18 months on

Its been 18 months since my darliing husband passed away. I dont feel its getting any better. I have lovely family and friends but still feel so lonely. Cry every night and while im out walking our dogs. I went back to work, only 3 hours, 3 days a week for company. I work in a day nursery and love it. Home at 1.00pm, take dogs out then bed at 2.00pm. I talk to Gary and cry my eyes out. Im not the same person anymore, i look in the mirror and its not me. I have no one to talk too about how i feel . Just say yes im fine. I still have his clothes hanging in the wardrobe, just cant remove them. Still wear my ring as im still married to him. My life has also gone, wish he took me with him. Cant see myself ever moving forward.


@Madonna dear madonna i am so very sorry you lost gary and for the pain and heartbreak you are going through. I lost my soulmate pauline 25months and 13 days ago. For me it’s also not got any better and I’m not sure it ever will? I talk to pauline everyday even when I’m out walking our dog. You can imagine the looks i get at times. You can talk on here about how you feel and people will understand. This is a very caring community and we all get it. I also don’t recognise myself when i look in the mirror. It changes you when you lose someone you love so much. I hate my life without her. But i have to keep going for her and our pets. I can honestly say losing her has broken my heart and me. But i will endure this crap existence and the pain to one day be reunited with her. I truly believe our loved ones are with us and look out for us. Death may have separated us. But nothing can ever take away the love we share with them. It’s eternal as our hearts and souls were joined as one and always will be. I hope you find it helpful to talk on here. You will get support from people who understand and care. I’m often around if you want to chat. Take care x


I lost my partner just ten weeks ago. I miss him sooo much. I can’t believe I’ve got to ten weeks. I can’t imagine getting to eighteen months :broken_heart:
I think I’m going to miss him every day for the rest of my life. I’m only 38 so that does make me worry about the future :disappointed:
When people ask how I’m doing I mostly just say I’m fine. Sometimes the emotions flood out and the tears start streaming and people say sorry, try and change the subject or tell me it will get better. Nobody really wants to know how I’m actually doing and how much I miss him.
I’m not the same person anymore either. How can we be now? :disappointed:


@Madonna @LostLil - hello there x I saw your posts and I recognise so much of what you both share. It is so hard to see a way forward sometimes, I know. I am 16 months in now. I have made all sorts of progress on practical matters - sorting stuff out, clearing corners, preparing for a house move in September but emotionally, I am still very vulnerable when it comes to talking about Tom. Grief, loss, the silence, the emptiness, changes us all. Before bereavement, we had no idea so we could laugh, love, enjoy all the moments - big and special occasions and the small, every day loveliness of having our person right there. Their absence leaves a gap that is shaped uniquely like them. We are changed but we are still us, we are who we were before - only bruised and battered - but so, so strong. Just getting through each day - particularly on these long bank holiday weekends - is tough, but we do it and we get through it and we go again. This is a superpower - even though we may feel totally broken, lost and fearful. Even though neither of you, or me, may feel like it, we are more like Wonder Woman than we might ever believe. I just cleared out another drawer and another cupboard, ahead of a walk to the charity shop in the sunshine. Even though some days I fake it, even though some days I can’t face it, I am strong - and so are you both. So, like Lynda Carter’s Wonder Woman, why not do a twirl right now and remember - you have got this and we have got each other, 100%.


I love your post. I am strong too but today is hard, harder than it’s been but it took will pass. I’m 3 months in and generally I’m doing ok just miss him immensely and that gets harder each day. I still expect to hear him or see him again but it doesn’t happen. But I’m ok, I have a life and it’s worth living for now .


Thankyou Casey. It has been good for me to write things down and receive your reply. Thank you again. Take care of yourself too.

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