Good. I haven’t been for a couple of weeks but a good run on the treadmill makes me feel better…temporarily x
Pat, I totally get what you mean about dignity. I would have hated the idea of the neighbours curtain twitching but as it was on holiday in my case it was other holidaymakers who I’ll never see again and I walked off outside somewhere completely out of sight. All those last times really hurt don’t they? I have been a lot more open on this site than anywhere else because it is so easy to share those innermost thoughts as other people normally share a lot of them anyway. The only things I haven’t shared are those which are simply too difficult to express and I’d rather not for my own sanity.
Shaun x
Hi Cheryl,
We all seem to have a lot of bad memories don’t we? It’ll take a while to be able to deal with them but I expect they will never completely go away but merely more controllable. We all knew these days would arrive eventually but it’s never supposed to be now and it’s never supposed to be our loved ones. The disbelief is still powerful and almost like one bit of our brain cannot function any other way.
I have been wondering how you have been getting on with wish rather than should? I’ve been trying to think that way but it’s incredible difficult especially when I truly think that she should actually be here now. 14 weeks today and still counting, a lifetime to go.
Shaun x
Shaun
Shaun also 14 weeks for me this week. Also still such disbelief. Going into hospital with what we thought a chest infection dying a week later from cancer. None of it makes sense. The thing is my dad had collapsed 5 months earlier with pneumonia and was finally diagnosed with COPD. I honestly thought mum was going to be diagnosed the same. As she had the same symptoms and needed oxygen and nebuliser like dad did. When I walked into the hospital she looked so ill. But I was still in denial. And when she couldn’t pick up her beaker with tea in it. I honestly and I feel so bad for thinking this thought“surely she’s putting that on”. As my mum bless her could be a tad drama queen sometimes. As can I. I just couldn’t believe she was that ill. I still can’t
Jooles, yeah that’s so weird, the disbelief is something I hadn’t anticipated and yet is so common for lots of us. When exactly is that going to end? Of course nobody is going to give us that answer. What you say in your post is responsible for so much of my guilt. That whole didn’t think it was that bad at the time. Perhaps we were thinking/hoping for the best? I reckon the disbelief thing happens before the end. I feel guilty for not seeing the obvious at the time thinking it was just going to be a bit of drama that a bit of oxygen and an injection would sort out before a trip to hospital. What the hell was I thinking? What an idiot.
Our lives have to go on without our loved ones.It’s a scenario I never thought I would experience.Our dearest wish is that we go together but that hardly ever happens.We were put on this earth to experience every emotion possible and most of us certainly do that but losing a much loved person surely tests those emotions.I try to stay strong but I think about things that have happened and I can’t take it all in.The love that my husband had for me was and is still so strong.
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You’re so right Jill. How are you today Jill?
Yep I get that Shaun just So much guilt. So many missed opportunities. We were all so blase about. “Ah it’s just bad back and nasty chest infection she just needs a good rest and some antibiotics” . A week before mum collapsed I was talking to her about Xmas and then booking a holiday for them to visit. No one had any idea. Not even her drs or her physio.
Hi Shaun…I’m still doing the shoulds…I cant help it!
I agree with you that my mim should still be here as well.
The counselling went well… ha ha
Thank you, Jonathan.