11 months nearly how i feel

So nearly 11 months for me and I have never felt emotional pain like this ive lost members of my family before but this is different it was my partner your relationship with a partner is different.

I thought i was doing ok but really been struggling again these last few weeks maybe because the first anniversary is now looming and my dads 5th anniversary is also next month

Having bad dreams about my partner ptsd and on different medication and counselling

Still very angry with my partner although i know it wasnt intentional (alcohol) he was young and i am only 37 with our 12 yr old daughter who is going through he own struggles at the moment

I cannot get the thought of death out of my head and scares me to think we can go at anytime also what if there is nothing after we die what if that is it i really hope he can see me though and how i feel.

Sorry if i am rambling just finding things tough at the moment miss him so much the sinking feeling everytime i wake up and he isnt here every day feels like groundhog day aswell but given the pandemic im sure we all feel like this in a way.

Also dosent help when people say you need to move on with your life i hate it just because they have we are all on our own journey with grief and grief is all i seem to know having losr 3 members in 8 yrs



Dear Fg15

My husband died suddenly in a road traffic accident in September. I hated the motorbike and this was usually the cause of any arguments we had. We were married over 38 years and together 42. I therefore understand your feelings of anger. I spend most days shouting and screaming at my husband for leaving me and for continuing on with the motorbike when I begged him to give it up.

We have adult children and know how they are suffering so can only imagine how your 12 year old daughter is trying to deal with the loss of her dad.

I share your thoughts regarding seeing our loved ones again. I have to be honest I have to believe that I will see him. I never got to say goodbye the thought of never seeing, touching and being able to speak to him ever again would just tip me over the edge. Therefore I have to keep faith that I will be with him again.

I also dislike people advising me to move on; this has only increased this week after the Inquest into my husband’s death concluded. The dark clouds descended the day he died, they will not lift just because I have his death certificate.

I will be thinking of you.