I lost my grandad when I was 7, he had cancer. I was kept away from it all as it was seen as too much for me to handle at such a young age which I can understand completely. My grandad was my father figured as I didn’t have a dad in my life. He meant the world to me and still does.
I never processed his death as I spent everyday with my grandmother and became her support though her grieving process for the follow few years.
I’ve always know that I haven’t faced the loss of him as when ever his name is mentioned I will always burst into tears without warning, even now at 24.
When I meet my partner last year I found myself wanting to talk about my grandad with him. For the first time I want to move forward from his death. Now I realise I’ve carried this numbness inside my chest for 17 years and struggling how to move forward.
I’m a very self destructive person and I’m starting to think it’s because I look for trouble and pain to be able to feel something , sadness and pain are my most comforting emotions as I understand them and feel a relief from them.
I’ve recently gone to his grave for the first time since his funeral, I found a lot of anger towards my grandfather and was begging for him to come back and offering him forgiveness if he did come back.
I’ve tried to speak to family about this and it’s always brushed under the carpet, except from the odd comment about how much he loved me and how he wouldn’t pass until he saw me. I found this filled me with more sadness that I can’t remember any of this.
On reflection I only hold 2 memories of him, the rest of it’s gone. I believe that years of bottling up how I feel has blocked my memory of him. There has always been this numbness in my chest, I would describe it as a hole because that’s how it can feel.
I found the best way for me to “feel” is to sing, I find songs that I can relate to and will sing them on repeat until I break down in tears and once I stop crying I will start the process of singing on repeat until I can feel it again. I’m pretty sure this is some weird form of self harming as I don’t feel better after but I definitely get to feel something. It’s sort of my way of keeping connected to him. Because of this I know struggle massively to show emotion to my friends and family, I won’t allow myself to cry or be sad infront of anyone and I think this is linked to being the support for my family through my grandads death.
I worry if I don’t feel the pain I will lose him for good.
If you have any advice on starting this healing journey that would be great.