Hi Roz
Thank you for your advice.It’s helpful to hear from those who have walked this path before me.Left to my own speed i would definitely take my time over making decisions but sometimes other factors ie siblings have to ,rightly, be considered as well.I am just dreading this long dark Winter that is coming and as for Christmas,well that is definitely cancelled this year…I know that i won’t ever get over Mum’s passing but hopefully in time i will comes to terms with it.take care and best wishes.
1 Like
That’s beautiful jooles. I see such lovely photos of cornwall and yet I’ve never been x
Dear Alan,
Your message rang so true with me, especially the part about losing your best friend. I lost my mum in an accident in March, and she and I were very close. Some small things have helped me a lot – first of all, going out for a walk every day. Walking helps me breathe and makes me feel like I’m doing something positive (and I like looking at flowers and trees and saying hello to neighbourhood cats). Secondly, I do everything I can to remember my mum – I think about her, re-read her old letters and emails, look at pictures of her, read entries in my diaries, and do things that remind me of her, for example making her favourite foods. I’m keeping her alive in every way I can. I’ve even begun making a list of things she used to say, and writing down a history of her life. I’ve been emailing her brother to find out more about her life as a child. Keeping her in my thoughts and actions makes me feel she’s still with me. I know she’ll always live in me for the rest of my life. I can still hear her voice in my head, so we’re still close.
Dear Felixthe Cat
Sorry to hear that you lost your Mum in March.Life isn’t the same without your Mum in it is it ?? I, also get myself out of the house every day but i just find that nothing is the same without Mum next to me (actually in latter months Mum would be in front of me as i would push Mum in a wheelchair because of her total lack of balance).I just can’t seem to find any reason for being at this moment in time.I know that Mum would not want me to be feeling like this but that is exactly how i feel,i can’t help it.A lot of people that i meet now don’t mention Mum anymore and i get annoyed inside that the world has moved on and seems to have forgotten about my Mum.I know that this is totally unreasonable of me but that is how i feel.I want to talk about Mum all of the time.I do talk TO her all of the time.People are going to start thinking that i am losing the plot but who cares.I don’t like or enjoy this “new” life without Mum in it but i have no choice other than try to accept it.I just hope that in time things will improve.take care.best wishes.Alan.
i hope you are as OK as you can be Alan. I really don’t think I’ve got the emotional reserves anymore and the mental scars from this will be horrific. Maybe I’d have been better equipped for mums illness if I hadn’t previously just lost my Husband but things happen don’t they. Take care of yourself and thanks again for replying.
It’s draining, isn’t it, Tina? You lost your dear husband and now you are having to do it again. If you had your husband here, you’d also have his support, but sadly you don’t.
You were up early, I hope you’re managing to sleep ok. Please remember that whenever you’re having a bad day, and just need to let it off your chest, we are here for you.
Dear FelixtheCat,
Wow, thank you for this. Great ideas, especially writing down what my mum used to say. My mum’s flat is also every inch going to remain hers, so when I live in it I will feel closer to her.
Alistair
I’m so glad I found this place, it brings such comfort knowing I’m really not alone with the feelings I am feeling. I guess grief really is a rollercoaster we all have to ride, there’s no getting off early, you have to ride it the whole way…
1 Like
It is now just over 20 weeks since Mum passed away and instead of things getting better i seem to have hit an all time low.I know that it is because i now find myself in the situation of having to sort through Mum’s stuff .I hate doing it and it just doesn’t feel right.I am not going to go into details but the house where i lived with Mum will have to be sold next year so i have no choice other than to clear out a lot of items.It feels like the life that i shared with Mum is slowly being taken apart piece by piece.Every item that i take to the charity shop or that i sell is another part of our life together gone.I spent the whole of yesterday in tears and today has started off the same.I just feel so lost and that i am no longer in control of my life.
Dear Alan,
This is a huge one: house clearance. It’s the reason I made my first post on this website, and something I’ve found really hard to deal with. It’s enormous.
I always knew I’d have to clear our family home one day, and I dreaded the thought of it. I used to think about it over the past few years and the thought would be enough to make me cry. My mum and I had a very close mother-daughter relationship and she wanted me to ‘take care of things’ after she passed away. She lived alone in our family home and kept EVERYTHING! Baby clothes, toys, dolls, birthday cards, school reports, a vinyl record collection – everything (and several horses). Our house contains over 80 years of irreplaceable memories.
Then my mum died in an accident and I wasn’t able to get to her. I live in the UK and she died in Australia (outside with her horses). In one way I’ve been ‘spared’ the distress of clearing our house, but in another way I think it’s an important part of the grieving process.
Mum would’ve absolutely hated having a stranger going through her things, yet that’s what’s happening now. The house is being cleared by a lawyer and will be sold soon. I’ll never see it again.
If I were in your place, I’d take my time with your mum’s belongings. Keep the things you want to keep and take lots of photos. I find that photos help. They should trigger the same memories as the things themselves.
I wish I could see my home once more, and I wish I could carry out my mum’s wishes of taking care of things. Although it would be extremely upsetting, I think it’s also a kind of privilege and an act of love to be the one to do it.
I wish you courage and strength.
Morning Alan,
I want you to know, that what your feeling is justified and OK. This is a hard point, another ‘tick’ on the list if you like, it seems so impersonal doesn’t it? Its just hit 16 weeks for me, and it’s as painful as it ever was, if not worse. I have no words of wisdom that is ever going to make this OK, or hurt less, but please know that your not alone. These hurdles, are ones we must face… If only i could take that advice as easily as i give it. Try and remember that no matter what you get rid of, nothing or nobody will ever take away the memories associated with them, and these ‘things’ are just that, they are things. Them memories are engraved deep in our brains and hearts and nothing will ever remove them. I’ve had to tell myself this alot while sorting through mum’s things, i’m not going to lie to you and say it helps, it doesnt help the pain, but it gives me the kick i need to get on with it i guess… I’ve got a box where i am collecting things i really want to hold onto - a memory box i guess.
Please remember that whilst you may not feel in control of your life, you are in full control - this is your life, and whilst you maybe cannot control what is going to happen with the property, you can control what comes next - by trying to face it, head on.
I’m here - just a message a way. x
Thank you for your kind words and message of support.I have always lived with Mum and like you we did everything together.We had years of fun attending various antique fairs,auctions and car boots.The result of this though is that there are so many “treasures” for me to deal with that i am finding it over whelming.I just don’t know where to start with it all.If i had my way i would keep it all but i have to face the fact that sadly i can’t.It is breaking my heart to “dismantle” our various collections.It feels that i am being disloyal (although i know that i am not.and i know that Mum would understand why i am doing what i am doing).I can still picture the excitement on Mum’s face when she found a new “treasure”.It was a joy to see but now it just upsets me that i will no longer see that huge grin on Mum’s face (apart from in my head).I would give anything to have Mum and my old life back.I don’t like this one without Mum in it.
Thank you for your reply Shen.You are right in the fact that it is so much easier to give advice that what it is to take it.I also agree with you in so much as that it feels like it is getting worse instead of better.I sometimes wonder how much longer i can go on feeling like this.I know that Mum wouldn’t want me feeling like this but how do you stop it ???
You’ve hit the nail on the head within your comment, your mum would understand, you know that - enough to type it out on here to me, so try and hold onto that, tightly. She would understand.
What would she say to you - right now? If she could see the turmoil your in, the hard time your giving yourself? What advice would she give.
When I’m spiralling out, I often close my eyes and listen for mums words of advice, and although she’s not here to speak them herself, I hold them tightly, and try and use them the way I would if she was still here.
If my mum was here, she’d tell me, this is just stuff, she’d laugh and me crying over her belongings, she’d tell me I was daft to hold onto that jacket because it still smells of her. I know that, I can hear her saying it, does that help? Not much, but I’m hopeful if I tell myself enough, one day it will…
You can’t - don’t try. You’ve got to live through it. This is a completely normal part of the process. So I’m told!!!
I keep telling myself all the right answers but you know the problem…they don’t sink in.I seem to keep on torturing myself.I too,like you,have kept an item of Mum’s clothing because i can still smell Mum on it (in good way),It is the pyjama jacket that Mum was wearing the day that she got taken into hospital.I don’t think that i can ever bring myself to wash it.
I read something that made me think…I can’t remember it word for word but it was along the lines of this… i am scared to stop grieving for you because that is the only link that i have with you now so if i stop grieving then i lose you completely.It made me stop and think and i wonder if there is some truth in it ?? The thought of living another 10,20 or 30 years feeling like this doesn’t appeal to me.If i am honest i just want to be with Mum.I just can’t find any reason for me being here now.I feel that i lost my reason for being when Mum passed away.I think that somebody would have to have been a full time carer to understand this.And yes i know that Mum would hate to hear me saying this but it is how i feel.I just miss her so much that i can’t comprehend a life without her in it.I can only hope that this feeling will change given time as people keep on telling me it will.
Dear @Alan60, I am so sorry you’re still struggling so much. I know what you mean when you say your mum wouldn’t want this - my dad would absolutely hate to see what my life is like, he told me so many times that after he dies I must move on with my life, but it is so much easier said than done, isn’t it? How can we move on when we love them so much and nothing makes sense without them.
You’re a good guy, Alan, one of the kindest souls I have seen here. I hope and pray life gets better for you.
I understand, completely and deeply. I wish I could tell you the answers, but I can’t… I don’t want to live in a world without her in it. And after throwing my self into caring for her 24/7 for nearly 2 years, now she is gone, I’m left wondering where my purpose in life is… nothing feels right, nothing.
I wish I could give you a big hug, and make this ok. But know that this world is a better place with you in it. It really is.
Thank you for your kind words Abdullah.I thought that i was doing ok (ish) but it then it really came back and hit me hard.I definitely believe that having to sort through Mum’s possessions has made me like this.Even as i am sorting through her items i am apologising to her.I just really don’t want to be doing this.I just want my old life back with Mum in it.I have never felt so miserable and so alone.
I know exactly how you are feeling Shan I gave up work and was Mums carer for 3 1/2 years.It was full on 24/7 as you say but i would give anything to be doing that again.Like you,i feel that i have lost my best friend,my reason for being and quite honestly my whole life.I just feel so lost and alone.
It’s my birthday later on this month and i am dreading it as it will be the first one without Mum here.A friend kindly offered to celebrate it with me but i politely explained that i don’t feel like celebrating .I feel like birthdays and Christmas are now a thing of the past.