The pain and loneliness

Geoff, I can only imagine how you felt yesterday, we were fortunate to celebrate our 50th last year than exactly 2 months to the date I was attending his funeral. Alan passed away 38 hours after I learnt he had cancer, I’m only grateful he never got to hear this.

no matter how we prepare ourselves for these anniversaries, they’re always tinged with sadness. Christmas was hard, we didn’t acknowledge Christmas at all. k jade a Sunday lunch for myself, our son, daughter, Winston (our daughter’s pug) and Ada, my pug. i actually cooked Christmas lunch on his birthday and exactly how he liked it. it was my way of getting through those two tough days. my birthday, New Years Eve, I faced head on, was hard I won’t lie, but felt glad I did it. you see, we always go away for the new year 4 day break, I want going to go, but I had the support of old friends who we meet there every year. as unsaid, it was hard but I managed it.

there’s no hard and fast rule of how we do things or what we do, all I shall say is just do what you personally feel is right for you,

you will always be married to your lovely lady, nothing can ever change that.

hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today

blessings
Jen ☆

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Hi Jen
I can truly empathise with your feelings. So I’ve been through my first anniversary - alone. It’s Anne’s birthday in October - the next hurdle? And bloody Christmas will be a nightmare. My daughter will invite me over to her place along with her brilliant partner and my grandson. But a part of me just wants to go somewhere on my own perhaps fishing and forget Christmas even exists.
Love and Light.
Geoff

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Oh Valatschool
My sentiments entirely, especially ‘I’m a waste of space’ I feel that way to. I gave the best of my life looking after Anne the best way I was able. All done with love: my life’s quest. Now thats complete I’m superfluous to requirements regarding this world. Living just for myself isn’t what I’m used to or even want. I could go on a world cruise but why would I want to? Holidays are about Anne and me - together. And even so, the thought of me playing ’ Billy no mates.’ at meal times is certainly enough to give added reason not to even think about it. .Logically there is no practical or earthly reason for me being alive anymore and I welcome the grim reaper anytime he is ready.
Love and Light
Geoff

Dear Geoff - I spent many years looking after my husband - it was my sole “purpose” in life - near the end when I said I loved him, he gave me a big grin and said “you’re supposed to”…so now here I am without him and it is bloody hard to fathom how I am supposed to exist alone…but I know how sad and disappointed he was when he finally accepted he was dying. He didn’t want to die. He wanted to live and enjoy life. I know that he wouldn’t want me to give up, that he would want me to fight to find some joy in my remaining time. It’s so very difficult to convince myself that this is a struggle I have to win, that I have to want to win. I am finding it very hard not having him here to share the little everyday things of “life” and the support he always gave me. Take small steps and try to find some beauty. Perhaps a day trip to somewhere you’ve never been, or perhaps somewhere you would like to revisit…I find nature is very soothing to my soul…it just moves along moment to moment with its own rhythm paying no mind to the chaos inside me…but it makes me aware that everything is moving around me, and sometimes I can open up enough for brief moments to see its beauty again…nothing looks, or feels the same, but I know it is, it is me that is different now. I keep telling myself life is a gift, it is a gift that my beloved Che would love to have…

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Hi Geoff999,
I’m so sorry to hear about you feeling like you want to end things. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed.

I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been
able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out
there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone
about how you are feeling.

The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s
bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to
counselling or other support services in your area.

We offer online bereavement counselling to members of this community.
This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can
attend from home. There’s more information about this service here:
https://support.sueryder.org/bereavement-counselling

You deserve care and support so please, Geoff999 get in touch with one of
these services.

If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or
contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Take care,
Michelle
Online Community team

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Hi ValatSchool,
I’m so sorry to hear about how you are feeling at the moment, and you wanting to be with your husband again. It sounds as though things are very
tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed.

I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been
able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out
there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone
about how you are feeling.

The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s
bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to
counselling or other support services in your area.

We offer online bereavement counselling to members of this community.
This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can
attend from home. There’s more information about this service here:
https://support.sueryder.org/bereavement-counselling

You deserve care and support so please, , get in touch with one of
these services.

If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or
contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Take care,
Michelle.
Online Community team

Dear Valatschool
I lost Dave my husband on the 30.9.18 and it is coming up to a year, I feel like it was yesterday. Like you I feel I should have done more he was in hosptal for 7 wks went in for sepsis we had just come back from holiday when suddenly when 2 wks after were back Dave started feeling un-well. I stayed everyday in the hospital with him but I still feel guilty for not staying with Dave at night. We were married 52yrs together 54yrs and had good life with friends and family, but like you even though I have lots of things going on nothing seems to make me feel better I miss Dave so much. People say time heals but I think we just manage the grief better and I still cry everyday although my friends and family think I am doing well. Lots of hugs Queenie

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We all think we could have and should have done more, it’s part of the guilt feeling that comes with grief. It doesn’t matter how many people tell you there was nothing more you could have done the feelings stay with you. It’s not possible to stay with a loved one constantly as much as we wanted to. I used to stay from dawn to dusk when my sweetheart was in ICU, waiting for the shift changes in nurses so I knew who was taking care of her. Her son would stay for a while after I left. We had animals to take care of so I had to leave. I left enough extra food for a cat but it wouldn’t have worked for her remaining horse.
Don’t beat yourself up, I’m sure you did everything you could, just as we all did. I know saying so and no amount of reassurance will make the thoughts go away, because I can’t get them out of my head either.
Take care, Carl.

I just find the finality so hard to bear. I can’t ask him anything now or tell him my news. Yesterday I had to go round to my mother’s flat as she is now in a care home. I went round the front entrance which I havent been to since Adrian died and it reminded me so much of us going away from her, waving and driving home. He did so much for her and although I always thanked him I hope he knew how much I valued what he did. I cried solidly for about an hour when I came home. I constantly read and re read his old texts to me and I just feel my heart is broken. We were married for almost 32 years and he has been dead for 11 weeks. So so hard.
Val

There’s a deep disappointment in myself that I didn’t do better or more the last few weeks. I can’t change it, so I can’t beat myself up too much, but it is a burden. I did the best I could under the circumstances. I didn’t want to admit he was dying, but I knew. I just didn’t think it was going to be so fast. He didn’t want me to treat him like he was anymore than “sick”. He stayed strong until the end. He loved me to the end - that is what I have to hold on to…
Thank you all - truly - for your honesty and compassion and sharing…this has allowed me to explore my own grief in a much more open,positive way…