Dear Scot and Sister2
I want to thank you both for your words of encouragement.
I’m a 57 year old male who has been off work since my beloved Sharon was admitted to hospital…Back in late August.
She had treatment at the Royal infirmary Glasgow before going to the Beatson Glasgow…
She was very poorly and had multiple infections which made chemo a danger to her… Eventually she came back home to die in September…she had a fairly good couple of weeks before they had to increase meds for pain…this was a very difficult time as she became so confused.
It didn’t take long before she succumbed to the Cancer.
Like all of you I’m devastated and lost but it’s lovely to have people on this site sharing their own stories and being so supportive to others…
I went for Xmas dinner with my work colleagues and service users… I’m a support worker…but I felt I was just putting on a brave face…I was relieved when it was over as I knew I was going to drive to the Beatson hospital as I somehow wanted to be near Sharon…even though I know she’s not there…I actually entered the hospital and took the steps up to the floor where her ward was…of course I didn’t go in but I had some nice memories…sitting and watching TV with her…Of course I cried when I was leaving the hospital grounds and I thought…why am I doing this?
Anyway…thought I’d share this…
Love and best wishes…Steve…xxx
You did really well Steve (Peanut)
You got through both days by doing what u felt was right for you.
Honouring her spirit on her birthday is amazing.
Getting through yesterday and visiting a place u felt close to her, was again, amazing and brave.
These little steps all add up. Bringing us close to the people we’ve lost by giving us a mechanism, either temporary or permanent, to be close to them but also help us with the grief.
Healing, moving on aren’t the right terms for grief. U learn to accept that ur life is different and that person isn’t in it. 25 years have passed since losing my dad to a massive heart attack and 20 have passed from losing my mum to cancer. My mum would have been 75 today. So many years, but you still miss them. It’s over for another 12 months. The first birthday and Christmas have passed without Mrs F. Only the first new year and anniversary to go. Firsts are always hardest.
Be kind to yourselves.
Love to you all.
Well done Steve/Peanut, You found a way to get through Christmas. You were so brave to return to the hospital, I know it took a lot of strength , but as you said there were some “nice” memories.
For me, I still cannot even drive by the hospital where my beloved Sister died. 
She was only there through the night, but it was a night that started out with hope, and ended in terror.
Be proud of yourself for dealing with two very painful events(Sharon’s birthday & Christmas) in your own way, Now we must face the New Year, another hurdle. It helps not to project too far ahead.
Take gentle care. Xxx Sister2
Sister2
Just to say… thank you…with people like you out there, makes things that little bit easier…
Lots of love…xxx
How nice of you to say that Peanut. If my words can touch just one person, then it helps me as well. We lift each other.
Here for you any time. Xxx
Dear Sister2
Really struggling…not stopped crying since last Sunday…feel as if each day gets worse…
Visited one of her last places we went to, when Sharon had got home…such a shame as it was the only time she ever made it outside…I hope I’m not a burden getting in contact with you
Best.
Xxx
Hi, never think you are a burden, we all understand and this is where you can come to say what you want to and if it helps or someone can offer you understanding then that is what this forum is all about.
I have cried pretty well every day for over a year now since my husband died and accept this as part of my life now. Nothing unusual now if I want to cry. It’s a tribute to our loved ones. I want to remember him and if I cry then I am never going to forget. You will struggle at times, I am not going to say you won’t but eventually you learn to live with your grief. I lead a busy enough life and can now talk to people quite happily but that doesn’t mean I forget. Someone once said on this forum that you learn to live around the grief and I think that’s a good description. Keep with the forum there is always someone out there to help.
Best wishes
Pat xxx
Thanks Pat…xxx
Peanut, A “burden?” certainly not. I am on this site not only for myself, but to be of some help to others, in any small way I can. I know the pain of visiting places you were together before she died. I still see my sister sitting next to me at the cinema. People think I am crying at the movie, but I am in tears because my sister is no longer there.
We must let the tears flow, and allow whatever feelings may arise. We need these outlets for our grief.
Talking with the “right” people also helps immensely. “Grief shared is grief diminished.”
Contact me any time, I, along with the lovely other grievers here, will listen and support you.
I wish you comforting memories of your beloved Sharon. Your love for her is inspirational.
Xxx Sister2
Hello Sister 2
Always lovely to hear from you…You’re so right about sharing grief with the right people…which you and others on this site provides…
I’ve had a wee bit of relief from crying today… but as you say…that can be fine too as I talk to her everyday as if she’s by my side.
Did a wee bit of clothes shopping for myself today…Could see Sharon choosing things for me…Anyway…thanks for your support…sending hugs…xxx
Isn’t it so different now, when we do the day to day tasks? Shopping, going for coffee, just about anything reminds us of our loved one, and how much we want them with us again, to share in whatever we do. I imagine it was bittersweet, remembering Sharon choosing things for you. Keep talking to her, I do the same with my sister. They are always with us, we must believe that.
Xxx 
Sister2
That picture is so powerful. I so closely identify how grief weighs us down. Thank you for sharing.
That is the one.
I’ve always been a big person. Nearly 6 foot and 20 stone, so never felt light.
I lost my parents quite young, so my pebbles were in my pockets from my late teens. Losing Mrs F this year has made it so heavy.
Sometimes just putting my coat on feels really heavy.
I know going to work, seeing people and doing things are all good for me. Staying in bed alone with my thoughts is generally not good, but carrying it around is exhausting.
If my best friend hadn’t come to the funeral with me, I think I would have been in this shape all day.
I could hardly breathe, my chest hurt so much. Even outside I couldn’t get my breath. Then the hugs from people I didn’t know. Wiping g my eyes until they were red, blowing my nose. Crying isn’t pretty. Trying to walk back to the car. My legs didn’t want to work.
I never touched a coffin. Not my grandparents or my parents. I knew they were there. I couldn’t get it in to my head that she was actually gone, that she wasn’t going to just appear and tell me how daft I was being. I made myself touch that horrid box. I still think I see her in town. A tiny little lady with white wispy hair and glasses. I look again and of course it’s not her.
It’s been 7 months. I don’t know what to do anymore. She’d be mortified if she knew I was in this mess. I know she was almost 80, but I expected a few more years. She had her heart op, she was still driving, so why then? It’s going to be a new year soon. I don’t want to take all these pebbles with me in to it, but I don’t think I have a choice.
I hope everyone’s pebbles lessen soon.
Fingers crossed for a brighter 2020.
Hi jojo,
I sympathise with you and completely understand how you feel. My lovely 74 year old mum died 6 and a half months ago and I’m completely lost without her. I go to Tesco’s and think I see her as I turn the aisle.
I still head her voice clear as day and wonder if I dreamed this all?
I’ve got no advice I just wanted you to know you arent alone.
Cheryl
Thank you Cheryl
Thank you everyone on here.
I don’t know any of you, but you are all amazing.
There are so many things said about being strong.
I’ve tried to be strong. I’ve handled depression and anxiety for years. I’ve tried to be there for my friends and my sister. I got myself in to debt and eventually worked my way out of it. I even passed my driving test when I was 38 because I finally felt ready.
I’m tired of being strong. It’s exhausting plastering on that face and when people ask if you’re OK, you just say yes, because it’s easier. I feel like I could sleep for days, but then I don’t (hence posting this after 1 am on a work night) I try to be a good friend but sometimes even a text is hard work, when all you want to do is kick and scream and beat your fists on the floor. Being strong sucks, but I don’t like the idea of the alternative.
Everyone on here is strong, because we are talking to each other, sharing and letting each other know what we feel, even if we don’t feel strong at the moment.
Thank you
Jojo1
What an inspiring message of hope…
I too try to doy best and also put on a face…
You’re right…sometimes easier to say am okay…I suppose it depends who you’re talking too…
This site has so many wonderful people on it…
I look to the messages for strength to get me through another day…
Love to all…
Steve.
Xxx
Thank you Steve
I never thought of my rants as, in any way, inspiring.
Maybe when we’re all facing the battle each day together, we help each other.
There was a really bad romcom years ago. The object of my affection, I think it was called. Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston. In it they took dance classes, and one line has stayed with me. If I remember it right now, “Head up young person”
Can say alot with only 4 words.
Be brave, be strong, look to the future, take responsibility, I care about you, I’m proud of you, you can do anything.
Head up young person - stupid, but thinking that line sometimes helps. It makes me physically look up from the floor. Sometimes then you get a smile from a colleague or you notice it’s raining or that it’s stopped, or you might see the sky turning pink on an evening.
Weird what tiny things can sometimes help.
x
Hi everyone
This is just a short messages to say…you are all in my thoughts…
Keep up the rants jojo1!
Steve x