1 year ago today

I was out shopping with my sister. Everything was normal. She looked amazeing. We had coffees, cake, we moaned as sisters do about life, kids, husbands. We chatted over what we’d do when our mortgages were paid. She was excited about planning a trip to Iceland for her 50th that comeing February. The trips she’d do, the hotel that was booked.
Wed no idea that she’d be ill in hospital and never get there, that she’d terminal cancer. That she’d be dead by April. The horror that was to come. I wish I’d a time machene to re live that last day of two sisters haveing a laugh, haveing a moan oblivious.
Today’s a bad day. Tears rolling down my face. Dreading the 1st xmas, the 1st birthday, the first anniversary still all to come. This feeling never seams to go the dread and sick feeling.

Dear @Paula51, I am sorry you’re having a bad day. Grief gets compounded when there is a sense of feeling cheated, like you do, as your sister did not get to do the things she wanted to do like go on her trip to Iceland. Someone once wrote that she used to go shopping with her husband, and she’d do her thing, her husband would do his thing, and they’d then meet up for a coffee, and how she misses that. It’s the simple things in life that ultimately matter the most, and I am sad that this has been taken away from you.

Oh Paula how your post resonates with me. How many of us took tomorrow for granted?
At 50 your sister was quite naturally making plans for the future and it is beyond cruel that it was denied her. It’s hard looking back at those times together when we had no idea what was around the corner.
This Saturday it will be a year since my husband died in front of our son on an evening out together. He hadn’t been ill and a sudden arrythmia caused his heart to stop. It couldn’t be restarted. Earlier that day we had been discussing future plans for our retirement and my husbands very words were ‘see, I told you we’d get there’ . We’d had a few complicated years with family care issues and for the first time in ages were hoping to spend time together travelling etc. Basically doing our own thing. At 64 we hoped for a few years of active retirement. This wasn’t unreasonable given what we thought was our relative good health.
Fate or something had other plans.
Needless to say I no longer make plans and going day to day or sometimes hour by hour is the only way I get by. I can’t imagine ever doing anything else.
I try not to focus on what might have been but don’t always succeed. Inevitably you had expected years more with your sister and the feeling of being cheated is hard to shake off.
There is no rhyme nor reason as to why some people have long lives and others are taken far too soon.
Take care

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Thankyou both.
My sister had never had a day of sick from work. She never was ill. She’d so many plans. The mortgage was, almost paide, her kids reaching and had reached adulthood, it was going to be her time and her husbands.

The loss of her effected me it shook my world. I too no longer think too far ahead, I feel what’s, the point of planning for when the mortgage is, paide, when we hit retirement. Do it now if you can. Plus we’d savings, what’s, the use of money it couldn’t safe Tracey. After Tracey passed my husband fulfilled a, dream he’d been waiting to do once he retired, we spent a, large chuck of the cash to make it happen. I said why Waite… All that’s, guaranteed is death at some stage. I know that’s morbid but it’s how I thought and now think. I lost the will to be bothered over my weight I thought sod it if I go tommorrow I don’t want my last meal to have been a blasted lettuce leaf. My sister loved meals out and good food something the cancer took coz, she couldn’t swallow in the last few weeks.

Jobar. I can’t Imagine the shock of looseing you’re husband like that. I often wish my sister had just dropped dead that way she wouldn’t have suffered as she did, but would it have been easier for us the remaining family. Reading you’re post I don’t think so. I hope on saterday amongst the tears you also manage a smile maybe a laugh or two as you remember you’re husband and the life you shared.

Thank you Paula. Many of us on this forum have lost a loved one suddenly and I have to admit that it’s impossible to describe the level of shock it inflicts on those left behind. Nothing makes sense any more.
However I am also aware that losing someone to a cruel disease like cancer, among others, brings its own trauma. I have seen what it can do and there are heartbreaking posts on this forum which describe just how traumatic it can be, as indeed for your sister.
Ultimately it’s the finality and unpredictability of death which is hard to process. The random nature of a life span.
Like your sisters lifestyle, everything seemed to be in my husbands favour. Within our peer group he was the most active by a long way and very positive. We had a lovely life ended too soon.
I don’t think it’s morbid to live for the day. I think it’s a natural reaction to losing someone prematurely . We are forever changed by such profound loss.

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I’ve lost grandparents, and elderly relatives and although sad you always churn out the phrase… They had a good innings… It never seams so bad if theyve got to their 80s and beyond. You remember their life everything they’d achieved done. But when someone’s young you… Well I have…ended up focusing on everything they won’t do or experiance.

Yesterday though as I was, watching TV a random happy memory came to me of us, being kids and on the dodgems it made me smile.

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Perhaps we start to heal by remembering what our loved one was able to do and achieve rather than focus on what they will have missed. I haven’t reached that point even slightly yet but in time who knows . I think there are so many expectations around life expectancy. When someone doesn’t reach even the average age it leaves us feeling cheated, rightly or wrongly. I now take no notice of statistics.

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Just wanted to say I am thinking about you today Barbara. My turn next Saturday, can’t comprehend that’s a year for us already can you? Hope you get through the day as well as you can xx

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Thank you so much Vi for your message. It means so much when someone truly understands the absolute devastation of losing a soulmate but I am sorry that you too have endured a year from hell. We are left reeling at how suddenly our lives can be plunged into chaos and despair.
I am still numb with shock. I wouldn’t have thought it possible twelve months on but I am living proof that it is!
This forum has been my saviour, being able to connect with others in the same boat. I shall be thinking of you in the coming week. Take care.

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