Hi Chel,
You are most definitely not alone. Welcome to the community, I’m so sorry to her about your story. I had been on this for for some time before actually posting for the first time and since I’ve started I’ve conversed with so many in similar situations. The individual stories may be different but there is a common theme among a lot of stories. For a lot of people, the hindsight and the guilt are all too common a theme and I’ve certainly suffered my share of guilt with the gift of hindsight. Why didn’t I act sooner given the symptoms my mum was suffering before she died? Looking back it’s obvious now but then also, even if things were done sooner as told by a lot of people on this site, the outcome may not have changed and she would have died in hospital. Doesn’t matter either way as she has gone now and there is no turning back or retrying a different scenario. I’m 46 and one thing this site has taught me is that I should see a doctor if ever there is an issue that persists out of the ordinary. I could so easily be the man you describe or the one Jill described. I think a lot of people are susceptible to avoiding the doctors or ignoring something and just getting on with it. I should especially as a family man, take care of myself and not ignore symptoms. I don’t think any of us should blame ourselves for anything our loved ones decided to do or not do. We cannot force others to seek help or always know that they are suffering in some way. We are human and what we did at the time was the right thing to do, none of us are perfect and unfortunately life can be very cruel at times. I’m trying to come to terms with what’s happened in my life and reach some sort of peace. It’s easy to be angry about or towards loved ones but now we are all in this position that will not help us. Terrible isn’t it? The finality of it and the perceived errors of the past are hard to bear. A lot of death doesn’t have to happen but at the same time is unavoidable if that makes sense?
Anyway, welcome to the forum and thank you for your story. I hope with time you are able by conversing with others to reach some sort of understanding and peace with what has happened. I never thought I’d ever be expressing myself on a forum such as this and I hate having to do it but here I am and I’ve met some lovely supporting people in the process.
No,I couldn’t have made him go to the doctors,he was too stubborn.He just kept saying"Oh I’ll be alright,don’t worry about me" but I did worry because I knew something was wrong but he didn’t have anymore problems so I let it go.
My mum had a bad back After two months she went to a dr and a physio who both told her she needed an X-ray. Another 2 months before she went for her X-ray so in total 4 months. By this time she had developed a chest infection which was very severe and masked the tumour on her lungs so the X-ray come back “clear just chest infection”. She then collapsed. And 4 days later they diagnosed metastasised cancer. She died two days after diagnosis. So many what ifs. The guilt is horrific. She was dying bit by bit at home. Dad continued to work and I live 250 miles away so didn’t visit as we were told it’s just a bad back. I was due to visit her 19th August. Well that was the day she collapsed. So I spent the week with her in hospital. But how I wish I had come back
Sooner I might have been able to spot something dad didn’t. Who knows. I saw her in June she looked fine just hobbling about with her bad back and I sent her a very stern text message and phone call telling her to “get down that bloody hospital” but she was terrified of hospitals and so delayed and delayed. She sat at home once refusing hospital saying she just pulled a muscle in her leg. When her leg swelled up and went blue she finally went into hospital. She had broken her femur. She sat like that for a week due to stubbornness
It may be a bit out of context but the word ‘logic’ came up in one post on this thread.
You can’t apply logic to emotions, especially the emotions associated with grief. Logic is for those with clear minds who can reason. Can we reason? OK, so perhaps as we move on we can a bit, but it’s not easy and trying can often makes things worse. Emotions are deep feelings from within the mind, and everyone’s experience is different.
The question of whether out loved ones know they have died is one that has no answer unless you feel it. We have talked about the ‘gift’ of seeing beyond this life. No one who experiences this can ever explain it to another, and it defeats logic. But to dismiss it as a fantasy is denying fact. (Not that anyone here has, but many do). There is a body of evidence about an afterlife that is difficult to deny. This is not Spiritualism but scientific fact. But few bother to look at it in that way even though there is a mass of evidence.
Buddhist talk about ‘what was you face before your parents were born’? Is that answerable? Where do we come from and where do we go. And more to the point who is ‘we’?
If we accept that ‘we’ is just the body then it’s final and no more to be said. But the one who has passed was a spiritual person. Mind and body? Of course, but the other important element is missing. Spirit; the embodiment of that person. The love they gave. The joy they brought about. Gone? No way!!
This may not be comforting, it depends on an individual’s view. Emotions are non transferable. None is ever the same. But I suggest before we judge we look at the evidence
Kind regards.
Hi Sean,
I only lost my son a week ago and am trying to come to terms with the fact that we will never see or hear from him again. In relation to your post, he was my eldest and very family oriented. He just finished a 3 year relationship where we used to discuss potential baby names for his babies and my 7 year old always asked to be their bridesmaid when they get married. I am so upset that he will never get to experience any of those things and that we will never see his grandchildren and will have to wait longer before becoming grandparents.
Hi Jonathan
I have mentioned logic and emotion quite a bit on these forums in a way to explain the way I feel. Your post points to a deep discussion that I could so easily enter into but maybe this isn’t the place to go down that route. I consider myself a very deep thinker almost to the point of being unhelpful. I always find your posts interesting and I have to be honest and say that I perhaps don’t think along exactly the same lines as you do. Do I think any less of you? Of course not, and it’s clear that everyone has a slightly differing point of view and everyone is perfectly entitled to think what they do. I enjoy listening to all points of view. I’m not claiming my way is any more correct that anyone else. I do have a great appreciation for the amazing ability and complexity of the brain which I scarcely understand and I think it has control over us rather than the other way around. It has been proven that your decisions are made before you are even aware that you’ve decided something! My life generally has a lot of logic in it, my entire working day is very logical because of my job, I do computer programming a bit in my spare time and that requires a very logical head. So generally I’m a logical thinker. At the same time I am a very emotional person and the experience of losing my mum has hit me hard in the emotional department. I don’t necessarily apply logic to my emotions but rather what has happened in life itself. I see life quite logically but my emotions see it in a different way. I cannot one or the other off and they don’t really work together either. This is where I could get really deep and confusing.
I am quite capable on this forum of giving support and advice but that doesn’t mean I that I follow it myself!
Shaun
I can see this post has gone a little off topic now 
lol but this is so beautifully written…sad but, I don’t know something about this just touched me and I read this yesterday and then again today.
I don’t come on here as often as I should, but I remember reading your story and this is a lovely tribute to your mum and has made me think about my last “normal” day. Big hugs to you xxx
Hi @Newman73 , what a horrible time for you. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. A week is a blink of the eye and I can well imagine the turmoil going on with you at the moment. I’m 13 weeks in and I still struggle massively with the fact I shall never see or speak to my mum again. I’m sure everyone suffers this agony. Thank you for your story. Life sometimes just doesn’t make sense at all. I know that nothing I can say will make you feel any better but you by being on this forum you can share feelings and stories and you will find others in a similar situation as yourself. I hope you are getting good family support but by the sounds of it your family will hopefully be supporting each other as the life of a son will touch so many other relationships.
Shaun
Hi Tasha, Thanks for your post and thanks for reading my story. I am trying to create some good discussion and share some personal things from my life and I’m hoping that others will be able to relate to my story in some way. I am enjoying hearing about other people’s stories. Everyone will have a time when things were last ‘normal’ in some way and I think that a lot of people probably think about that time a lot in the grieving process. I know I can’t have it back but I do long for that normal time again. I also look for the time in the future when I can look back at the time before and be able to smile with the wonderful memories. Right now isn’t the time I can do that yet as I’m sure is the case with many others.
Shaun x
@Jooles45 , I bet those words were hard to write so thank you for sharing and I agree, guilt is horrific. We have so many wishes don’t we, so many if’s and maybes? In my case I probably wasn’t as persuasive as I should have been with mum’s health. I know mum hated the thought of dying so I avoided it to save her thinking about it. Or course it didn’t and she suffered depression as a result of that and other things. My mum would tend not to complain about stuff and I tended not to question her about it. That’s my failing and I wish I’d done it differently. I suppose the bottom line is that we all beat ourselves up about what they did or didn’t do and what we did or didn’t do and forget that life is just not as simple as that. It sure is with hindsight though! We can’t be in control of our loved ones all of the time no matter how much we care about them. We are then forced to accept what has happened and somehow with a lot of time and a lot of help from ourselves and others, pick ourselves up and cope with life again. I know it’s going to take a long time and it’s going to be touch and tiring, what choice is there though? Take care.
@Shaun73 I’m so sorry for your loss and thank you for all your posts and expressing things that I struggle to even voice at the moment, it’s all so overwhelming. I too wonder what could I have done differently, would it have made a difference, or are we predestined to go at particular times and there’s nothing anyone can do to change that when it happens. I question how much of my grief is to do with loss and how much to do with my idea of what death means. Would I feel differently if death meant something less final, is the pain of loss made worse because I can’t see an alternative? I am so confused and distressed it’s difficult to handle and being an emotional person, like you, I do use logic to try and navigate the impossible even if it’s just to eliminate certain things and get to the bottom of whatever it is. Which isn’t working much at the mo but does leave me feeling like I’m trying to find a way forward as I can’t live without the hope of coming through this somehow. The idea that this is how it’s going to be until I go is just too unbearable. Yet, if it wasn’t for my husband and his love I wouldn’t be who I am and I think it’s these gifts I need to focus on and not waste them. But I can’t see this happening as emotionally I’m on my knees and every moment is a struggle with this enormous pain.
Thank you for your reply @dontknow1 . I see you are grappling with similar thoughts as me and I am sorry that you have suffered greatly. So many questions and the answers are not clear. I sometimes wonder whether I would feel better knowing there was something else after death or whether thinking that death is final is actually the best way for me. I may long for a particular way of thinking but I cannot change the way I feel so I’m just going to have to accept my thoughts just like others do. There is no right or wrong way to feel as these times.
I don’t think we are predestined for any particular time as such. I think we have some degree of control over our life but in the end, nothing we can do will prevent the inevitable and no matter how healthy you think you are, death is always just seconds away. I was discussing some of my thoughts just tonight with my dad and how life can end just like that and what is actually the best way to go is. Now I am deeply upset, not so much that I’ve lost my mum but more that my mum has lost her life. How illogical is that? She isn’t suffering at all. I said to my dad that there is no right time for events to happen and if my mum had died in 10 or 15 years time, I’d still be feeling the same now and wanting more time. Life never seems fair does it?
I’m a deep thinker and sometimes to my detriment and I hope I’m not depressing you even more! I often go out for walks for exercise and that’s when my mind can really wander and present so many scenarios which of course I will never get to play out in real life. Doesn’t stop me punishing myself though!
Like you, I think there must be a way through this and be able to have an enjoyable life. This cannot be how it is forever, that would be awful. We will get through this but right now there is no rush. It’s strange but I am actually looking forward to certain things in the future while at the same time struggling to accept that I’m allowed to feel this way. What a confusing time!
Anyway, thank you again for your message, I really hope you find peace in your own time and through talking with others on this site. I’ve found it to be enormously helpful to share thoughts which I now know are so common among others in a similar situation.
This is such a good post - it gives people the chance to talk about happier times they had with their loved ones.
Sadly I cannot remember the last normal day I had with dad, he went into hospital in June 2018, and when he was discharged, he was a sick man. Sadly, I had not been able to visit for a few months before that as my car had problems, so the last normal day I had with my dad was sometime in March 2018, and I can’t even remember what we did then.