13 months out…

Hi Everyone,

It’s been a while since I posted on here. I managed to survive the first year and literally I mean SURVIVE. It was the absolutely worst year of my life. Navigating through his birthday, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day ( yuck) & the one year death anniversary. I thought once the one year passes the monthly death anniversaries would get easier… yet here I am 13 months out and just bawling my eyes out…Missing him more than ever.
I have managed to go back to work, school and exercise but That’s as far as I’ve come. I found I isolated myself the first year from everyone except my immediate family and few friends. I have put myself into this bubble to almost protect myself. Has anyone else experienced that after losing their partner? My “normie” friends just don’t seem to get it and being around them is too triggering.
I have met a few widow friends who are around similar time lines as myself. I know grief is different for everyone and mine has a lot of PTSD & trauma associated with it so I know it’s more complicated. However I feel like I’m stuck in my grief and depression now. I see my fellow wid friends going away, living life again, optimistic about their future and I feel like I’m just not there. I wish I was but I’m not. I’m not even near there. I feel just so stuck in my grief and depression. I’m still sitting here bawling over my person and missing him so so dearly. The waves are further apart now than the first few months but when they come crashing down I still am caught off guard and they hit harder than ever.

I just miss my old naive happy self and old life.


I know what you mean. I miss my old, happy self. The person that my husband moulded as much as I did as we were together from being teenagers. I wasn’t perfect but I am sad that that person will never be again. Our partnership was wonderful and natural and I enjoyed so many things. It’s not even half a life now. Sending hugs

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Dear Tash

I can understand your comment about your protective bubble. It will be the first anniversary of my husband’s sudden death in September. I too have ‘shrunk my world’ so to speak to survive this pain which friends and some family just do not comprehend. The pain is just too much. I am nothing without my husband, there is no life without him.

We were together 42 years. He is my everything and I no longer believe that I have a future life. This is now just my existence. Not wanting to hurt our adult kids or leave our little grandsons without another grandparent. Our son has a picture of his dad in his living room. When alone I cry and kiss his photo. I cannot bear to do this in our own property which I now just call the waiting room.

Have started counselling to try and overcome the anger I have towards my husband for leaving me and in the way that he died. Although I no longer recognise myself, I do know this I will never get over the loss of my husband. I too so miss my old life.

Yes I miss the old me and the sadness is I will never be me again. For 41 years he made me laugh sometimes but very rarely cross. Every time he came home I used to feel a little butterfly of excitement in my tummy his laugh made me laugh his kindness and patience made me love him more each day. He was my rock. So now that has gone forever. So have I


Me too Lin. The pain is unbearable at times. Who I was before is gone. I was so upbeat and happy. Now I drag myself around and I have to remind myself to stand up straight. I’m always bent over. It’s 10 months for me now. The whole in my heart is ever present. I miss him so much.


It is as you say unbearable. :broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart: