Hi AnnR
How wonderful that you had 57 years together. My husband was 54 when he died and we met later in life. He’s the first name on my lips when I wake up and the last when I fall asleep. But in the middle I have to make it count for the both of us. That’s the hardest part. But he wasn’t a giver upper and neither am I! The pain is a badge of honour 
AnnR and Musician. I agree with both of you. We are lucky to have had true love and happiness. AnnR it must be very difficult for you to build a life on your own after 57 years but it is heartening to hear that you are not a giver upper. I have been on my own before for about 6 years after amicably separating from a previously good marriage of 30 years but I had 10 wonderful years with Glen who died at only 63 within 4 months of a cancer diagnosis and much quicker than expected, just over 2 months ago. At least he did not suffer much. It is us who are left to suffer the grief. Musician how long did you have together? I find this a very surreal world I am living in. I can carry on as normal and then suddenly be prolapsed by something. I need to be busy to distract myself but then get over exhausted as the grief itself drains me of energy.
Absolutely, Musician. We can’t give up as that would be such an insult to our husbands/partners… Sounds like we were lucky, some people never know that kind of love. Hugs, Ann
Judynews, we met in 2013, got married in 2015 and he died this March of a short term cancer.
Two months tells me you’re in a very raw place. It will definitely be surreal. Some lyrics in a song hit me the other day, “It feels like you’re in the movies, you bleed just to know you’re alive”. Today is 6 mths exactly for me, and I don’t think I could have gotten through this without counselling. I’ve learned so much, realised the things I’m beating myself up about are not real. And so much more.
The exhaustion is very real isn’t it!
I was always complaining that my husband was not openly romantic. One morning he brought me a cup of tea with a note that simply said " Love you". I found it again after he passed and it tore me in half. I still keep the note in a tea cup in my cupboard and look at it every time I make a drink…
If there’s a worse emotional pain than losing a spouse, I don’t know what it is. The constant reminders; his foot print is all over the house. everywhere we look, his memory is there. Whether it be something he wrote, the chair he sat in, his tool bench, his golf clubs, his favorite cooking utensils, and so much more. I’ve gotten rid of a lot because the pain was overwhelming to have it here with me. But I’ve kept some things. Basically nobody wants them, so they’re here with me. Nothing helps.I never dreamed this could hurt so much. I never dreamed I had that many tears in me.
Barb11, how long ago did you lose him?
Angiejo2, both comfort and pain?
Barb 11. You are right. I suppose losing a child may be worse. I have lost both my parents and a close friend and other close family but nothing compares to this. And yes, all the things, and my husband had a lot of them. I am gradually going through things and getting rid of things as I find it painful to have them around. The first week or so when I was in that shock zone it seemed easy, I was just doing a job, now it is more emotional and harder but I know I need to build a new life. It is what he would have wanted. But the tears are relentless and catch me unawares.
Musician. You didn’t have long but it sounds as though those years were very special. We had ten years together but I had known him as a friend for a bit longer. I find it hard to remember the good times at the moment because it reminds me of all I have lost but I look forward to the time when I am able to do that. To be able to look at all the pictures of the wonderful holiday trips we took in our motor home together and remember. At the moment it is too painful.
10 months And it feels like yesterday.
Barb11, I feel your pain. Literally. I tell myself that I’m the lucky one to be able to feel. Obviously it’s cold comfort when you’re doubled over racked with pain and sobs, but I wouldn’t trade places. I wouldn’t have my husband going through this. At least we’re going through it. We’re not blocked. That would be so much worse.
Musician. Yes I could not bear to think of Glen going through this. I know he would find it even harder than I am. He was such a gentle sensitive soul and he would not have sought out help or other people. I don’t want to be here without him but I know this is the better way round.
You’re so right Musician. I cringe at the thought of how lost my husband would have been had I gone first. Domestically, his main ability would have been cooking, as he was a chef. The rest of taking care of himself would have been a lost cause, especially financially. Although I’m learning how to do the more mechanical things he took care of, it’s still easier than what he would have been up against. Having said that, I’m still agonizing over his loss and don’t see an end to this emotional pain anytime soon.
Apart from missing him and feeling lonely and thinking of all the things we cannot do together it also breaks my heart that he has lost his future and will not be able to do all the things he had planned and see his grand children grow up.
Hi Judynews,
I so relate to that! Thankfully Tony was able to see two of them into their twenties, but our second daughter had her two a lot later, so he couldn’t enjoy them for as long. He absolutely adored them all.
When he died, the two youngest were 18 and 12. So sad he won’t see what amazing people they are becoming. They adored him too.
I try to count my blessings, but nothing can help me with accepting being without my beloved man. However, I see some of his qualities in the family, and that brings me comfort. In his way, he lives on, therefore, in our eyes, he will never truly die.j
Unfortunately it seems I am not going to be able to see my stepson and his children of 7 and 4 so I will not have that link. They live a long way away and were never welcoming. We could never stay with them but always had to find a hotel and they would never travel to to see us. It is not his son but the wife. I am now left with the care of my 92 year old mother in law, his grand mother and he won’t even answer my phone calls about her. All because his father left everything to me in his Will. He didn’t really have anything to leave as the house we lived in was mine. Any money we had was joint and there wasn’t a lot left after the funeral was paid for. He had a heavily mortgaged house which he rented out and he wanted me to have the benefit of the income from it for my lifetime. It will go to his son when I die. He did receive £35,000 from a death benefit. His father would be so hurt that he could treat me like this.
I am so sorry that all this is happening to you. It is a lot to cope with on top of losing your husband. As you say, no-one can fix you but I truly hope you find the strength to come through this. It is such a short time for you. I am 14 months in and am learning to cope, slowly. I have to accept the fact that nothing will ever be the same.