Despair is the word I’ve been using lately.
Never had I ever used that word or even knew what it felt like until Rhianna passed away.
Panic attacks…I hear you 
!!
No-one gets it!!
It’s good that your getting out, distractions, distractions Andy, that’s the only coping mechanism, complete distractions.
As for talking to your daughter, hey I’m always doing it. I say goodnight to Rhianna & when I come downstairs I look at her beautiful face on her photograph & say good morning beautiful, she new she was so beautiful. She never new how beautiful inside she was, how many people she helped & hearts she touched, but hey she does now. X
Always talk to your daughter because she hears you & your certainly not mad, the people who have not endured grief yet will eventually understand & hey sod them anyway.
I havnt gotten out yet, not even to the shops, just to my daughter’s graveside. I find peace there with a chair & a cuppa. It’s so beautiful there. So many people grieving, I talk to them & them are the new people I have met. People grieving. People with different stories of different people who have died of all ages, people that know grief. I never new grief until that awful day my daughter died.
We as a now small family of 3 went to Wales for 2 weeks to my daughters favourite beach, after her burial, the pain was immense, 1st time going there without her, but I kept talking to people, strangers about my daughter as there was no trauma there.
I walked into the sea one an evening, a beautiful sunset, my daughter loved the sea, like a mermaid.
So I walked in to the sea, the water was still warm from the week before, it had been a heatwave, the water was crystal clear, felt Mediterranean, the water was still, I kept walking, my little dog couldn’t swim to me anymore, I couldn’t hear my son or my husband calling me. I just kept walking, fully clothed, my tears were falling down my face like the rain, uncontrollable sobbing, I wanted the pain to stop, I wanted my baby! Then all of a sudden, from nowhere came this Almighty scream, it’s was me. I Screamed “Rhianna” out to see as far as my lungs & soul could reach. I fell to my.knees in the water. It was still so still. I cried & cried! Then this sort of calm sat on me, I can’t explain.
But I felt peace. Just for 2 weeks.
Then I came home.
So… what I’m saying Andy, you are still in the place of trauma. You & your family need to plan a get away, get a tent, go somewhere that reminds you of your daughter, a place with NO trauma. Talk about her until the cows come home. You will be so surprised at how healing it is.
Always remember keep talking about your angel. Keep talking, keep her memory alive. Sod the system, you havnt the energy just yet. Release your anger. Go fishing. Do lovely things, don’t be afraid to be happy because your daughter is behind your smile & looking through your eyes at your happiness.
She wants you all to be happy 
No arguments.
Believe me, we’ve been through that too, it’s grief 
But you’ve got to pull together, cry together.
No-one close to you could stop this awful tragedy.
Believe me…I know.
Our grief is still so raw Andy… the pain will never go, it will just get easier to live with.
You need support, your family need support, you all need each other.
Listen to your daughter. X
We can all get through this together! X
Love Emma. X!
I’ve uploaded pictures of my beautiful 24 year old Rhianna. My light. X
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