Lost my partner last Oct. As I have posted on here before I put our house up for sale. Its all gone through now and I’ve moved into a small flat in a different town. For the last 6 months I’ve been living with relatives but now, as I know many of you have been all the time, Im living on my own. It obviously had to come I couldn’t live with my relatives for ever and I thought it would be better to be on my own doing my own thing and I suppose it is but it’s taking some getting used to. I’m long since retired and whereas when she was alive and I was her carer for years I was always busy but now I’ve just got time on my hands. I’ve described my life to friends as being a mixture of sadness, loneliness and boredom. I’ve only been here a fortnight and I feel I’m not coping very well. People have suggested that I join some local groups to pass the time and meet people which I will try and do but as you all know this is really tough. I’m sure I should be feeling better about things. It’s a nice little flat in a quiet neighbourhood with nice neighbours. In many ways, apart from losing Jo, I suppose I should count myself as lucky. I promised myself that when I finally got my own place I would surround myself with photos of her which I’ve done but now I’m not so sure that was such a good idea because I look at them and it just fills me with sadness. I’m reminded all the time in so many ways that I’ve lost her so do I really need all the photos. I’m not sleeping very well hence I’m writing this at 4.30 in the morning. Sorry I haven’t rambled on here for a while I suppose I’m just feeling sorry for myself. If you’re reading this thanks for listening.
Peter it’s only 6 months ago that you lost your Jo- it’s no time at all. Look at what you’ve gone through and changed in this short time- losing her, adjusting to staying with family, moving out of your home to a different town, setting up your new home without her. It’s all exhausting and heartbreaking.
It’s just coming up to a year since my Sunny died in June 2021, of a rare lung disease aged 57. I spent the first 9 months hardly able to be in the house that we shared so many happy times together, and was driving round the country to stay with different siblings. This has helped me so much- distraction, company, a few smiles, helping in my sister’s large garden etc. But every time I spend several days back at mine, I start getting low and upset again. I have his photos up on the mantlepiece with candles which I light. I want to see the photos, and I look up at him (and speak to him) regularly. But they are also horrible reminder that he’s not here. I also think that staying with family alot has postponed some of my grief, although I wouldn’t have survived without doing it…
Like you, I’m going to be moving house too…Putting this one on the market and finding another in the county town where alot of my family are, 150 miles away, is my next massive wrench. The idea of living in a house that he and I will have no history in, is awful but I’ve got to do it. I’ve got a new job and am also just about to have a hip replacement, so there are some big challenges ahead…
I’m blathering on a bit, but I guess what I’m saying is- there’s no particular way you “should” be feeling after only 6 months. It’s no time at all and you have gone through the shock of grief and massive changes to your life. Let yourself settle in to your new home and surroundings, and then maybe start exploring some pastimes, activities or groups locally. I do think an important thing to do is to try and find our tribe- the people that you can relate to abd find some comfort with.
One of my sisters lent me her mini daschund after Sunny died, and so little Benji came to stay with me for a couple of city breaks, which he enjoyed i think. Having another heartbeat in the house, hearing his little feet padding around, him jumping onto my lap and snuggling in, saved my life to be honest, at my very lowest times. I don’t know if you have a pet, but I think they are very good for us- something to love and be loved by. I will definitely be getting myself a little doggie once I’m settled in my new home. My best friend bought me a dog lead for my birthday, as a symbol of the future, which was lovely.
Peter, don’t ever berate yourself over how you feel, or apologise to anyone. You are really in the early stages of your loss and I think you’ve done amazingly well. The loneliness and sadness is horrifying for us isn’t it? I’m so glad that I have this forum where people totally understand and I don’t have to explain the stuff I write.
After nearly a year, the only pieces of advice I’d give to anyone who’s lost a partner, husband or wife are;
Accept help- the people who actually turn up and offer help, are your life’s diamonds 
.
Have some company and distraction, even if you sometimes don’t feel like it.
Create a daily routine including some exercise, and tick the items off your list as you get them done. If you just get 2 out of 5 done some days, well done and so be it! In my first few weeks, I had to put “have a shower” on my list, and even ticking that off helped me through those first awful days of shocked emotional paralysis.
Consider bereavement counselling
Have an animal in your life
Anyway, I hope you got a bit more sleep Peter.
Have a good day today.
Sending love and warm wishes
Sophie x
Dear Sophie
Thank you so much for your long reply. Blathering it certainly wasn’t. Writing notes for yourself struck a chord with me although I don’t do that I do leave things out to remind me of something I was going to do like leaving the hoover in the hall or getting something out the cupboard to remind me what I was planning to have to eat. In the past I’ve replied to people on here telling them that I thought I was coming to terms with her loss but clearly I’m not. Things had got a little easier for me as in I didn’t seem to get quite so upset as once I did but then I moved here to be by myself and I seem to be upset more again. I think I held it together a bit more when I was living with others for their sake but now I’m alone I don’t need to do that so maybe my proper grieving process has only just begun. It’s all so complicated.
Hi im in similar situation lost my other half 2 months ago ,i was her carer for last 6 weeks of her life .our relationship was rocky at times but we depended on each other especially in last 5 years. I miss her terribly, but her memory is tainted because of things i have found out in revent weeks, i and a female freind realised my partner was bipolar she would have manic highs and depressive lows. I had trouble coping with her lows, but the highs were something else she would put her self in dangerous situations. I discovered sge was having having on off relations with other men . But was never overly discreet. Some people new , but nobody told me until recently. They felt sorry for me ,i would do evetything to help her , helped keep her job by covering for her, we worked at same place .i also realise with bipolar she could not help it. Part of the illness, she had ,had treatment for it as a young teenager and was given lithium for it. But her mother must have stopped it ,she must have known, what her daughter was like over the years. I am having trouble comjng tovterms with that, as well as her death. Our flat was akways nice and i have kept it the same ,but now i just want to move, away from here, to devon where i have some family, it was something we planned to do. Think my partner had settled down a bit its the actual movibg will be difficult its a housing trust flat and i am trying to swap, but i need it to happen sooner rather than originally planned. Im so lost and in despair at times ,last week [method removed by Online Community Manager as it breaks our Community Guidelines] but stopped in time .but am still very low.
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If you feel in despair please call the Samaritans. Also please make an appointment with your GP.
I work with people with mental illness and I know, as you do, that bipolar disorder can be very debilitating and severe, and the person’s behaviours and judgement can be badly affected. Bipolar also has a massive impact on families and loved ones.
I have benefitted from Sye Ryder bereavement counselling and I’d say please do consider this or Cruse bereavement counselling. It can be helpful in making sense of your conflicting feelings about your partner and finding a new meaning for your life.
With love
Sophie x
Hi @Dipstick, I’m Seaneen, the Online Community Manager. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your partner - it sounds as though things are so raw and that you’ve had some complex and distressing things to cope with. I am glad you have found our community, and I hope the support here helps.
I’ve sent you a private message with some sources of support you might want to explore. As @Sophie26 says, please do consider speaking to your GP if you’re finding these feelings to be overwhelming. Sometimes taking that step to talk to someone can feel scary. As she mentions, we also offer free counselling, which is there for you whenever you feel ready.
If you feel at risk of harming yourself again, please call 999 or go to the nearest A&E - you deserve help and support.
Take care,
Seaneen