Losing a loved one is one of life’s most challenging experiences, leading to changes that are often permanent. The impact is profound and far-reaching, and sadly, it’s almost always very difficult to get over. Here are 17 aspects of life that inevitably transform after the death of someone dear to us.
Walks. Did you and your loved one often go for walks together? Then going for a walk now that they’ve passed might make you feel extremely lonely. Doing exercise, such as going for walks, can help those who are grieving. So, although it might be painful, going for a walk is good for you.
Sleeping. If the person you lost in death was your partner, this is a very difficult situation to handle. What can be especially challenging is going to sleep each night without your partner there. The bed might feel cold, large, and unwelcomingly empty without your partner.
Holidays. Family holidays are always the highlights of the year, but when a loved one dies, going on holiday can be hard. Having fun without your loved one might make you feel guilty. While you’re on holiday you might constantly imagine how much better it would be if your loved one were there.
Festivities. Christmas, birthdays, and other festivities are some of the hardest times to deal with when a loved one dies. This is because you’re always thinking about the last time you spent them with your loved one, remembering all the little quirks and things they would say and do during the festivities. Nothing can replace that.
Dreaming. For a long time after a loved one dies, you might dream about them. Although the dreams themselves might be positive, they can make us feel bad because we miss the person dearly. Waking up and realising we were only dreaming is upsetting.
Anniversaries. Wedding anniversaries are some of the hardest days of the year when your partner dies. This is a day when you think back on the happiest day of your life and how you’ll never be able to spend it together again. The reality of this can be too much to handle.
Birthdays. When a birthday comes around, especially a milestone, you always invite your closest family and friends. There are certain people in your life who would never let you down on this day; they’re always there. One of those people who was always there was your loved one. Now that they’re gone, birthdays feel lonely.
Grocery Shopping. Even your weekly shop changes after a loved one dies. You’re so used to picking up the things that they would like to eat and shopping with one more person in mind. Now, you have to cut back on how much food you buy, and this feels strange.
Films. You used to love sitting down in the evening and watching a film with your favourite person. You knew what kind of films they liked and all their film-watching quirks, like talking through it or falling asleep at the end. Now that they’re not here, watching a film seems boring.
Cooking. You were used to cooking for one extra person and making the food that they liked. But now that they’re not here, cooking is just another action that makes you think about your loved one all the time. It brings back fond memories of them, but these memories are painful.
Ironing. You were used to helping your partner out with their ironing too. But now that they’re gone, it’s only your clothes that are left to iron. Although the extra clothes gave you more work to do, you were happy to do so. Looking at the piles of unworn clothes of your late partner makes you feel sad.
Health Check-Ups. If your partner passed as the result of a serious health problem, going for routine health check-ups might become very daunting to you. You might be afraid of receiving bad news one day too. On top of that, you now have to go to health checks without your partner, the person who always accompanied you.
Moving. Just like with any big changes, moving brings a loss with it. While you gain new experiences, new opportunities, new relationships, and a new environment, you also lose those from your old life. Your past home, your friends, your job, your routine; they all stay back while you move on. Moving can make grieving feel harder.
Responsibilities. When someone you love dies, especially when it’s your partner, you end up with a lot of new responsibilities that perhaps your partner used to take care of. Paying for certain bills, keeping up with different payments, and filling out paperwork might all be things that your partner used to do before they passed.
Loneliness. Widowhood triggers loneliness. Three years prior to spousal death, 15%–20% of people reported feeling lonely. By the time of spousal death, the prevalence of loneliness increased to around 30% for women and 40% for men and continued to increase to around 40% for women and 50% for men approximately a year into widowhood.
Going Out. Going out can be challenging when you lose someone you love. You were used to always going out together, and now, all of a sudden you’re getting ready on your own and meeting up with others alone. Although you’re going to spend time with others, just the journey to meet up with them makes you feel sad.
Talking. When someone you love dies and that person is your partner, you miss the chats you used to have with that person. Talking with others is nice, but no one understands you like your partner used to. This can make conversations with other people seem meaningless or superficial.
Gosh all those seventeen losses as well. Yes overwhelming with each one. Expect could come up with a few more as well.
Said good to go for a walk on your own. Well no choice mostly. Cat occasionally follows.
I usually go to get blackberries at the moment. Hate wasting them. We used to get apples. From all over. He loved apples. Yes and help. He was a grafter.
And I am not keen on the bread pudding he used to like I made.
This year I haven’t done as much as last year.
Feel older and more fed up with it.
Hi Enorac.
Thank you for your kind response.
Yes, I’m sure we could come up with a few more things to add to this list.
When I first started my lonely walks I used to wear my ear phones listening to my favourite songs but ended up crying walking around the park because some songs brought back too many memories. So that’s something I don’t do anymore. Still cry though when I hear certain songs and the memories come flashing back.
As for cooking, well my Alan was a far better cook than me so that was his job the majority of the time.
A lot of these “17 Things” still apply even after 3 and 1/2 years.
Things may be a little easier, but the pain will always be there.
I know what you mean in feeling older and more fed up.
Take care xx
Resonate with all of those - can add single parenting to this list as well. That’s difficult with teenagers who are grieving as well as trying to manage their teenage hormones !
So true and many more things too. I was a carer for my husband and now have time on my hands but waste it- mean to do all sorts but sometimes just sit for several hours daydreaming. I do go out and go to work but it’s not the same . It’s like watching the world as a bystander . Family friends forget think I am coping. When will I join the world again.
Oh cookie what a good description of how life is at the moment for many of us I am sure.
I waste my days all the time. And I used to be so busy - just so hard to get going now and be productive.
Xx
Wow 17 things
You could add few more to that list.
Hugs. I’ll never get a hug of my mum ever again and I can’t cope that I’ll never get to put my arms around her. A mums hug is one of the best things ever
Love you. I’ll never get to say love you mum or hear my mum say it to me. I never said it as much as I should when my mum was here.
Mother’s Day. I’ll never get to give her a card and flowers on Mother’s Day. Every Mother’s Day my mum made it one of the most special days of the year. We spoiled my mum and she deserved it. I wish I could have done all the things I wanted to do on Mother’s Day. Before I started my current job I didn’t have enough money to take my mum for a meal my mum didn’t care back then as long as she had her family on Mother’s Day. Now when Mother’s Day comes those who have their mums should count themselves lucky.
My mums laugh and her smile. I’ll never get to see my mums smile and hear my mums laugh. My mums lovely beautiful humour lit up any room
There’s so much I miss about my mum I’ll never be able to experience them again but I have my memories to keep me going
When does that pass- it’s a bit like driving car on autopilot arrive home but no recollection of the journey.
I thought I wanted company but don’t want that some days. I cannot be doing with trivial issues that folk worry about- life can change in a second so why worry making mountains from molehills but I want to make my life fulfilled not just wait to join my husband.
Yes that’s exactly how I feel but I just can’t seem to get things going much.
I consciously decided yesterday to be off my phone more and stopped myself reaching for it. I did get more done - but I didn’t feel any better and was in tears by nighttime.
Am looking for what might make my life fulfilling going forward but that’s maybe not gonna happen yet. Everything still feels pointless and I have no desire to return to work even though the structure might help.
I wish someone had the answers xx
Cooki I totally get it. I’m the same exactly.
I’m sitting reading this and Smooth FM started playing when will I see you again by the three degrees!! Another tissue……
Take it as a sign your loved one is with you. On bad days I’ll often hear my husbands favourite songs and it cheers me up .
I like to think it is them letting us know they are around.
Feeling Older and more fed up…that is exactly how I feel.
I do keep doing as much as I can, joined a singing group, joined some widow groups and we go out for lunch or coffee etc.
I play badminton in an over 50s group.
I am going to join a rambling group as walking helps me but I would like some company.
All these things help me although I do sort of feel like I am acting in some weird play and almost pretending that these things are good but the more I go the easier and the more enjoyable these groups get, I suppose it is because I am making connections with others.