12 weeks since my wife died.

It’s 12 weeks since I lost my wife. She’d been poorly for a number of years and I’d done my best (with the help of our teenage son) to care for her at home in between her hospital stays. Her health declined so quickly in April and May and she was moved from ICU in one hospital to a special renal unit in another - but all to no avail. They told us she was too sick for any surgical intervention and the best they could provide was ‘end of life care’. She was only 45. They called and told me they were moving her to a sideroom because her condition was deteriorating so rapidly and we had five days of sitting by her bed watching her die. Every time I think about my wife the first image that comes to mind is how she looked in that hospital sideroom - she looked like she was sleeping, but she was so thin and her skin had gone a horrible orangey yellow because her liver and kidneys were failing. I sat and stared at her for hours and hours, trying to convince myself that this was really happening and that we were losing her. The first few weeks after she died were a blur - we had to wait nearly three weeks for the funeral (they told me it was because of all the Bank Holidays in May) and I’d never had to go through anything like this before. I had to make so many phone calls, find countless pieces of paper, deal with the local council, registry office, DWP, HMRC, the landlord, funeral directors - and the anger and frustration I felt dealing with some of these organisations is probably what kept me going, My son has also kept me going - he decided he’d go to school as much as possible because he wanted to be around his friends and he drew support from them and some staff members. During term time we had a good routine but the School Summer Holidays have been really tough - I thought I’d be happier with my son at home through the day but it’s made both of us more aware of who we’ve lost. Although my wife was very ill, we’d sit together and watch movies or old TV shows and try to make each other laugh - and we’re both missing silly moments like that. We’re both a bit lost. I’ve tried reaching out to a bereavement counselling service and basically been told that they won’t start speaking to me until at least six months after my wife’s death.


I’m so sorry for you are going through this. 45 is no age. My partner died suddenly and unexpectedly at 49. Like you I feel robbed and have gone through many stages of anger and disbelief.
6 months down the line I’m fairing much better. I am struggling with summer hols as I work in a school and not having the daily routine of work is hard and I miss all the girls at work as we have a laugh and it’s distracting.

There’s nothing easy about this road we are all on. Just take it slow, an hour at a time.

You’ll both be grieving differently, with different feeling and expectations. Keep having open chats with him and hopefully you can help each other process what’s happened.

I paid for counseling and started a week after my partner died. I needed an outlet and I needed to talk to someone who didn’t know him and I just wanted someone to listen. I learned early on that nothing anyone said would stop the pain or help, I just had to put one foot in front of the other and walk through it.

For me personally, I had to walk into my demons head on. This is not the case for everyone. You do you and whatever you need to do.


Your story was heartbreaking to read. My wife and I had no children. I’ve been thinking the last 3 days that it would have been better to have children so that we could have supported each other, but I admit that I never thought about 2 people realising what you have both lost. My wife was laughing with me last Thursday night, and 12 hours later she was gone. I was desperately trying cpr on her in the bathroom, but I knew it was a battle I had already lost, she had already left this world. Like you said, my wife’s face was a pale yellow. I screamed in pain cursing the doctors who could find nothing wrong with her. Please keep coming back here, please do. For me this was only 3 days ago and I’m in shock. Be there for each other like of course you both will, but keep coming back my friend.


@Sanddancer73 sorry for your loss. You and your son have had a very traumatic time. I find keeping busy is what helps me most. I write a list of things to do daily/weekly and tick them off as I do them. I also write a journal ‘talking’ to my husband. I too paid for private counselling as I was also told it was too soon but I really needed to talk to someone other than family. I have found this forum a big help and hopefully you do too. Take care.


Sorry for your loss … its really sad for us all on here …Re : the counselling that’s probably about right … its not a magic wand though you know. Just helps with the grieving process ! We still have to go through this massive change in our lives and its totally crap and theres no other word for it really :frowning: ive had 8 weeks of counselling and she said we cant get out of it - we have to go through this grieving process . take care xx

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Did the register tell you about the tell us once service , through one phone call or on line they will cancel all the Government pensions Dwp, passport, freedom pass and others

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