Dear Pattao
That is such a good idea and one which I do try to practice when my thoughts of guilt become irrational. Take care. Sarah
Hello
You are quite right and being able to interact with everyone on this site has been such a help. Finding people who understand and are happy to talk about it. Take care. Sarah
It is reassuring to hear how many of us feel the same guilt for not being there to hold his hand and let him know he wasn’t alone, when at the end he was. I do try to think about the good times and in 46 years there have been many, but my mind insists on going back to seeing him in the last few days. Talking on here is actually very cathartic, nobody at a loss of what to say and making sympathetic noises which are well meant but I know they don’t really want to hear me blathering on about the same thing , so me feeling I should just shut up and get on with it…I am so appreciative of all your thoughts ( so like mine) and the positive understanding of this community. Thanks to everyone who has posted and I will take it all!
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So true. Take care. Sarah
you too, Sarah
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I’m so relieved somebody else is feeling like me. I’ve just come to realise today ( my husband died 8 weeks ago from cardiac arrest in my arms ) that I can’t get any memories prior to the 12 days he was ill. We had many many happy years but I can’t see anything other than the last 12 distressing days before he died. I can’t begin to describe how those 12 days were - I knew something was badly wrong but 111 , 999 and the doctors tried to tell me he had covid - he had none of the symptoms. Had they not been so intent on covid they would have seen how ill he actually was. I feel immense guilt for not pushing harder but also the fact he was at home when it happened was better for him as he would have been very distressed without us being able to see him. I feel guilt that I pushed him to eat and drink and I feel angry that I didn’t get the professional care for him he deserved. I also feel sad that I can’t get past those 12 horrific days no matter how hard I search in my mind. It’s very distressing
Hello
Poppy, I too have lovely memories but can’t keep them in my head as I keep picturing my hubby suffering and alone he died of covid 7 wks ago, he text me while in hospital saying it was hard not having me by his side and he wasn’t coping. This plays on my mind a lot.
Talk as much as you can on here, I do as it’s really hard to cope and other peoples warm comments are reassuring.
Amy x
Hi Amy,
I have been looking through the old photo albums but as soon as I close them and try to see his face my brain just goes straight back to his face at the end. I can’t believe my brain won’t let me see his face when he was well and happy. So I have now put one of my favourite photos of him (that I took) on the fridge. He is looking straight at me with love in his eyes and a such a big smile, I am going to see it every time I go in the kitchen and am trying to keep it in my head . You will excuse me if I tell you I kissed him good morning. We apparently all have the same experiences and that is good to know, we’re not losing our minds, they are just on hold.
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That must have been absolutely awful but you mustn’t beat yourself up about doing the things you did as trying to make him eat and drink were just you taking care of him. Try to take some comfort from the fact that you were with him.
Poppi
I get up every morning and say morning baby to his ashes because that’s what I always said when he got up in the morning .
It just makes me happier . I just wished he could say it back 
.
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@poppi I couldn’t erase the image of finding my partner unexpectedly dead, and still can’t, but like you I have put a lovely photo up. I talk to it, apologise to it, moan at it, ask why this had to happen, and tell it stupid things I have done, which we would have had a laugh about in the days when we were together. It helps in a way. They say mad with grief. It is madness! Don’t think I will ever feel sane again.
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I kiss my hubby’s photo every morning and every night before I go to bed, and also at other times of the day when I’m passing it, it’s right outside my bedroom door on the bookshelf, I also have lots more photos of him and me dotted around the house. I’m sorry you lost your husband too, a few of my facebook friends have lost theirs too during this last year . take care xx
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so glad to hear I am not the only one talking to my hubby 's photo, I do think having photos around helps, they actually keep me in the present, I can’t pretend he is still here as they are a reminder that he is not, if he was then I wouldn’t need to be talking to a picture. I still pretend sometimes though when I go in the kitchen first thing , that he is there already, to give me a kiss and a big hug. He was the Best Hugger, I miss that the most,
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Photos are so important. To see my husband every day cheers me up. I am having a colonoscopy tomorrow and if only he was here to give me one of his big hugs to reassure me like he always did. Another hurdle to overcome not having him waiting for me. So nice to speak to people here who can relate to experiences. Take care.
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@Sarah6 good luck tomorrow with your procedure. Make sure you have a restful day afterwards. It is an ok procedure, but you will probably feel a bit sorry for yourself and drained afterwards. I had to choose new spectacles not long after my partner died, and I so struggled in the opticians choosing frames as I was on my own. We used to do that together. The poor lad serving me looked terrified when I started crying. I don’t know if what I chose look ok or not. I haven’t had my photo taken since my partner died. We just need our loved ones so much, and miss their encouragement and support. I will be thinking of you.
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Good luck tomorrow. Keep calm and think of England!
Hugs, AnnR x
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I have my husbands ashes in my lounge with a little shrine. It helps me feel him near. I talk to him all the time and the room feels calm and serene. I also have a pillow in my bed with his pyjama top on. Helps me sleep a little. I cuddle it and pretend its him.
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Thank you.
Much appreciated.
I will be thinking of you and hoping it goes well.