It’s so hard isn’t it. Everything is a reminder, even just the mundane things and routines of life; getting up in the morning and just making coffee for me, or not having that person that would be the first person I spoke to every day and last thing at night. It destroys you when you think about it too much.
I’ve been trying to do something every day to get out and about or to have something to work towards, whether it’s coffee with a friend or colleague, or just a supermarket trip. Those are really hard, standing getting upset because I’ll never have to consider what he might fancy or what we might cook together. It’s the little everyday things that seem to get to me most. There’s still washing sitting waiting to be put away that I don’t know what to do with right now. Putting it away and going through his clothes just feels too much, so it can sit on the kitchen table for another few days.
I spent the day with his siblings yesterday which was really nice. It felt good to share with them and to reminisce. But it also felt wrong being in another city that he and I used to go to regularly ourselves. Being there without him, travelling away from our home city for the first time was hard. I cried quite a bit yesterday just walking about in the sun feeling overwhelmed at the realisation that we’ll never go places again. I knew we wouldn’t, but just going two and a half hours without him, passing places we had eaten, seen shows and theatre performances, shops and hotels we had been in, was hugely difficult.
I feel so alone and can’t get used to him not being there whenever I’m at home. It’s just wrong. I text him telling him what I’ve done that day, or what I’m doing, trying to feel like he’s still there, but I also text him telling me how much I can’t wait to be with him again. I really hope that one day that’s what we all get again.
Thank you for your support. It really helps just knowing others are feeling the same and that every hour and day we all get through is a victory and should be celebrated.
Hi G1983
How are you doing? Just thinking about you and I hope you are managing to get through each day one at a time. That is the only thing you can do!
I have family stuff I’m still sorting out and that is keeping me busy, I cry every day and today it has been 15 weeks since I lost Stewart my love my life my world.
It’s so hard!!
If you need a chat please message. Hugs x
@R0yst0n Hi. Thank you for checking in, that’s so kind.
We got post mortem results yesterday, so at least we can begin to arrange things and start to move on with things for the next stage. It was actually his birthday yesterday, so it was quite an emotional day. At least we now know that whilst it was sudden, he didn’t suffer and just went in his sleep.
I’m sure today is a hard day for you. It’s so painful continuing without them, and I hate the idea that these days are what lie ahead forever more now.
’m trying to keep going, focusing on the moment and not thinking too much about the future, since that is just too hard to acknowledge right now. It feels like I’m just pushing myself to get through the day, going through the motions of living, but it’s really just existing now. I feel like my spirit died a little with him. I turn 40 in October and just feel like from now on I’m going to just shuffle about between work and the house and not do much else. I’ve not gone back to work yet (I’m a teacher), it’s only three and a half weeks, so it’s early, and they’ve been wonderfully supportive, but I don’t want to leave it until after the summer holidays, or else it’ll turn into a huge hurdle in my head. We’ve only two weeks of term left after this week, but the funeral will be in amongst that somewhere, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to with timings really.
I’ve been seeing friends for coffee or a walk most days, which keeps me going and gives me a purpose to get up each day, but at the end of the day I just feel so sad returning home and shutting the door to an empty house. I feel a bit angry that he’s left me and that I’ve got years of this to go still. But I’m full of love for him and the memories of the 17 years we had together.
I’m very much holding onto the idea that one day we’ll be together again and each day I must admit I go to bed thinking that if I went in my sleep like he did, it wouldn’t be a bad thing. I want to hold him again and tell him how much I love him so much. You never feel you do it often enough until you can’t ever again. Everyone should tell people far more often.
Sending lots of hugs to you today, and every day going forward. X
Hi. I totally get everything you have said. It is 3 months today since I lost my partner. As you say I too do all the suggested activities but I hate the way we have to make a conscious effort to live life (if we can call it that) when before it happened effortlessly. I find I’m blocking the thoughts out more because it is too painful. I know that’s probably not good to do but it’s the only way to get through the day. I am 60, so older than you and also think, this is probably my life now until my time comes.
One glimmer of hope today, I had to go to London for work and when I came out of Westminster tube, there was Big Ben gleaming in the sunlight. It was the first “wow” moment in 3 months. But then I miss not being able to share my day with someone who actually cares. Let’s hope one day we will feel better about life, but until then we can support each other. Take care x
G1983
About 5 weeks ago I had a major melt down and reached out to people because I didn’t want to be here. I was rock bottom and couldn’t see any point of life or existence without my beloved man.
I swear that in that same night I was woken up with a big hug and a massive kiss from Stewart.
I was awake as he held me strong and kissed my lips. Honestly please believe me as this changed my whole way forward. It was real as I was awake!
Take comfort from that because it happened xx Massive hugs xx
@Tiffany I hope today has been as manageable as it can be.
You’ve put it perfectly. The day used to just happen without any effort. It just took place. Now everything needs effort. And convincing myself to keep going.
Today I’ve done very little. Maybe that’s what I needed. I haven’t been out, even though it’s the nicest day so far this week weather-wise. I did manage to put all his washing away, which I had been putting off for three weeks now. I’ve actually stolen a lot of things because it brings comfort knowing I’m wearing his things. I sit wearing hoodies or jumpers, even though it’s really warm.
I’ve had a few people text and ask how I’m doing today, but they’ve not got particularly detailed replies today. Normally I like to text long messages to distract myself. I feel today I’ve let myself wallow and have cried a lot more. Normally I keep trying to just “keep going” and out on a brave face. Yesterday I got quite upset with a friend whilst out for coffee. That hasn’t happened before. Maybe it’s just the time moving on and it becoming more emotional.
I do look forward to going places one day and being able to think more happily about the time when we did that sort of thing, but as you say, the idea that he’s not there sharing those lovely moments will be hard once I get there.
Thanks for messaging, particularly on what must be a hard day for you. I often wonder how you’re doing. You were so kind to message when I first posted.
@R0yst0n oh gosh. I’m sorry you ended up feeling like that. It’s so hard some days isn’t it. I have days when I’m sad and tearful but manage to get out and about, and days like today where it feels futile and pointless attempting to do anything.
I don’t want to just sit and be maudlin. I know that this doesn’t help and that I want to try to put in a brave face and move forwards, but it just comes out of nowhere sometimes.
I spend so much time asking why I have to do this alone now. And talking to him telling him how annoyed I am that he’s left me. I text him each day. He got a few messages from me today with variations of “I’m not going to be able to do this”. I want to sleep in there again, but I get so emotional when I go into the bedroom. I can’t do it yet. But maybe I’d feel close to him again. I wish I could have a hug from him. I miss hugs so much. I’ve had lots of hugs from friends, but I can’t get my head around knowing I’ll not have a hug from him again. It destroys me knowing that the last one I gave him wasn’t given the consideration it would have got had I known it would be the last.