14 weeks

Hi, I’ve been reading many of the posts for the last few weeks and I’m finally putting pen to paper (so to speak). My grief has been overwhelming since I lost my beautiful husband back at the start of October. I wouldn’t have thought it possible to endure such emotional pain if I had not realised that that was exactly what I am doing and sadly so are so many of you out there. My goodness! What hell is this?
I’ve been strangely comforted that I am not alone by reading the posts on here.
I start some counselling with the local hospice on Tuesday and have already had a first ‘assessment’ meeting last week. I actually feel better after that first meeting as the lady was amazing and I said things out loud that had been eating away at me for weeks. I find it hard to talk to those who knew my husband well as they too are hurting and I can’t add to that.
14 weeks since he went, and so much it feels like yesterday and I feel like I’m down the rabbit hole.
I’m still in a state of shock really and can’t believe someone so healthy looking can die at 48 when he had so much left to do. It’s just so unfair isn’t it?
Wishing you all peace and love. X

Hi I lost my beloved wife in October as well. Yup at 54 it was so cruel to have her taken from me. I’m still waiting for her to walk through the door. Like it was some bad mistake. I rattle around the house, not being able to rid myself of the guilt of being the one who is still here. I have kids and grandkids, but I feel more upset when I am with them. It should be her. Life without Denise I don’t know, how can it go on. Loneliness frightens me so much. I thought about getting away for a few days in the lakes but soon as I started looking for places to stay I broke down. All my confidence went with her. My happiness and my future. I did think about endind it all. But the bollocking I would get when we meet again would be a huge one so il crack on. I feel a bit like a ghost here but not here xxx

My husband of 44 years was taken from me 7 weeks ago, I feel I have been robbed of the life we had together, I had only retired last year to spend more time with each other. The house as u say is quite I seem to manage in the day but the nights r the worst for me. I hope u manage to book a break soon I am off to venice but are going with family but dreading it as first holiday without my husband. Everyone says life goes on but I feel like part of me has gone still early days for both of us. Xx

Hi, and thanks for replying. I can completely agree with the feelings you expressed, I described myself as a ghost too. It’s like living a half life, as the beloved ones took half of us with them when they went.
I thought about topping myself many times a days after the funeral, as I think that has been the worst time. The arrangements and the administration kept me going, but the relatives and other people disappeared and there you are left, utterly bereft. The only thing that has kept me going (as ridiculous as it might seem) is my dog! I can’t bear the thought of her looking for me as she is my little shadow. She looked for my husband the day I came back from a cruise, as I had used his car. It broke my heart to see her looking for him.
I never had children and my parents died a long time ago so I do feel very alone.
We’ve joined a club that no one wants to join!
I did have a slightly better couple of days over the weekend but I’m paying for it today; bawling at the drop of a hat. I keep telling myself it’ll get better but I know it’ll never go away. The longing, and the anger at the injustice of it all.
Peace and love. I’m here if you want to vent.

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Hi all
I lost my husband eight weeks ago and as you all have said it’s a pain that is so difficult to cope with. No painkillers would ever work I can relate to you all. I too have considered counselling at the local hospice. I also feel so guilty at still being here to do things and my lovely, kind husband isn’t. Don’t feel I should be doing anything that we enjoyed it’s just not fair.
I managed coping with the arrangements that led up to the funeral. Then I found that because you put on a brave face, friends and family drift away. They promise to visit or give you a call but usually let you down if you see people out they have usually got an appointment/got to catch a bus/something is being delivered. Now I just wave, smile and walk on as they just don’t understand, if they want to speak to me I will wait for them to approach me. My husbands family (two daughters by a first marriage) have cut me off completely. No calls, not replying to my calls or letters. No explanation as to why!!! Nothing from the rest of his family either. No thank you for things that I have sent them belonging to my husband. Never any problems before, so why now… Yes I’ve thought of a way out but then I look at my beloved two dogs and know they don’t deserve to lose me as well as they are offering me so much unconditional love. Cuddles and kisses to wipe away my numerous tears. The injustice is just not fair is it. My husband had so many interests, most of which we did together. I too have days that I can’t call good just bearable but then have days where I can’t stop crying. So I feel it’s one step forward and three backwards. Each day I make sure I do something positive. Gardening (we grew our own veg), go for long walks with dogs, decorating, shopping (this is a struggle). Even going to the local land fill with bags of rubbish felt as if I had accomplished something. I’ve been there many times on my own before but completely lost my confidence also. Couldn’t risk driving for weeks. Good luck to you all.

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