Really Struggling

That’s such a lovely post and good advice, Karen. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.

Hi Peter
I was really sorry to read your posts. 8 weeks ago I lost my husband who was also my best friend and Guardian Angel all rolled into one. I had 3 years to prepare myself but how does one prepare… Even on the last morning I hoped it wouldn’t happen. My husband on the other hand was well prepared, he wrote letters to be opened and left me the most precious, priceless and ultimate gift - a video message which is now my lifeline; I watch it every night. My husband was a very brave, intelligent, kind, gentle, generous, loving caring man with a great sense of humor. During the last few years he helped a lot of people on Yahoo Answers, he loved helping people. His positive attitude to his advanced cancer helped me cope and nurse him. He was in Willow Wood Hospice for the last 6 days. My family were always at my side for the first 3 weeks I’d have totally lost it if it wasn’t for them. I went back to work after 5 weeks and everybody is extremely understanding and helpful. I found myself wanting to phone home to check on my husband like I used to. I missed him calling me. I still phone home just to listen to his voice message on our home phone. Returning home from work the first day I sobbed my heart out as my husband was always there waiting for me door wide open and ready to give me a hug and ask about my day. I shout out ‘bye, love you’ as I leave the house and ‘I’m home’ when I return. Sometimes I still can’t believe I won’t be seeing him in this lifetime and it takes my breath away. It’s my husband’s birthday this coming Thursday and I know it will be extremely painful. There have been days I’ve panicked I haven’t sorted his birthday presents and a day trip like I always did and then suddenly reality smacks me in the face and I start crying all over again. I cry at the drop of a hat without any warning. I had too many what if’s, coulda woulda shoulda’s and finally with the help of my GP started counselling at the hospice. He has been extremely helpful. He asked me to take some photos in for the 3rd session. I had to talk through each photo which gave him an insight into our life and the close relationship we had. Last week he asked me to write my husband a letter and tell him how I feel. I wrote 9 pages! although couldn’t read it out loud when asked I found writing it really helpful. I talk to my husband all the time, I talk out loud when I’m at home or sometimes when I’m walking but writing the letter was very therapeutic and I didn’t cry much that afternoon. I feel I can open my heart out at the counselling sessions and cry unashamedly, something you can’t do with anyone else. My counsellor is now on holiday for 2 weeks not sure how I’ll cope especially as it’s also my husband’s birthday next week. I’ve only got another couple of sessions left and I know I will miss it once it’s all over.

Sorry I’ve rambled on a bit…
Hope you find some peace of mind.
Libby

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