would’ve - she was trying to get me to accept that she might not make it in her own way - but I refused to talk about funerals or what might be without her.
Just hell bent on trying to find something to save her or extend her life. I was still consulting with another liver specialist in India about a liver transplant less than a month before she died.
I knew she was too weak to travel or survive a major surgery.
I guess that was my coping mechanism at the time.
Discussing funerals or anything related to her death was giving up on her.

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Yeh i know what you mean … i did same - did all i could do ! I only wish the hospital had tried that too but i feel let down by them tbh … i feel they fooled us all along with false hope and they got so much wrong :frowning: xx

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I’ve got no faith in NHS - when it spread to her liver, the MDT wrote her off, said done all they’re prepared to do and it’s stock standard chemo now and she’s got 12 months best case scenario if chemo works - good luck.
I’d have started consulting with foreign hospitals at beginning of diagnosis if I’d have known what I know now.

I wouldnt accept anything a dr at NHS says and second guess everything

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Absolutely agree, we spent 8 weeks of the NHS trying to work out what my wife’s cancer was - at which point jaundice had kicked in. NHS weren’t prepared to stent, drain or start chemo. We had to go private at that point - the standard of care, and speed, were exceptional - but if I’d known how terrible the NHS would be, or how they would write off my wife, I would have gone private from the very start. I still question if that would have made a difference.

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It’s shocking - and you don’t know what you dont know - hindsight is always 20:20.

I also don’t know if it would have made a difference in long run - but she would still be here now at very least😞

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