It’s 16 months since June passed and it still seems unreal, and I don’t feel any better now than when it happened. I was with her when she died – but she was unconscious for 5 days then slipped away. At least I was with her and able to talk to her. I find myself abandoning the shopping half-way round the store. I’m struggling to motivate myself to do anything, the only way the housework gets done is because I know she’ll be angry if I let the place go. I find myself welling-up and tears flowing without any warning – at home, walking and driving. I don’t socialise with couples anymore and friends have taken the hint and stopped asking me. I’m not lonely – I just miss her so much.
I’ve joined a widows/widowers support group which helped a bit but recently I’ve begun to think it’s a place where people go to find new people – the thought of that truly horrifies me – we met at 17, married at 20 and together for 45 years. Someone there said to me that I’ll end up a lonely old monk – I’m ok with that – I don’t miss other people and I really do not want a relationship with anyone.
I’m not sure why I‘m writing this – I really don’t want to contribute to anyone’s pain, but the last few days have been very hard. I think I’m starting to accept that I’ll never see her here again, and that’s awful, it gives me a very empty feeling.
My best to you all – none of us want to be in this club, but here we are. D