Thoughts on photos, shoes and other things

Today is not a good day for me. It’s exactly 11 months since I lost Dave. This morning I was doing some filing and amongst my filing was a yellow sticky with his writing on. That has triggered a downward spiral for me to the point I have only just got dressed and not bothered to shower. I was supposed to be going to a friends birthday socially distanced bbq but have sent my apologies as I just can’t face it or people today. I’ve no idea where that yellow sticky came from as it wasn’t even anything to do with my filing. Maybe he’s sending me a sign that he’s still here with me. The pain you have when losing your life partner is like nothing you have ever experienced before and it’s impossible to explain to anyone who hasn’t been through it. I’m lucky to have a wonderful set of friends and don’t know what I would have done without them at times, but I hear them say the same words and phrases that I have been guilty of using in the past but now know that actually this grief is far worse than you imagine it to be. You realise you’ve joined a club you don’t want to be part of and never asked to join. Dave and I were married for just 8 days (we got married whilst he was in ICU) but we had 35 wonderful, fantastic and happy years together. I still can’t go into the garage and sort out or touch his tools, I still have his clothes hanging in the wardrobe waiting for me to sort out what to give my friend so she can make memory quilts for myself and our son. I’m slowly building back up the confidence that I lost after he died. Like someone else posted above I have started to put pictures in frames to have in the lounge (only a couple) as I too never used to understand my mother’s need for photos everywhere. Whilst there here with you why have a photo when you can see the real thing and touch and talk to it. Sorry long post which I didn’t mean to write so much.

Aww you are at the same stage as me and I went through what you are feeling last week . I just woke up and it felt like a black cloud over me so many bad memories of his illness this time last year kept coming into my head . I cried and cried for about 5 days then woke up one morning and the black cloud had gone . I am still grieving so much for him and on July 7 th the first anniversary will be here . But we will have those days think back to how it was when it all happened and how far you have come . Let the grief come don’t feel bad about it it will happen a lot but maybe as the months and years go by we will all find it a bit easier to cope . Keep talking to people who will listen to you without making comments or judging you . I have two special people who will always listen to me and it certainly helps . One of them I met on here and we decided to talk to each other rather than message . We now speak for an hour once a week and have fine this since September . We have found out that we go through the same things and feel the same things . Those of us grieving a loved one all know these feelings really well . Thinking of you and hoping you will feel a bit better soon . Big hug goes out to you xx

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It has been a year for me now since the love of my life passed I still cry at songs and pictures lots of her jewellery I have still got nothing expensive just memories pictures I have in all the rooms so I can talk to her where ever I am in the house I did see a medium who said she is always with you so I talk to her all the time the agonising pain has now turned to an empty feeling I’m hoping she will be with me when my turn comes

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Thank you Gillyb and Newb. Dave passed away on 12 July. This time last year we had no idea of what was to come. Dave had a very rare cancer (pheochromocytoma) but we still had about 18 months left with that. He actually caught an infection of something somewhere in his body when he went to Paros air show with work, they never did find out what. This started to make his pulmonary fibrosis kick in (it had been asymptotic until then) and he got bronchial pneumonitis. Admitted to hospital on the 27th June, moved to ICU on 29th June. We married in icu on 4th July and he can’t home to die on 10th July and died on the 12th at 8:45am with me and our son beside him. Every Friday I light the led candle by his ashes. I’m sure the day will come when I will forget to light it.

So sad and tragic . My husband had a small mole removed from his big toe in December . 9 weeks later On feb 19 they told us it was cancer a malignant melanoma. It was very aggressive moving to his liver , bones and spleen then lymph glands . The immunotherapy stopped his kidneys from working and despite trying numerous treatments nothing worked. 19 weeks later he lost his fight against that foul disease . So I know what you are going through . I nursed him at home where after 3 hospital stays he passed away . He had never had a days illness in his life and we had only just retired the year before . He was 66 and I was 65 the day before he died . Life will never be the same for any of us but we will carry on and face each day as they would have wanted us to . :kissing_heart:

Everything here very relatable. My lovely wife of 18 years, Heather, died six years ago next week, aged 47. The fact I’m on here says something, doesn’t it?

I’m recognising a familiar rawness in the words of those who’ve more recently lost loved ones. For me, I wouldn’t say the rawness has subsided; maybe just become more familiar? Last year, I walked across Britain to try and get a bit more clarity (see I think what comes is acceptance, and gratitude for the time you did have together, rather than the future you won’t.

But it’s not straightforward, is it? I think all will be well. Come back here in five years’ time and observe how well you’ve moved forward, with your lost loved one by your side. Death is very natural. Comes to us all. Just a bit too early sometimes.

And yes, TrishaF, how powerful those little treasured things are! For me, it was (and is) things Heather held: cutlery, a hairbrush, or Etin (a soft toy baby orangutan), held as she died, and still in my bed every night. I love Etin.

Very best wishes all for calm and reflection. Richard x


Gillyb so tragic to lose him the day before your birthday. Dave was 64 and I was 60 he so desperately wanted to manage to retire. :kissing_heart:

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Hi Richard. You may have found yourself on this site but you have brought something positive with you. Thank you, I have taken a look at your 52 in Britain link and found it very interesting. What a great thing to do. I do hope it gave you what you were looking for.

I am truly sorry you lost your wife and at such a young age. Also I’m sorry for your three beautiful children losing their mum. It can’t have been easy. Grief isn’t easy in any form. It hurts like hell. I guess you had to be strong for your children, perhaps keeping your grief hidden. Maybe that’s why you now find yourself here. I hope you find this site helpful. I know I have. Sending love and understanding Richard, to you and your children. x

Hi all, come in a bit late on this thread, but wanted to remark on what a gift memory is.
My late father, who passed a couple of years ago from Dementia comes to mind. He was unable to understand or recognise people, even me at times, yet, show him an old object or specially photos, and he’d tell you names, dates, the lot.
I pray I never loose my memory. Memory is everything to me now. Every day I’m thinking of my Ann, knowing her opinions, how she would respond and react to things. After 46yrs, she new what I was thinking, and vice versa. I can mentally hear and see her, throughout the day now.
Little things, like, over the years, when out walking arm in arm, and in front of us in a crowd, a sexy short skirted lady or whoever might appear (I might not have even noticed) she’d tug my arm, and murmur, “I know, keep your eyes off” :joy:
Or, letting windy go (sorry, we’re all human!) she’d always look at me disgusted, saying, “dirty boy!” :joy:
It’s making me giggle just writing this!
If I can’t have her back, I still have those lovely memories, and so a big bit of her will always be with me, guiding me.
… John


It’s making me giggle reading it John :face_with_hand_over_mouth:. x