Yes I know what you mean. Sometimes I can’t work out wether I am angry with myself, the world, both or nothing at all! x
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Anger is part of the grief … i read that in the good grief guide ! I sometimes forget that … i think why am i getting so angry all the time … i never used to get so angry !
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@JerryH @Deb5
It’s human nature to project our anger at ‘whatever’, and it is natural - or so it says in everything I’ve read & what people tell me. I was trying to do some shopping & was standing in front of a fridge - couldn’t remember what it was I wanted when a man pushed past me & moved my trolley - I shouted at him about how rude he was & if he’d asked I would’ve moved out his way. I would normally have ignored the rude behaviour 
. Poor man probably had his own issues. We just have to ride it out & hopefully we recognise the signs next time. X
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Ha yes of course. Is it some sort of weird defence mechanism? Upon reflection, I think I get more impatient than angry. x
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I agree - it is a defence mechsnism from being hurt again i think ? You put up your defences so that nobody can get.to you … mine are obviously not strong enough because people still hurt me … especially my kids …i think i have to just let hem go in the wind. Theyre not babies anymore ! Time for them to grow up i think, they seem to think its all about their pain when actually its me who has lost my husband not them … i know he was their dad but its much bigger for me because he was my soulmate and i was with him everyday ! They cant seem to see that and im sick of trying to explain it … x
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@Deb5 - I think, for me at least, grief is both a terrible place/thing, full of the pain, silence, hurt, absence that we all know so well, and a place/thing of healing, of learning, of shaping us for the next part of life. It has certainly changed me and, oddly perhaps, in many ways for the better. I don’t fear grief so much now - only wait for the pain to pass as it does and to find, always, a message from Tom about going forward, about blessing my decisions.
Take last night. I was here in the mountains and there was a special village event that Tom and I used to watch from the terrace here. I invited a couple of friends and we watched together.
At one point, I felt this huge sense of his loss, his vast absence and in that very moment, the fireworks started, right in front of us on the snow front. Beautiful colours, bright and blazing and I felt that was Tom saying to me “look, life is beautiful - look forward, go forward, LIVE”. It was grief again, and Tom, showing me the way. Hold tight, thank you for your posts and for your encouragement always xx
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@JerryH - thank you, thank you my friend
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Hi @Deb5,
I’m not sure about defences such that no one can get to you. I suspect that the fact that we loved our partners so much means we will always be in a sense, vulnerable to further hurt. To avoid that would mean shutting down feelings altogether?
Whatever, I am sorry that it is your children who are causing you so much additional pain. I have no doubt that that is very hard to bear. As you say, they are not babies anymore so it seems right that you should look to your own well-being. x
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I know he would want me to live life to the full ! He was a funny loving man but it has taken me months to stop missing him and i think i have got a lot better and am talking to more people and realising there is a world out there… its been very tough over xmas and made me miss him more. But thanks you @Vancouver , i know he will always be there guiding me and i will never forget the love he gave me … how can you ? Why would you want to … it s special isnt it … like he was … but totally understand what youre saying … we move forward, slowly, baby steps xx
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Well my defences are up … my kids do my flipping head in !! Nothing i ever do is right for them , i always feel i am damned if i do and damned if i dont !!!
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I’m so sorry that your children are causing you extra pain. My two children are trying to give me the space & time I need. They are both dealing with their own loss in their own way. I move forward, reluctantly, because I can’t go back, as much as I want to. My future is full of darkness just now. This stormy weather suits my mood today.
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Thanks @Malteser … yes they are … they been awful over xmas … not even heard from two of them. Glad your kids give you space. Its good you have some space but also you need to know they care too. I know theyre dealing with their grief too, mine are, but theres no need to take it out on me is there … ! Would be nice to be understood but seems an impossibility right now … and yeh we move forward reluctantly as you say and with gentle steps, baby steps but we must take care of ourselves too with lots of self care. And awful westher here too !! xxx
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