1 year today

Today at 8.40pm Antony died and my life changed. I got the knock at the door to say my son my Antony had died on the scene… How is it possible a year has passed?. Doesn’t feel that long and at times it feels forever. Never see hear him again.i see people carrying on making Christmas plans excited and I sit here either crying or in numbness. Have i accepted it some days yes mostly no. I mean how can it be true?. I find myself at times feel like im going mad with grief. Then it’s like shock all over again if I think too long bout last time I saw him and how it will never ever happen again. I don’t know how I have existed for this past year and the future is bleak. Doesn’t seem real if that makes sense then reality hits(mad with grief).
I don’t remember much now ofcthe past year only the tears and the pain. Some days I think ok .others I’m back in the pit . Never a second passes where Antony isn’t on my mind. I miss him so much it hurts. This is longest time and also shortest each day that passes that I haven’t seen him. Everyday I say I want my son back. Do we ever totally accept they’re gone?. At times hard to remember life before this past year. From tomorrow I will no longer be able to say this time last year… I know you all understand what I’m saying
. Miss you Antony love you always heartbroken mum xxx

Feeling your pain Julie. Each day that passes from the day that they left us continues to be so painful and the questions of why continue. Wish it could go back to the time before and the present and the future just seems impossible to get through. Sending love and hugs. Wynne

Jjulie you have managed to put into your post the exact way I am feeling though it’s been more recently with my son death, it’s like a living hell and there is nothing you can do or say to change it you just wonder how you manage to keep going…Your in my thoughts xx

My heart goes out to you Jjulie, my daughter Dawn passed away this time last year, and some days I just want to scream, the pain is so intense, and its hard facing life without her she was my rock, I’m finding it hard to evan get out of bed, it all seems so pointless. Hugs to you Maddie x

This is exactly how I feel everyday!
Heartbroken and angry!
The pain of not being able to have a conversation or see my sons face again or watch him continue to grow into man or even become a father!
I still expect my son to come home and trip up the stairs as he did everyday without fail!
Never hear him say mum again

I’m so sorry for all of us here, life is so unfair. The firsts all done and now what? The 2nds, 3rds etc. Nothing changed, some days I think he will come back even though I know Antony won’t just seems unreal at times doesn’t It?. As shock worn off ? I have absolutely no idea . All I do know is I want my son come through the door, like we all do.
When do we know we have accepted they’re not coming back? Do we ever ?. I sure do understand the saying now going mad with grief… xx

I know what you are going through I lost my only child on 24th November 2016 he developed a blood clot after a minor operation it was a total shock I miss him every second of every day I never done Xmas last year and won’t b doing it again, I have his ashes at home which is some comfort, I’ve also got him singing songs on his laptop so I can.hear his voice I’m dreading the future without him x

I’m dreading Christmas this week!
Marcus should be here as all of our children should,
at Marcus’s funeral I had candles and one was blessed, so each year for birthdays and Christmas I will light these for him, this is what I’m looking forward to the most!
I’ve had many signs I believe to be marcus, some may think I’m going crazy but I have comfort in it, and many stories which can’t be explained!
I prey every night to just feel or smell him next to me just one last time,

Hello Hays, Maddie, Wynne, Julie and Marina,
Like all of us on here, there’s not a day goes by that I don’t think of my son Sam. He died on the 9th December 2016 from a brain tumour. Hay’s you’re not going mad, believe me Sam leaves me feathers and coins and if I ask a question when I’m talking out loud to Sam I get an answer back in my head and I know it’s him because of the way that it’s said. As mothers we never truly accept that our child has gone, but we will see them again, when we pass over they will be waiting there to greet us I know this for certain. I am not religious at all but that is one thing I know for certain and in times of tears and anger I tell myself that however long of this life I have left, I will endeavour to try and enjoy it for Sam’s sake, he was a fighter and had 4 years of good life even with the tumour and chemo he would not let it stop him. He climbed Mount Snowden while still on chemo and there was a train to take you back down but the guard said “you should have bought you ticket before you climbed up” and wouldn’t let him on the train…so in typical Sam fashion he swore and marched back down. He was raising money even then for Macmillan. So I know without doubt I frustrate him the spiritualist I saw told me that. We each in our own way have to try hard to show that we are trying to cope as best we can. As I said for Sam’s sake I have to keep trying, I don’t want to let him down.

with love Helen

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