10 weeks without you

It has been 10 weeks since I found my 36 year old boyfriend on the couch in our house after he had a cardiac arrest having had a heart attack through taking RSO a strong type of cbd oil I have now been diagnosed with PTSD and depression I go the cemetery 4 times a week but it still just doesn’t seem real I feel asif I’m still going to wake up an he will be there smiling at me. But then the other side of me is like no Hayley wake up your soulmate, the other half of you had gone all the plans of living your lives together getting married, growing old together have just gone. It’s just you left to live the rest of your life alone looking after my son. And I know I’ll be alone. Forever because all’s I ever wanted was him there is no one else on the planet like My Lee he was the love of my life! The best.

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Hi Hayley, just wanted to show I’m here and just like you, Ilost my Robbie 16 weeks ago he was 39. We’ve just had his 40th birthday, he is my best friend, my solemate, my forever love and I feel so empty and lost. This just feels so unfair , Robbie died within 10 days of his diagnosis of brain cancer we had no time at all and we were exspecting much longer. All the further plans are gone, we ere supposed to have our happy every after to grow old and wrinkled together. I know he was put on this earth to show me how to be loved and to love someone. I don’t think I will ever find another. I am 46 with a 16 year old son from a previous marriage and it scares me that the next chapter of my life will be without him and carrying all this grief. We had only got together for a short time, he finally moved in as we started the first lockdown and never left. My friends have been amazing but 16 weeks on I just feel I carn’t keep blurbing the same old conversation about why, what if, what do I do now especially as it feels like everyone is returning to their own lives and moving on. I’ve started work part time again but coming home to an empty house is horrible.
I just take everyday day as it comes some are ok others are emotional and painful and I just let that flow and ride the wave, I know he wouldn’t want me miserable and I hold on to the fact that we had the most amazing love and so much fun in life. I am trying to continue will renovating the house as we had planned, I’ve been on trips in our motorhome that we had planned because I feel like I’ve gotta live like we had planned even if it’s just doing it. Deep breath, open your heart and spread your wings and fly like a butterfly and just be you in what ever way he loved you for. Best wishes for the next part of your journey , happy to chat if u need . Di