11 weeks since my husband passed

I lost my husband 11 weeks ago, he was diagnosed with cancer 5 weeks before that totally unexpected. I feel so lost like someone is mixing my brain with a food mixer, it settles and starts getting mixed again.

We met later in life and don’t have any family, our parents have all passed. I’m 53 and he was 59, I feel so lost, we married on my 50th birthday and my birthday and anniversary is coming up in a few weeks.

Sometimes I don’t think his passing has hit me, I’m crying every day, I think what I am going through is “normal”?

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Hi Magz
I am so sorry you have lost your husband especially as it happened so quickly after diagnosis. You will still be in shock and trying to comprehend what has happened. Crying every day is normal, so is getting angry at being left on your own and dreading the future without him :disappointed_relieved:
It’s been two and a half years since I lost my husband suddenly, Like you we got married when I was 50 as well after being in bad marriages we were lucky to have found eachother :revolving_hearts: At 53 you are still very young and I know how hard it will be when significant dates come around :slightly_frowning_face: I understand how you are feeling and the emotions you are going through as does everyone else on here who have lost Husbands and wives. Obviously I am much further in my journey than you are but it does get easier, I know you won’t believe that at the moment but eventually you will begin to accept what you can’t change and realize you are the only one who can change things and move forward. Life will never be the same again but it can be a different life and one worth living.

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Dear @Magz
I only joined this group yesterday and I’ve been reading so many stories of loss and grief. Each and every one of them touch my heart.
My husband is dying and it is a nightmare to go through so I feel your pain must still be incredibly intense. It is very sad that you have only been together a short time and both still so young. I truly hope you get some comfort here because we all need a little kindness at times like these xx

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Hello @Magz, thank you for bravely reaching out to us here. I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband, and I think many of our members can completely relate to how you’re feeling right now.

I just wanted to share that we offer online counselling, if it’s something you think might help. There’s not much of a waiting list either, so you should be able to access it pretty quickly. It’s totally free. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling.

Take good care and keep talking to us here, we’re listening.
Seaneen

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Hello @Magz

I lost my partner 4 weeks ago, very suddenly too as he had a motorbike accident. I feel as lost as you, but have found some relief in reading some of the posts here. I hope you do as well.

Sending love

Julie

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Sorry for your loss Magz. It is awful isn’t it ! I lost my wife and true soul mate 6 weeks ago yesterday to cancer. There is only one thing that gives me just a little bit of comfort in as much that she died at home in my arms having had a great day seeing all the family. It was a very calm, beautiful death, if there can be such a thing. No stress, no pain. But then it hits you that suddenly you are alone, even if you have a loving family around you. I feel like I have moved into a parallel universe. Every night I get into bed, pretend to hold her hand and I kiss her pillow. I still have her PJ top that has her smell on it and go to sleep (although very little sleep if any) cuddling it. I cry uncontrollably, a real howl, so often. I don’t want to live anymore. That is not to say I want to commit suicide, I mean that life now has absolutely no purpose for me. If a lorry mounted the curb and was heading for me I just wouldn’t bother to get out of the way. I think the key is that we have to find a way of living alongside our grief. We are not ill, there is no pill that will make this better. The only cure is for them to come back and thats not going to happen. I have read a book called It’s OK not to be OK and for me it has helped me understand my thoughts. It doesn’t make things better, the pain and the loss doesn’t;t change. But it is a no holds barred book that doesn’t give you all the platitudes such as “time is a great healer” and “you will get over this” or “you will become a stronger person”. No, it just tells it as it is. It made me realise how personal grief is and we all grieve in different ways. Some of us, I’m led to believe, will never move on, some will “appear” to get over it quickly. The most important thing I leant is that we have to try to be kind to ourselves. Do what YOU want to do and only when it is right FOR YOU. These forums I think are good as although we are all suffering and lonely beyond measure, it does make one realise that we aren’t alone. Keep talking, keep posting and I really hope that you find your path to live with this.

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Hi Antony

I lost my soulmate Tony, 3 months ago and still wrap his T shirt around me every night, it still smells of him as well as his pillow which I hug every morning and at bedtime. I also am keen to go home when at my daughters house as I always looked forward to going home to him when he was here.
The world is now a very different place without him as, no doubt, you also feel.
It’s good to let your grief out. There are days I don’t unlock the doors, just stay in the house crying and asking him where he is.
I’m sure the intensity of our grief will reduce in time but I don’t expect it will ever go completely.

Wishing you all the best.
EmeeX

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Thanks for everyone’s kind comments. It’s very true that there is a lot of people going through the same. It was my birthday and our anniversary yesterday a very big first. But I got there with lots of tears and a few smiles. I put a love lock on a local landmark which will give me someplace to visit and speak to my husband.

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I am almost a year into this journey. I wanted to say that with the support of my friends and family as well as counselling I feel I’ve turned a corner.

I will never stop loving my husband, he will always be in my heart. I knew my husband would not want me to be alone for the rest of my life.

I’ve met a great person who is extremely supportive of my journey. There is a glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel.

Stay strong and you will find your new normal. It will never be the same. But it will be a new chapter in your book of your life. Nobody but you can write it. :heart:

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