Struggling to come to terms with loss of my Mum

[MrsRL]

Hi P0rtavadie, thank you for your lovely message. I hope you had a lovely family meal today. We are already in tier 4 here so we can only see my Dad who is in our bubble. We were meant to be seeing my in laws boxing day but we’re not allowed now. It is confusing for my son at times I think, but he understands to a certain extent. We will see my Dad tomorrow at his and then I think he is coming to us on Boxing Day.

I lost my Mum 9 months ago too on the 22nd. I know what you mean, it is horrible not buying a card or presents. I found it very hard buying a Dad card and not Mum & Dad, but having to buy my in laws one saying that was hard too. I have always loved choosing presents for my Mum, we had similar tastes and hobbies etc so it has been hard. I don’t think time will ever fully heal, I know that sounds pessimistic, but I think with time I will learn to live with the pain but it will never go away. I’ve actually found it harder as time has gone on, not easier. My Mum didn’t really get a proper send off either like yours, but I just can’t see it happening now which is a real shame. It’s impossible to plan things at the moment, as we just don’t know what will happen. I’m dreading March anyway as I lost my Mum on Mother’s Day and her birthday is March too, so I just know it will be so hard. Even harder than now I’m sure you feel the same.

You are right and it does help having a little one around to get in the festive mood and take my mind off things. He definitely helps me get through in general. I just want to make my Mum proud now and give him the great childhood I had myself.

Thank you so much for talking to me too and I’m so glad it has helped you. The same goes to you, reach out if you need to. Take care and Merry Christmas xx

[P0rtavadie]

Hello MrsRL how are you doing? So sorry I haven’t been in touch, its been a strange New Year hasn’t it?

Been thinking about you as we are approaching our Mum’s 1st anniversary in a couple of weeks and wondered how you were feeling about it all, the ‘last’ of the firsts? Xx

[MrsRL]

Hi P0rtavadie,

Sorry I didn’t see your message sooner. Thank you for thinking of me.

I found Mother’s day hard, the build up for it was really difficult for me and yesterday I managed to hold it together for my son and Dad but today I’m really struggling again. How did you find it?

I’m struggling coming up to the first anniversary of losing Mum, especially as her birthday is 2 days before as well. Everyone seems to have stopped acknowledging it all and expecting me to be fine. I feel very alone in my grief.

How are you doing? Are you coping OK? Do you have any support?

Lately I have been considering counselling as I feel it would help me to have somewhere to talk freely without judgement.

I hope you’re OK xx

[P0rtavadie]

Hello Mrs RL,

Thanks for your lovely reply. Yesterday must have been hard for you as it was your Mum’s birthday and tomorrow will be especially hard to bear. My Mums anniversary is on Weds 24th.

Mother’s Day for me went by in a blur really as we just completed on a house so last weekend was the start of the renovation works, so was kept very busy with the start of that. I always find mother’s day particularly emotional as I am not a Mum myself as we couldn’t have any children (had 6 miscarriages), so with it being first without my Mum too it was doubly painful. I am glad that you have your little one to keep you occupied, children have a way of keeping you in the moment, just totally in their world, for a big part of the time anyway.

I had a big meltdown yesterday, totally out of the blue. Haven’t cried in front of my husband for a few months, we were just discussing our bathroom layout, having a break from all the work, and literally mid sentence I thought this is wrong talking about nice things when inside I feel like I am dying, and these huge sobs just came. Took my husband by surprise too.

I thought what you said in your message hit the nail on the head. It does feel that nobody mentions your Mum, or acknowledges you must still be grieving, and you do feel totally alone in your grief. I don’t think people believe we have gotten over it or come to terms with it, I think they don’t know what to say or are scared of bringing it up in case you are having a good day and then it might upset you. I for one would much rather they said something just so at least know they haven’t forgotten your life has been changed forever.

Does that make sense? At least with lockdown edging towards being lifted, we can finally plan my Mums memorial tea and scatter her ashes, have you thought about something like that for your Mum?

Thinking of you, wishing us both the strength to get through the coming days xxx

[MrsRL]

Hi P0rtavadie,

Thank you for your lovely message too. Yesterday was very hard, I was very upset and even more so that not one person in my life acknowledged it (other than my Dad). My Mother in law even messaged but did not once mention it, just wanted to know something mundane about Easter! I find grief is a very lonely journey! I would expect some people to at least acknowledge it though and say something.

That is great you have completed on a house, have you moved far? I hope the renovations are keeping you busy. Is there a lot that needs doing?

I’m really not a fan of Mother’s day or days like it, it is definitely one of those days that shoves it in your face if you are without a Mum, lost a child, unable to have children etc. I lost count of the number of adverts I saw and emails I had. I’m so sorry you had to go through the devastation of having miscarriages. It is heartbreaking. I can’t begin to imagine how hard it was. I do understand the pain of infertility, we can’t have children naturally and my son was the result of a second round of IVF after several years of trying for a baby. He will likely be our only one. My Mum had several miscarriages and a still birth before me, so I grew up understanding about the heartache. Mother’s day is definitely not going to be a good day for me again though. Yes children do have a way of keeping you in the moment, he never stops so does keep me busy. I do sometimes feel like I still haven’t grieved properly though as I spend so much time acting like I’m ok.

I’m sorry you had a big meltdown, I hope it helped in a way to get it out and talk to your husband? Is he a good support? I’m sorry to say mine is clueless at times, he still has both parents so I don’t feel like he understands anyway and I tend to bottle it all up, so I guess that doesn’t help.

I agree, people don’t seem to mention it for fear of upsetting us. What they don’t understand is they’re not reminding us, we already know what we have lost and we’re upset anyway! I feel the same, I would rather they acknowledged it all. I find it hard to bring it up in conversation sometimes too, so it would be nice if they asked and mentioned our Mums, since they were a big part of our lives.

I’m glad you will be able to have a memorial tea in your Mum’s memory and scatter her ashes. Are you scattering them locally or at a special place in particular? We’re not planning a get together I don’t think. We’re currently trying to sort a headstone for her grave at the moment (we had her ashes interred). I bought a rose for my garden in Mum’s memory called Mum in a Million and a little plaque, I also got my Dad a rememberance rose and plaque for his.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow and know how hard it will be. I hope you find the strength to get through the day. I hope you are OK and do take care xx

[MrsRL]

Hi P0rtvadie, I just thought I would message and see how you are doing now? I hope you are OK x

[P0rtavadie]

Hello MrsRL it’s so good to hear from you. I am doing reasonably OK, how about you? How is the little one? Have been in my new job a year now. I can’t believe we are coming up to our 2 Yr anniversaries, how have you been with everything?

[MrsRL]

@P0rtvadie so sorry I haven’t responded sooner. I hope you are ok, especially with Mother’s Day getting closer. I am doing ok, but still have days when I struggle. Today would have been my Mum’s birthday and she died on 22nd March, then it is Mother’s Day next Sunday, so it is a difficult time, as you know, as it’s the same for you I’m sure.

Wow, that is great with your job. Are enjoying it? My little one is fine thank you, keeping me on my toes. I can’t believe he will start school in September. Time is flying by at times. I can’t believe it is coming up to 2 years either, in a way it doesn’t seem possible. I still think about and miss my Mum everyday. I had a health scare myself in January and I really struggled without my Mum, all is well now though thankfully. I hope you are ok. Take care x