1 year anniversary

My dads year anniversary is coming up on the 11th May and I am so total mess, I asked my 4 boys to come home this weekend so we could talk about our feelings but they all said they were to busy, spent most of the weekend in tears and dont want to go to work tomorrow as my work colleagues avoid me at the moment as they all know the anniversary coming up, I still haven’t been able to scatter dads ashes due to covid restrictions and family not all being able to be together with my Scottish family, it hurts me that we still haven’t been able to grant his last wish even after a year, I let him down by not being by his side in death and now let him down in final wish. I really miss him and just wish I could turn back time and be able to hold his hand as he slipped away. Dont really feel supported by family and work and feel I haven’t been able to grieve him because of the lack of bereavement support.

Hi Lisa, I completely understand what you are going through. My mum died a year ago on Christmas eve. This happened in Finland and I am grateful I was able to be with her and that she was able to share her wishes with me. At the same time it was heart breaking to be a part of it…
However Corona virus happened and it took me 7 months before I was able to travel to go and arrange a scattering of ashes. It was an unimaginable burden and pressure and at times I felt I was loosing my mind. I just wanted to pack my bags and go - no matter what. In the end I am now happy how things went. As I had had to wait the restrictions were lifted slightly and her nearest and dearest had the opportunity to join together to say good byes.
I was not able to fulfil all of her wishes and I have felt guilty about it. I try to say to myself I did my best.
One thing I have learned is that I need to tell my friends and family when I am feeling down and need support. People are generally happy to help - when they know you need it.
We hear you. XXX