It has been 18 months since I lost my world, my life, my soul mate, my best friend after 33 years together, the person who was there at the start of the day with a " cup of tea love" to the end of the day with a “night night my little love” . I still feel at times I am dying inside, it is too much to cope with.
Nigel was my love, my life my everything. I cannot think how I got through those first 6 months, nothing made any sense, nothing had any meaning, sitting on the floor in my PJ’s arranging the funeral, songs etc, sorting through the paper work, insurance bills etc, and the worst , probate, just so I could have the deeds put in my name.
What we thought when he was alive because we had a will was a minor, turned out to be a major £4000 quoted by one company. I did it my self in the end with the help of a friend for £250.
I went through it all, I felt in control but I know I was not.
I miss him so much it hurts, I want him back but I know I cannot have him back. I live my life one day at a time. If I try any further than that, my head fuzzes, I cannot think.
I went back to work after 6 months, teaching. It has helped, in some small way to do something different other than grieving, but its always there, in drive to work or lunch time when we used to chat, in the drive home.
We have children and Grand children, and they are a distraction. And as I have tried to say on many an evening, you go home to your little family, your world, mine is here with dad and my grief.
It is here with my grief, I have a drink and I do drink to feel my grief, if that makes sense. I am a person who is in control, and that I feel is a barrier to me feeling my grief.
I do not cry every night now, but my gut, my heart, my soul hurts, feels empty.
I know my little love you are not coming back, I miss you, I want you , I need you, loving you always. x your Katey Lou xx
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband Nigel, @kateylouise. Thank you for sharing a little piece of your life together with us. I just wanted you to know that you have been heard and you are not alone.
Hi, my husband died in September, the house was in his name. I still haven’t told the mortgage company he is dead yet, I’ve been paying the mortgage. However I have just received some money and am hoping to phone up and pay the mortgage off in full. Citizens advise I needed to apply for letters of administration.
Do I have to pay to change the deeds too? I’m so confused. Until now I didn’t have the money or the right head space to sort it.
Hi @kateylouise I’ve just come across your post again and re read it and it so touched my heart. It was so lovely I can relate to what you have written. Especially the para on the children going home to their lives and you being in yours with their dad and your grief. It’s hard trying to explain that to people how life is now for the one left behind especially when you are on your own. And then the always missing, loving, wanting, needing is so poignant. I wish you well and hope you find some peace in the future.x