1 year on and struggling

My dad died a year ago tomorrow.
Due to circumstances we haven’t been able to have a funeral yet.
I have his ashes until we can have his funeral.
Due to the manner of his death he was under the coroners and I had to identify him 3 weeks after his death.
I’m really struggling today with the guilt of him dying alone ( the hospital wasn’t told of my existence).
The fact that I haven’t been able to say goodbye yet that I still have him here with me.
The images of him 3 weeks after his death.
But the biggest thing is because there was an investigation I did have to attend coroner’s court I know the timeline of his death and the day leading up to it.
Now that it’s the day before his 1 year anniversary I find myself on a morbid countdown he was here then he’s five hours till this he got up today not knowing that less then 24hours he had died Im pretty sure it’s not normal.
I’m not sure it because I haven’t had a funeral for him yet or the nature of his death why I’m doing this.
I’ve experienced grief before but not like this I feel like there is a weight on my chest I can’t not think about it.
I’m struggling and I feel like I’m going insane I’m trying to keep busy as to not think about it to much but it isn’t working.
Am I going mad?
It feels like this all just happened a year has passed and today I’m struggling just as my much as I did when I first found out :cry:
If any one has any tips to help I would be really great full briony

@briony26 oh my love my heart bleeds for you on reading your post. You’ll be sick of hearing it, I know I am sometimes, but I really am so so sorry for your loss. I know how awful it feels to lose your Dad, it is the worst thing in the whole world and I struggle everyday. It’s been almost 7 months for me since I found my Dad at home after a sudden heart attack and the shock does coat it for you for the first wee while. If anything, I think time passing makes it worse and anyone who tells you it gets ‘easier’ is a liar. I know it’s so hard to rid your mind of the awful thoughts - his last moments, the circumstances, visiting him at the funeral home, the suffering, the smells, the sheer pain you feel and wondering what could you have done different. Trust me, I’m kept up by these thoughts. I’m going to presume you’re pretty young too and to me that is the sorest thing. I’m under 30 and it’s how much you will miss out on together. My Dad will never meet my partner, never see me graduate Uni, never see my flat, never do anything else again.
Some days I find it easier focusing on our good memories and there’s a lot of them! My Dad was honestly my bestest and dearest friend too. It’s hard, but we are genuinely so lucky to have even had our Dads for the short time we did. I’m sorry I don’t have much advice or tips: grief is so unique to you and we all cope different.
Do you manage to get out? I find going for long walks with my dog everyday helps me a little. I speak to my Dad all the time too and I wear his ashes round my neck too. Do you have anyone to talk to? Reminisce the wonderful stories you’ll have? My inbox is always open and if you need to talk to someone who knows how awful it is or even share some memories, please do.

Take it easy, my thoughts are with you.
Best wishes, Steph.

Dear @briony26 my name is Ailie and I am a volunteer here and on behalf of sue ryder I wanted to welcome you to this community and I hope that you find support and comfort in the shared experiences. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your father and that there has been such a prolonged period of time with no funeral as yet. This would make is harder on you without closure on this and the opportunity to deal with the emotions. Have you considered talking to anyone because I believe it may be helpful to you especially as your circumstances have been over a much longer period of time? Sue Ryder offers a free online bereavement counselling service, where people can speak to a professional counsellor via video chat. People can sign up and book an assessment, and then book up to 6 sessions of counselling. www.sueryder.org/counselling Do let me know what you think and again I want to Thankyou for joining us here please reach out if we can help with anything at all x

Hi Briony
Just to let you know I’m doing exactly what you are doing yet I was able to have a funeral for my mum and there was no coroners court to attend. My mums anniversary is in 2 and half weeks and I can tell you that we were at the dentist this time last year tomorrow we went for a pub lunch, the day after I went for a run and picked up her prescription
The point is that you are feeling completely normal.
I think we just have to go with it. Today I’m feeling numb. Yesterday I cried all day.
Just go with the flow. No expectations and no criticising ourselves.
The anniversary is just another day. We have to remember that x