Hello. My husband of 23 years passed away suddenly just over a month ago and we have a 15 years old son. I am worried about him as I know he is very sad but refuses to talk about his feeling. He is just bottling everything up and trying to stay busy talking to his friends and playing football (which is good). I suggested counselling or looking up support options on Wiston Wish but he refuses and say it won’t help him. Is this normal behaviour for a teenage boy and has anyone who has been in a similar situation got any advice or would like to share their experience? Many thanks.
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Hello @Emmanna, I’m very sorry for the loss of your husband. I’m just giving your thread a gentle bump - hopefully someone will be along to offer their support.
You might find this thread helpful to read. Some of our members talk about what it was like to lose a parent as a child, and other members share some insights into how their own children have coped with loss:
I hope this is helpful - take good care,
Seaneen
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That’s very helpful thank you.
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Hi @Emmanna so sorry for your recent loss, it’s very hard trying to support others when in the depths of grief yourself. My boys lost their Dad ten years ago when our eldest was still in his teens. He rarely opened up to me about his feelings. I think it’s important that your son knows you’re there for him if he wants to share his thoughts. He may be worried it would upset you. Gently encouraging him to access other support is good but my son used his friendship group really. As he grew older we obviously talked about his Dad but I know in the early days he just found it too painful and wanted to be distracted from his grief. Sending best wishes of consolation to you…xx
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Dear @Rosiepink - Thank you for your reply and kind wishes. As parents, we seem to grieve for ourselves and our children at the same time. My son also has a good friendship group and he plays a lot of football - his football has been incredibly supportive, more so than school - so I am hoping like you say, as he grows older, we will be able to talk about his dad more and I have told him he can talk to me if he wants to. Thanks again xx
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Hi @Emmanna, I’m sorry for yours and your sons loss. I’m not sure if I can offer any advice really, but I lost my dad at 13 so can share my experience which might help. My dad was ill for sometime but his death hit me like a tonne of bricks. I loved my dad and had many happy memories but I found it incredibly painful to talk about him to anyone, the pain was physical and I felt like if I cried I would never stop; it was easier at that age just to bottle it up and carry on. I also felt a responsibility to stay strong for my mum. School offered me counselling but I refused. Fortunately, I had a wonderful mum and group of friends who supported me. I found a lot of comfort in being outdoors, music and visiting places that held special memories (my mum and I continued our annual family holiday to the new forest, but stayed in a new place so the memories weren’t too overwhelming). The physical pain of the loss stayed with me for a long time (probably 10years) and it’s only in the last few years (I’m in my thirties now) that I can talk openly about my dad and feel happy rather than sad when thinking about him. One thing I would say is that I became very anxious about losing my mum too. Obviously this is my experience and may not resonate with your son, the only thing I can advise is be open to talking when he wants to, and maybe let him lead on a few things (I couldn’t bare the thought of christmas so my mum let me cancel it and we didn’t put a single decoration up for around 3 years). Wishing you strength and comfort x
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Hi @Lizzie21 thank you so much for sharing. It’s good to have the perspective of someone who went through the same thing as my son is experiencing now. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a parent during your teens as I was so close to my dad at that age. Much love to you xx
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Hi Emmanna, I’m so sorry to hear of your lose. I can’t relate as a parent but I did lose my dad when I was 9 years old to cancer. I wrote about some things that I found useful in the thread that was linked in the comments earlier but I just wanted to say that it’s so normal for children/teens to not want to talk about it. I know when we lost my dad, my brother found it so so hard to communicate his feelings because it hurt too much to talk about. Sometimes it takes time, it might just be too soon at the moment. I would just say to remind him that you’re there when ever he’s ready to talk. It’s lovely that he’s got supportive friends, I think that’s one of the most important things when you’re grieving as a child/teen because they help bring back some normality when life feels like you’ve been tipped upside down.
Sending you both love xx
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Hi @Lou1702 thank you so much for sharing your own experience. It’s very helpful. Much love x
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@Emmanna you are so right about grieving for our children’s loss as well as our own. Over the years I have found it so painful just knowing that my boys were missing out on their Dad. Our eldest son got married last year and I found it incredibly emotional. I also sobbed my way through his graduation six years ago. All the key events will always be bittersweet for us. Take care xx
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Hi Emma na,
I have a 28 yr old son who has bottled things since last Dec when my mum passed. I know he isn’t a teenager but boys and men try to bottle it all up and my way of dealing with my don is to talk about his nan .Sometimes I will talk about something funny she fid and he will join in the conversation and it’s usually me who cries first but i feel it’s good to show the pain you are in and crying is ok. I found him in the early hours if the morn about 6 MTHS after she passed holding her photo and fitting on the floor crying. It was just by chance I had got up to make a cuppa as wasn’t sleeping much. I just got a blanket and made him a cuppa and quietly left him there. He just wanted to grieve in his own way so I didn’t want to intrude when he wanted to be alone.
He struggles with showing his feelings and I just support him by keeping her memory alive with funny things she said or did
Hope this helps
Deborah x
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