12 years on…

Looking to the future
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My wife died 13 years ago this coming end of December. I’ve looked at a few posts & thought I’d add a perspective. You don’t “get over it” and you don’t “move on”. Or at least, I don’t. You certainly learn to live with grief. I usually describe it as though it’s a sharp stone in your shoe; very painful to begin with, agony in fact. But as you walk you change your stance and while you know it’s there you can still walk, just uncomfortably. Now and then the stone will move and stab you again, so you need to stop, wait awhile and carry on.

I am aware, every single second of every day what has happened, and I’ve had numerous therapies, drugs and so on. None of it changes the bleak fact I’m afraid.

Take things at your own pace, you need to keep some vestige of sanity, and it doesn’t matter a damn how you do that. Grief lasts for a lifetime and it’s a journey you can’t stop I’m afraid. Keep your loved ones clothes for as long as you want - some of my wife’s are still in the house. You are not in a race, and don’t think you have to meet anyone else’s expectations. They are not you and don’t know your situation.

Christmas is hateful. All my “deaths” have been between November and January, so this has always been bleak. Just ignore it is my advice. I still do. No decorations, nothing - cards while gratefully received go straight in the bin. Spend it on your own, or help out at a shelter - do something totally different.

Anyway, that’s me for now. Happy to chat with anyone who wants a long term perspective on loosing a partner.

Phil

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Phil, totally right from my perspective. You know it’s there walking beside you and sometimes it bites but we have to keep walking.
Christmas, yes I have done all those things and I say it’s only one day because before and after don’t count.
Take care, look after yourself and please recycle the cards, the one that should be there isn’t.
Oh I always get on old one out. S xxx with blessings

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Hi Phil. Reading your post. Definitely mirrors my own views. You give a very forthright honest factual account. I couldn’t have said it any better. We do what ever we need to do to get through this. I’m new to this site but the thing that’s hit me square in the face after reading many posts is the fact that in the early stages of grief. It’s a pain like no other. You simply can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. When I lost my boy. My world collapsed. I’m 6 years down the line now and I have pretty much the same views as yourself. You are right. It doesn’t get better, or you don’t move on. You just adapt how you achieve that is entirely UpTo ones self. I changed a lot of things in my personal life. Might not work for other people, but we all have to find our own way… If that means keeping clothes. Lighting a candle. Going for long walks. Doing stuff for charity. It doesn’t matter, do what it takes . :+1:

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