Well it’s now been 17 months since my wife passed away unexpectedly after a short few weeks in hospital.
Every day I say good morning and good night knowing there won’t be a reply. I talk to myself and commenting to her, saying things like “ here love guess what happened today”. . . Or “ I saw something and knew you would have said. . . “
I don’t know if I do it to console myself, to help my grief, or am I just desperately hoping for a re;ly. Yet I know it’ll never come.
I am semi-retired/self-employed and do odd consultancy work to give me something to do but in between I sit and wonder what’s going to happen in the next 20 years odd.
If it’s just more of this then I’m dreading it, the lack of stupid, inconsequential rubbish chit chat that you share in your day to day relationship life, takes on a huge meaning in the form of a massive loss.
The comfort barrier isn’t there, the mutual self assurance has gone, the lack of ‘someone’ is massive.
My sister reckons I need to find a companion who understands what is missing, not say a full on partner but someone to exchange stupid bits of gossip and nonsensical chat like you do. Dunno whether that is part of what I need but s I don’t know what I need, how do you decide.
Although I know things are crap, I did think I was getting on ok and managing fairly well although looking after myslef is pretty straightforward I felt ok to the outside.
But then I had a doctors appointment/review and, as you know nowadays you get your 10 minute slot, so when he said, “so how are you doing”. . I replied saying how I felt, got upset and teary, but then finished up with “so not too bad I think”
He then told me I had just spoken continuously for just under an hour, and from that he felt I wasn’t coping at all well and decided to double the dosage of my anti-depressants, so not the result I thought I’d have!
This is a thing that I find hard, how do I know when I am getting in control? If you’re having -Robles or health issues then your partner knows you and can see any positive of negative signs.
If you’re not in regular contact with a person who knows?
I’m sure we’re all guilty of answering, “not bad thanks”, when asked “ how are doing nowadays” and that will be taken on face value. You lose the immediate feedback when your partner isn’t there.
I am ok when riding my motorbike and that is very good for my mental health but I can’t do that all the time, and also ok when at the house in France, again I can’t always be over there but am taking myself off for a week or so next month to get away.
People say time heals, and it sort of has with my parents passing as although I miss them, but losing you parents is totally different than losing partner as they weren’t in my life 24/7, my wife was and after 20+ years it’s one huge change in my lifestyle. I don’t think we’re made to live alone.
Anyway just felt like telling someone how I feel although it doesn’t really help, I know that I’m not alone and there’s thousands of folk suffering just as bad as I am.
