12 years of Grief, I miss my Mum.

My Mum died recently 20th Aug 2019. She had vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s, diagnosed at age 62. We lost a piece of her everyday.
My feel my life is in limbo.
My Mum was my rock, the 3 amigos, my mum and us 2 girls.
Everything significant that’s happened to me was after her diagnosis. My partner, my 2 children, my work.
Mum went mute shortly after the diagnosis, she never spoke again. We didn’t have the stories, the fun, the reminiscing, (what I’d like to think anyway) she just went silent.

Mum deteriorated so fast in her last days, and I was with her as she took her final breathes and passed peacefully.
The immediate days after are a blur of sorting/making arrangements. And day after day just blended into another. I then found myself at the funeral, and again a blur of emotion.
I’m now left, with such contradicting thoughts, feelings, emotions, with no idea of how to move. It feels surreal, and somehow like I’ve watched it happen to someone else-like a film!
I’m on auto pilot, I have 2 young children, I’m off work, with no idea of how to move forward.
My sister’s back at work, her partner appears to be moving forward, I feel stuck!!!
I don’t want dementia and My mums deaths to take the next 12years + of my life.
I’m very much, life is for living, and to live on with the qualities that shine from my Mum, but I don’t know how to take that step?!

If any of this at all, holds any resemblance to anyone else, please let me know. It feels like everyone else has the answer, but can’t share it with me.

Hi Catherine. My wife had dementia and died nearly a year ago. It’s an awful business to watch someone who was so ‘with it’ deteriorate.
It’s far too early for me to offer words of comfort, although I feel for you with all my heart. Early days like this can be the worse part of grief. Lost and isolated! Oh yes.
Emotions can change from day to day.
When all the paperwork is done and the funeral over that’s when reality sets in. It’s as if someone hit us in the stomach.
The next 12 years of your life need not be caught up in grief. How you feel now is no indicator as to how you will feel later. You will never forget, but the pain can ease and you can get back to some sort of a life.
Autopilot and surreal! Don’t we all know. You see, it’s a common reaction to what’s happened. It’s not abnormal but perfectly normal in the circumstances.
Slow recovery is being done by many on this Forum. No one has all the answers. But sites like this enable you to share your feelings with those who know how you feel. So many outside will try to ‘jolly you along’. You may often want to scream ‘but you don’t know how I feel’. How can they?
'How to take that step? I doubt anyone can give you an answer that will satisfy at the moment. I can only suggest you allow your emotions to express themselves. No bottling up. Come back on here and talk to us.
Have you seen your GP? You may not want medication, but they can be helpful in knowing of bereavement services available.
Be kind to yourself. You have your kids to take care of. I hope your partner is helping you. Best wishes.

Hi , I’m sorry for your loss, my mum also had vascular dementia, I felt like I’d lost my mum the day she was diagnosed. Dementia is such a cruel disease which immensely affects both the sufferer and loved ones. I cared for my mum throughout her illness, alongside my father who was physically disabled. Sadly I lost my father just 3 weeks after mum passed. Likewise, I was on auto pilot finding myself muddling through both funerals and sorting out the estate. Grief has so many emotions, which none of us either understand or know how to deal with! I don’t feel like I can offer any good advice, other than you are very early on in your grief, and, you will find it both difficult and not very motivated to move forward. Let’s face it ‘mum’s’ mean the world to us, I had to constantly tell myself that my mum wouldn’t want me to miserable and to get on with life, but it is so hard, especially as my caring role was such a big part of my life for many years. Hopefully as time moves forward you will find things easier, baby steps initially and talking to people helped me. I too have 2 daughters and felt at times that I was so consumed with grief that I wasn’t thinking about how they were feeling and coping. Take care x

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