14 yr old daughter took her life 04/02/20

Hi, I’m sorry I haven’t replied before now, I haven’t checked my email and didn’t realise anyone had replied, how are you doing? I’m struggling right now hence I’m messaging you at 4:55 am lol… it was the three month anniversary on the 4th and for some reason it’s all seeming very raw again and flash backs of the day it happened… sometimes I feel like nothing can touch me and then I realise what has happened and The tears over whelm me and the guilt and regrets… I have found things since she left that I should have noticed before and I feel like I completely failed that excellent child, she deserved someone so much better then me :broken_heart::cry::rainbow: (sorry pity party right here lol) just so broken, everything is. She’s missing from everything we do she was such a noticeable character and not always in a good way lol, now everything is tainted, all the balance has gone, it was me a these four amazing kids and now her death has smashed us to pieces and we’re try to get it back together but we never will :broken_heart: The thought of losing my child was always my worst nightmare, i didn’t think I would ever cope but it’s not question when you have other kids. I can’t believe she didn’t think how it would destroy us all, she knows we all love each other… so many questions that i can only guess the answers to… when is Ed’s birthday? Or has it already been if so how was it? Mels birthday is in October so I have some time to prepare although I’m not sure what that really means, she was very flamboyant and into cosplay so I thought of arranging an awareness day on the 6/10 where everyone wears or carries some sort of prop or costume accessories, or a wig, just think it would make her laugh and bring some happiness to the day, it’ll also raise awareness for teen suicide… I don’t know it’s just one of the many thoughts that go through my head… hope your ok xx

I have 3 children including Gemma and I too felt as though my beautiful family had been ‘smashed to pieces’ by losing her. But I was wrong. We have regrouped and you will too and gradually the sun will shine on your family again. We are once again a close loving family and there is always a space for Gemma. Although we can’t see her she is just as much a part of our family as she ever was and that will never change.
2 years and 2 months on I still have bad days, days when I can’t stop crying and feel so desperate. But I pick myself up and carry on for their sakes. Sending you lots of love xxx

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I’ll have a look thank u

I found my daughter too, she did the same, I had to do the same too… it’s so hard that the image is in my head, being confined to the house where it happened is bringing On flash backs That I thought I had under control :broken_heart::rainbow: xx

Thank you for your message it does give me some hope, I can see that time makes a difference, the first three days were different to the next week and then the next month over time I have Learned to tolerate it better, but I also know that this is never going to end, I will always feel as if I failed her… she was precious I should have looked after her better :cry: she was barely 14 I was responsible for her. I’ve tried to stay positive about this he fact I’m now mostly confined to the place it happened but I am starting to struggle now I don’t have work to hide behind. I have four children two are adults, I have a daughter who is married and has a beautiful boy and a son who’s 20, still at home, it was him that came up that morning to tell me that he could see her stuck behind the door and she wasn’t moving, then Mel she is forever 14 and then a 10yr old daughter … I can’t stop thinking about that day…it was so horrific. I still want it not to be real. At first I kept reliving that moment of realisation, but at the moment I’m not sleeping and over thinking and seeing her ashes 24 hours a day where normally I work at weekends and don’t spend much time here. These last few days have been hard lots of sobbing :sob: xx

I completely under stand what you are saying my daughter was at her own flat when I found her not my house being stuck in is so hard I’ve gone back to work I’m a nurse but on a mental health ward and all I think is how can I help u when I couldn’t help my daughter so in the end I will find some thing else little steps one day at a time and keep talking to any one who will listen when the world is open again I shall join groups and have some coinciding have you done this if so did it help sending u a hug

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Hi Melodies mum so sorry to hear about your beautiful daughter , I lost my 21 year old son in January this year , still feels surreal , not sure if it was suicide yet , waiting for inquest , but suspicions it was a combination of recreational drugs etc , he suffered with his mental health most of his adolescent life , struggled with his gender , I miss him every minute of every day :broken_heart: I hope things start to ease for you and you find a coping strategy :pray:t3:What ever that may be , if you want to stay in bed , do so , if you want to cry , do so , be kind to yourself but remember I’m sure your little angel would want you to carry on . These poor kids struggle so much in this life and I think the emotional pain is too overwhelming for them , it’s so hard to understand as parents that they would choose this , but it highlights how much they are hurting inside and can’t see a way out , stay safe my lovely compassionate friend , here if you need to talk , :tulip::pray:t3::purple_heart::dizzy:

Just checking how you are not heard from u for a while hard few days Easter haveing to stay in

Hi, sorry for not responding, I haven’t been checking my email - I am also in a very dark place. Ed’s birthday is on Saturday (18th) and we can’t really do much due to the lockdown. I am pretty distraught about it. He would have been just 15 and like you, I just can’t believe that I failed him. I will never understand and it is totally messing with my mind. Did I not make him feel good enough about himself? Did he not know how much we love him? Did he not realise how proud I was of him. What could possibly have been going on in his young life to lead him to even think about that. Did he not think of us at all?
Being in lockdown with my two other children makes his absence seem more vivid, such a massibve gaping hole. He was so funny and full of life. Our family has been blown to pieces. He was the baby. My life, which was great, is now over. I have gone from being a confident and successful woman to someone who feels like a total failure, an embarrassment. The woman who is such a bad mother that her son killed himself.
Sorry for the self pity but that’s just how it is. All his things are around, his room, the garage where he did it…
Ed’s brother (he’s17) recently ran the Hampton Court half marathon for Papyrus, raising £12,500. I am so proud of him and luckily that was just before the lockdown. All I seem able to do is cry. Are you aware of Richard Marson? You may find is story of some interest / comfort. Search ‘therearealwayswords.uk’. It is written 10 years after the death of his 14 year old son and really resonated with us.
I wonder if we will ever believe that this nightmare is real. PM me if you would like to. X

Hi A so so sorry for your loss , I totally feel your excruciating pain , please be strong , I lost my 21 year old son in January this year , , you recinate so much with every feeling and emotion I feel . It’s soul destroying and your quite right it’s so hard to function , they are our babies and it’s natural to feel we let them down , I have cried most of the day away today , sobbed and sobbed until I’m drained , I’m a mess , it’s ok to feel out of control we are here to support each other , please contact me if you need to talk love August xxx

I’m so so sorry you are haveing a bad day hope tomorrow is a better day hugs

Hi August
We lost our boy at the end of November and I genuinely think that I feel worse everyday. I simply cannot imagine the rest of my life without him. How did it ever get to this? No signs or warning - just a bomb dropped into our life.
Sorry you are have a tough time too. It is draining and if this makes sense, it’s boring too. I am so fed up of feeling so awful. Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk. Alison

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terrible. I just have to say that this world is wretched. that children so young even have the knowledge or wherewithal to take their life. this world we live in, is to blame. not the parents. this is a bad, bad place.

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