I have posted on here yesterday, but I thought I should introduce myself. I was widowed suddenly 14 weeks ago on Tuesday. I was ill with a chest infection so my husband made me a cup of tea, kissed me goodbye and told me to stay in bed (we are/were both retired) I was then woken up by the police knocking on my door and saying they needed to tell me something and they wanted me to sit down. What they said to me made that the worst day in my life - worse than losing both my much loved parents within 3 months or each other, even worse than being at the death of our 2 months old grandson.
I can’t remember the first 4 weeks, which my GP says is a coping mechanism. I can remember the funeral -:he had an amazing natural burial (I always told him I would just push him out of the car onto a verge!)
So how do I feel now? Numb really. If he walked back in the door now it wouldn’t be a surprise. I feel lucky that we enjoyed time together and also apart. I usually go away at least twice a year with ex work colleagues and also with my best friend. Kev loved bikes and was just about to buy a new one.
I feel guilty as I now realise how much he did for me (he was my carer) I always thought I would go first so for a while I was angry with him! Having trained staff on the “change curve” I can see my grief is all over the place and is a long way off the acceptance stage, possibly I will never get there.
I cry most days but not for too long as I imagine him telling me to put my big girl pants on! I have mamaged to increase my driving range to about 20 miles, and I have booked to go away at Christmas (with our children and grandchildren) So I am trying to distract myself. My GP recommended getting counselling from Cruse but there is a 2-3 month waiting list.
One bizarre thought I had in the early days, when seeing his body was that I could just take his body home and keep him bed so I could cuddle him at night. Completely irrational but I think it was my brain trying to regain normality by taking him home (which I obviously didn’t!)
One feeling I do have a lot is a feeling like home sickness, I suppose that’s loss of control of my life, and I am desperately trying to regain control.
Sorry if I have waffled on too much and thank you for reading xx
I can relate to all these emotions and thoughts, except taking his body home! 
I’m 19 months on this journey on the 29th. Like you i had the police turn up at my house. Initially the shock and disbelief was at the forefront.
Seeing him at the corners office was good for me as he wasn’t there, nothing about him was on that room and that was good for me to feel and see.
I am now in a completely different place to the early days, weeks and months. I accept he’s never coming home but i now feel his presence at times which is nice.
He’s also embedded in me. The things he showed me, the skills he taught me, the love he gave me, i appreciate so much and I’m grateful for what we had and still have.
Home sickness is a good description, the lost feeling is never far away.
You sound positive and that’s a good thing, that will help you big time.
First of all I am sorry for your loss
This would be about the same time my wife passed.
But in my case I was there giving CPR and watching ambulance personnel do the same but to no avail she was gone. Very traumatic don’t know which I worse what I suffered or police just telling me,
However as in all cases of sudden death the police need to investigate and rightly so. Still a very traumatic thing to go through.
I fully understand your thoughts most but not all are the same as mine.
I do think we will eventually find some kind of acceptance down this Long lonely and painful path we are on.